Seasons Greetings

Friends and Fellow bloggers,

Friend and I are home for the holidays, and will be here for a few days to spend some time with our fam’s. We will be departing for our annual holiday trip to the big apple at the end of the week. As I typed that I just realized how much I hate it when people refer to NYC as “The Big Apple.” I hate it almost as much as I hate when someone says “Mornin’ Sunshine!” Congradja-fucking-lations, you woke up before me. I’m still on LA time, which means your 8am is my 5am, and I don’t want to be up at 5am. So don’t give me any shit when I wake up at 11. I bought this house, and I will sleep in it as long as I want.

Anyways, back to business. Blog business that is. As a result of the Holiday Season, Friend and I will be away from our computers a lot, so we might not be posting daily as usual. iPhones might be used to relay interesting encounters, but that’s about it.

We set three very important production employee ground rules when we started studio X.
1. Everyone gets paid on Friday.
2. Crew will always have good food to eat on set.
3. Everyone will have the holiday off to spend with their families.

So, even though we aren’t paying you or feeding you for reading our blog, we are asking you to take rule number three into consideration. Spend some time with your familes and check back with us after the holidays. We’ll be here when you return, we promise. Now for some late night talk show reruns…..

AJ

My Life and My Wife

My wife has never really been into the whole celebrity thing, but she loves the Hollywood lifestyle. She’s always been a networker and a greeter. She loves interaction whereas I’m more introverted. It has been said that you can differentiate between an extrovert and an introvert based upon where their energy comes from. An extrovert gets his or her energy from interacting with others and an introvert gets his or her energy from alone time. I’m an introvert with extrovert tendencies, which means I can be as good as an extrovert in a social setting but I just have to work a lot harder.

When you become big in Hollywood, you get a publicist. Your manager tells you what steps you should take in your career to better your longevity. Your agent solicits new work and advises you on projects. Your publicists tells you what steps to take to improve your image in the perception of the public and future employers (such as myself).

The first thing a publicist will often tell a new client is that he or she needs to date a celebrity. This is usually true because the relationship will raise the status of both celebrities because now they are a unified front and get a name like Brangelina. This is advisable for anyone in the business because it’s hard for an outsider to understand the pressures and the lifestyles of this business. The industry can make you nuts and that’s hard to take in from (as I like to call it) a Johnny Random perspective.

My wife and I have to find ways to balance out our lives. She is usually busier than I am hosting parties and doing charity events. If you add shopping to that schedule you’ve got a full day. I go to bed in the wee hours of the morning and get up at the crack of dawn. She’s usually off and running before I even get ready and it takes her a long time to get ready. We live and learn and we made a decision early in our marriage to not let this business ruin us, and with effort we’ve made it work.

LD

Music Videos

Music Videos are an amazing form of art that combines two things I am extremely passionate about: Music and Film. I’ve directed a hand full of music videos in my day, and still will consider it if something mind-blowing should present itself. Sadly, I haven’t seen a good treatment attached to a good song in a while.

I feel like a lot of people have given up on music videos. They used to be an awesome outlet for CD promotion, and overall band recognition, but it seems is if they are falling off the face by the day. MTV figured out that they could make more money off of hooking an audience to a series of bullshit reality shows than to play actual music videos at any time.

It’s true though; Music Videos are a hard sell. Not many people are willing to sit and watch hours of music vids. They can’t hold interest because of the need to appeal to several genres at once. If a particular viewer isn’t into rap, they are going to flip around while the Soulja Boi video is playing. That wouldn’t be so horrible if MTV could guarantee that the viewer would come right back to see the next video, but they cant.

I remember a day when people would watch MTV all day long just for the chance to catch the Michael Jackson – “Thriller” video from the beginning. I wish it would go back to that: Fans sitting around waiting to see their favorite band’s video. It’s cheaper than a movie, you can talk to your friends while you wait, and you get to listen to good music videos in the mean time. Sounds like a win win…win.

If it weren’t for Youtube, I would never see current music videos. This does of course eliminate the waiting process, but for what sacrifice? I have to watch it in a little 3-inch box on my computer screen instead of on my new Panasonic 103-inch plasma. (If you have 70K to spare, I recommend the hell out of this TV.)



Since MTV wont play em, I’m going to pay homage to some music videos in an art form that never seizes to put a smile on my face: Artist who learn their entire song in reverse. This always makes for an interesting playback in the right direction, and leaves everyone else wondering how the hell they were able to match up their mouth movement with the lyrics. Sorry, I just gave away the secret. Enjoy.

Coldplay - "The Scientist"


Jack Johnson - "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"


Mute Math - "Typical"


AJ

Round 1

So I went to the Mayweather Hatton fight in Vegas this weekend. I just got back from Vegas today. The fight was beautiful with Floyd “Money” Mayweather knocking out Ricky Hatton in the tenth round. It seemed like everyone wanted Hatton to win because he was the underdog. I’ve never really been into these underdog stories.

People want the underdog to win because as humans we crave equity. The assumption exists in our minds that life is supposed to be fair, and I’ve got bad news for you…it’s not. Floyd Mayweather is the best pound for pound fighter in the world, and he will be the first to tell you. He talked so much shit before the fight about how he was going to kill Hatton and he did.

What’s greater and more difficult? To be a little underdog and land a lucky punch to take down the great one or to be consistently good all the time. That’s the harder thing to do in life and it takes much more work. That’s what we pride our studio on and our careers.

In listening to Steve Martin’s audiobook Born Standing Up, he made a quote that I have modeled my life around. I don’t remember the exact words but involved something like, “Everyone has a great night, but the only ones that are remembered are the ones that are consistently good every night.” And he went on to explain that’s why he shot for being good every night instead of being great.

It’s time that this society embraced the motto that only the strong survive and that winners keep on winning. It’s time that we quit searching for equity and start paving our own way. It’s time that we embrace the fact that those who have tons of money and talent worked for every bit of it. There’s an opportunity cost for everything so lets quit rooting for the underdog.

LD

Hollywood Hook-ups.

When I was just a growing pup in the industry, I always loved listening to stories from people that had been in the game longer than me. There were always new aspects of this whole thing that I couldn’t get enough of. I was a PA living vicariously through the people higher up. Even if it was an Industry Related person telling a Non-Industry story, it still seemed “industry” to me. Tom Hanks could talk about his antique typewriter collection for 2 hours, I still listened.

Now that I have been around for a while, and am in a position of power, I have accumulated a pretty decent amount of stories. However I don’t assume that everyone wants to hear them. I usually wait until someone asks me a related question before I just openly break out into story time.

Someone recently asked me if because I’m a bachelor and the head of a major studio, have I ever slept around with any famous women. Even if I did, I wouldn’t openly write about it in my blog. I wouldn’t have to. Us Weekly would write about it for me. It has happened before, and it’s just something you have to get used to out here.

People are always searching for celebrity gossip, and if none exist, they will just make it up. I have several friends that are actresses. If I take one of them out to eat to discuss a role, or to a Premiere as a friend, then the next morning all the tabloids say we’re dating. I just think it’s funny. Not many people outside of the industry know what I look like anyways.

There was this one time I hooked up with one of the girls off that show “The Hills.” (I don’t really care to discuss which one) But as non-famous as I considered the people on that show at the time, they were always in the news about something. It was weird how it happened, she just yanked me into the girl’s bathroom by my collar and started making out with me. My pants ended up around my ankles, and before I could even figure out how she did that trick, the door swung wide open. I saw three camera flashes go off before it closed shut.

I thought about going to the owner, who was a good friend of mine, and asking him to make everyone exit through the door with the metal detectors….where I would be standing on the other side like airport security ready to buy every shitty consumer digital camera that set the alarm off. I didn’t end up doing that though. I figured with the other girl who opened the bathroom door blocking most of the shot, mixed with the bad angle and short amount of time the door was actually open… any picture that was taken, probably didn’t capture anything worth publishing.

I was right. The next day, no photos were seen of me…. or her. I saw a publication that used another picture of her and the caption said “_______ _______ from ‘The Hills’ was caught making out with some no-named loser in the bathroom of a Beverly Hills hot spot last night.” Hilarious. She is a shitty scripted reality TV star, and that makes me a no-named loser studio CEO. At least that’s anonymous. I would rather be the only who knows who that loser is than for people to actually think I associate with that bitch and her pant removing voodoo.

AJ

Another Day Another Goodbye

Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday. We were in San Francisco scouting out locations for the Prostitution movie. I was planning to post after we were done on the plane on the way back but a medical emergency halted that. Well, I don’t know if I would call it an emergency but it seemed pretty intense when it happened.

Have you ever done something and then afterwards you wonder why the fuck you did it? You think…did that serve any purpose whatsoever and what was I trying to accomplish by doing that. That happened to me yesterday, and I still don’t know why I did what I did. And now all I have to show for it is a hospital bill and hopefully not a lawsuit.

We had a good majority of the production team on location as well. On the plane on the way over, the cinematographer said something that pissed me off. He said that he didn’t like the films ending and then he referenced a movie done by one of competitors as an example of a good ending.

I didn’t want to hire this asshole in the first place, but he came as a packaged deal with the director on the film. Agencies won’t give you anyone anymore unless you buy the whole package. We stopped by a little French Cuisine restaurant on the way back, and he says that if it were up to him he would have casted the movie differently. Finally, I snapped off and told him to shut his damn mouth or he would be out of the project for good.

He told me that I didn’t have the power to put him out of the project because he was attached with the director. He said I didn’t want to ruin my relationship with the agency. Do you think I give a shit about an agency? An agency? I told him if he said one more word he was gone. He quickly turned away and started to walk to the bathroom. I heard him mutter something under his breath that consisted of me being a hack.

As soon as I heard it I picked up the saltshaker on the table and chucked it at the back of his head. I saw the whole thing in slow motion and it spun end over end until it struck him right in the cranium. A saltshaker (stay with me here) a saltshaker split his head open and required nine stitches. The doctor told us later that the gash was further complicated by the amount of salt that fell in his wound when it struck. True story.

So, he’s off the project, and we’re in negotiations to bring the director back. At this point I don’t really give a shit. I just wish I’d thrown the pepper to save some money.

The Price is Right

I was over on the CBS lot the other day taking care of some stuff, and I bumped into Drew Carey. Nice guy. Reminded me that I have yet to watch an episode of Price is Right since he’s been hosting. I used to watch that show all time when I was a kid. I’ve heard a few comedians do bits about that show, and I don’t care to elaborate on anything that they’ve discussed but, but I do have a story that is from a different view point that I wouldn’t mind sharing.

Back when I first moved to LA, before I had a job or anything, My Mom and Grandmother came out to visit me. My Grandmother had been watching The Price is Right since it started back 1972. I thought it would be a nice surprise to take her to see the show live. So I got us some tickets, and we did just that. Being in LA opens that door to see a live taping of almost any show. I remember back when I used to watch it, at the end of the show it would always say: “If you would like become a contestant on the Price is Right….” Fuck yeah I would! “…..and will be in the Los Angeles Area….” SHIT!

So now that I had arrived, why not? Go in, sit down, get your name called, play a game, and win a NEW CAAAAR! Sounds easy right? Wrong! First off, once you get your kickass Price is Right name tag, you have to wait in line for about 4 hours. Normally I wouldn’t mind as much, but when you have your grandmother with you and it’s hot outside (on top of how hot she already is from thinking about Bob Barker)… you start to become concerned. One thing that was playing out was that you didn’t have to wait in line standing up. There were benches. Really long, line-waiting benches.

I went to a near by Coke machine, and got a Sprite for each of us. When I got back, my mom was talking to this girl who was now sitting in my seat. Sarah was her name. I know this because everyone at the Price is Right is on a first name basis. They say “Cheers” is a place where everybody knows your name…that’s bullshit, The Price is Right is. It’s funny too because they have to write your real first name on the tag just as it would appear on your birth certificate. No nicknames are allowed. Even if your name is Michael, and you’ve always went by Mike….still no. So my grandmother stopped this one gentleman, and asked him how he was able to get his nickname on his tag. He responded with: “I didn’t, this is my real name.” I looked down at his tag to see the name: “Poncho.” To keep from laughing my ass off, I just turned over to talk to Sarah.

We continued to talk for a while. She explained to me that her mother was on the show back in 1985, and won a lamp. She said her mother now had to walk to work because of car troubles, and she just wanted to get on the show and win a car for her mom. What a very kind and generous girl. Its people like her that you hope get on the show and do really well. But, sadly enough, your kindness doesn’t get you on the show. Your enthusiastic personality does. Yeah, they interview every single person before you go in to decide who should get called on stage. Three question interview: Name? Hometown? Occupation? See how creative you can be with that.

At this point they were putting us into an order that was decided by when you reserved your tickets. Sarah had to move up to the front of the line, cause apparently she camped out all night to get on the show. So on her way up there, Little Miss Generosity was gathering up her things, and packed up my Sprite in the process. She took off with it, and I never saw it again.

Once we got to our seats I saw her sitting a few rows up from us. I yelled out her name to get her attention and asked her why she had to be such a Sprite-stealing bitch. She was like: “Oh was that yours? I am so sorry, I was wondering why I was carrying around a random Sprite.” Fair enough, accidents happen. You had to throw away your drinks when you entered the studio anyways.

They called down the first 4 contestants, and Sarah ended up being one of them. “First Item up for bid Bob”…she ended up being the first contestant up on stage. “What’s she playing for?” You guessed it: a Car. First game… a Car. She won it too. She re-told the "mom walking to work" story to Bob right after she won it.

Sarah made it all the way to the showcase showdown and was the top bidder. Everyone always passes on the first showcase because the second one almost always has the car in it. But not the kind and generous Sarah. She said “I’m going to go ahead and bid on this one, so that maybe he (her competitor) will get the car…I’ve already won one today.” Now everyone thinks this girl is a saint. Saints are good people, and good things happen to good people. She won her showcase within $250, which meant that she got both showcases. Sarah walked away with two cars, a bedroom set, snowboarding equipment, luggage, a trip to Cape Cod, and a 5,000 bucks cash off her bonus spin. Wow.

I kept waiting for her to take her generosity to the extreme, grab that stupid looking microphone away from Bob and say: “I would like to give away my second car to this guy in the audience. I stole his Sprite earlier and I just feel so bad about it.” But, I guess she didn’t feel bad about it, cause she didn’t give me shit.

While were one the subject… I would also like to share with you the funniest Price is Right clip I have ever seen. Please Enjoy:



AJ

Reindeer Humping

Why or how do reindeers hump you ask? Well that’s an amazingly dumb question that warrants a very intelligible response. I’ll try my best to define it for you. Reindeer humping involves the human placement of lawn reindeer Christmas decorations in a manner that resembles procreation. In other words, you pull up to a house, jump out of the car and set up the reindeers to look like they’re humping each other. It works perfectly because the first reindeer always has his head down like he’s pulling the sleigh. Then, you prop the second one up behind him and it looks like a perfect reverse reindeer humping position.

Then, the amazing part happens, which is enough to brighten even the most depressed person’s day. You have to drive about a mile down the road. Then, you turn around and pretend like you don’t know what you just did and observe the house from an outsider’s perspective. And it all it’s glorious magnitude are two reindeers grinding right in the middle of a wonderful Christmas scene. There’s nothing better. You know some old guy gets up for work at 6:30 in the morning, walks outside and laughs his ass of at the site of his reindeer making passionate love.

Now that you understand the objective, let me tell you the story. Friend and I aren’t old but we’re also not as young as we used to be. But we made a promise early in this business to never lose the kid in us. So, we make it a yearly tradition to make all the reindeers hump and it’s much more fun in Beverly Hills than in Kentucky. The only difference is you have to climb a lot more gates here. So a couple of years ago Friend and I went on our journey.

When you are a media mogul you are always going to have competition and we are no different. The head of another prestigious studio in town is always trying to one up us in everything we do, and we had our assistants scope out his place. We found out that he had the most wonderful reindeer scene in Los Angeles, and we decided to make it one big orgy. Normally, we take the assistants out and make them do the dirty work but this one involved our own sweat and blood. So, we packed up Friend’s Hummer that I gave him and packed hedge clippers, string, duct tape, night vision goggles, and dressed to the nines in our all black gear.

The assistant pulls up and Friend I jump out of the car. We have an elaborate plan to scale the fence and Friend is going to start clipping the wires that separate the reindeers while I start applying the string to hold them together. I get stuck on the damn fence and Friend has to pull me over. We get the reindeers separated and we finally get them set up in orgy position. We are both laughing our asses off and we really should have left at this point, but we were thirsty for blood. We wanted more, and that’s when I made the biggest mistake of the night. I pulled out my Sharpie Mini.

The Sharpie Mini is for emergencies only, and I only use it when I need to write out loud. And this was definitely a situation that called for it because I was about to draw the most elaborate penis of all time on the inflatable snowman. I draw a perfect penis in shape and form and once again I should have been satisfied, but I had to draw the veins. The damn veins. Why do I have to be a perfectionist and have to draw a realistic penis and not just leave it as a cartoonish symbol. As I’m crafting the veins the house alarm goes off and th front door swings open and the studio head runs out the door. He catches Friend trying to scale the fence and me completing my masterpiece snowman penis.

It was an uncomfortable conversation to say the least, and we all had a big laugh about it afterwards. I bought him a whole new Christmas set for his front yard. That shit is expensive and I feel like I own a piece of his front yard, and since it is my decoration set Friend and I are going out this weekend to set the orgy up again. Only this time there won’t be any hitches in the plan.

LD

Tennis Ball Machine

UPDATE

So we've got the tennis ball machine on the roof of Sound Stage B. We are picking off assistants at will and now we are trying to shoot the striking writers signs. This came after I dug up my old catching gear and offered a thousand dollar bonus to any assistant who could actually catch a ball out of the machine. We make them get set up and then we just fire at will. What a great life.

LD

Sent from my iPhone

American Gladiators

That’s right boys and girls. If you haven’t heard by now, they are bringing back one of the greatest shows of all time: American Gladiators. The correct response to information as wonderful as that is: very intense smiling, instant reminiscing, and maybe even a little pant wetting. Please take a few moments to do those things.

Ok, as excited as you all probably are, Friend and I are even more excited. They sent the studio five VIP tickets to the Live Taping of the very first show. Friend and I obviously had first dibbs on the tickets. He took 3 of the 5 so that he could bring along his wife and his assistant. I grabbed the fourth for myself and just ripped up the last ticket so that no one would sit next to me. I like my personal space.

We’ve actually known about this for a while now, and I apologize for not posting on the subject sooner. The show tapes this Wednesday. I probably should have held out until afterwards to talk about it. But, if don’t get around to it, be sure to check out the show when it airs on Sunday January 6th. Click here for more information.

So, in the spirit of the Gladiators starting back up, Friend and I decided to display our childhood love for the show around the office. We thought about setting up a Joust in the break room, but taking someone down in the Joust would only be fun if everyone was around watching you. We didn’t want to create widespread unproductively, so we decided to do something a little more low-key.

Do you remember that badass, semi-automatic gun that the Gladiators would use to shoot tennis balls at the competitors? Yeah, Friend and I had one of those custom built and mounted on the top of Sound Stage B. All week, we’ve just stayed up there making anonymous calls to the mailroom. We send these kids out all over the lot on miscellaneous errands. As soon as they turn the corner where we can see them, we fucking wax their ass with fuzzy green balls. Yeah, it's as awesome as you might think. Especially if you used to watch the show and imagine how awesome it would be to have one of those guns.

There are still 22 days left until Christmas. Plenty of time to move that gun up to the top of your wish list. Key word in that last sentence was “wish.” Even Santa won’t be able to deliver on that kind of a present request. I checked. There are only two of those guns in existence today. One is on the Set of American Gladiators, and the other one belongs to us. Suck it.

AJ

Playing in the Jungle

Today one of my old fraternity brothers, Jimmy, brought his kid to the studio. Friend and I were in the same fraternity in college. He was actually my little brother as homosexual as it sounds. We gave him the inside tour and Friend had to run off in the middle of the tour because he had to tend to business so I took my Jimmy around the place and we went back to my office. We started talking about fraternity parties and the state of the business now and his kid made his way into friend’s office.

I went in his office to check on them to make sure the kid wasn’t driving him nuts and Friend was reading a script while the kid was playing some stupid game on his computer. Friend has this huge screen that hangs on his wall that serves as a computer screen while in the office. The kid was playing this stupid game where the abominable snowman hits a penguin like a golf ball with a flamingo golf club. Friend kind of rolled his eyes and I went back to my office.

Jimmy left the studio and we hooked him up with some t-shirts and dvds for the road. I sit down in my office waiting to see some of the first scenes from the prostitution movie when I hear this cartoonish voice coming from friends room. I try to focus on the cuts from the movie but I keep hearing something from Friend’s office. I walk in and he’s playing this dumbass game that Jimmy’s kid was playing. It’s called Yeti Sports Flamingo Drive. You can find it here.

Friend was cursing at his computer the way someone would at a horserace where they had bet millions. I kept overhearing him cursing at snakes and yelling, “Damn bird.” I ask him if he’s going to do any work today and he says that he has a meeting with Topher Grace at 3 but until then he’s going to set a new high score. He calls me a pussy bitch and says that I can’t beat his score of 4,812.

I love a challenge so I paused the prostitution movie and I’ve been playing the game ever since. The ape whistles for the flamingo and the flamingo turns into a makeshift golf club. He hits the penguin which represents the golf ball and he flies through the air and luckily hits a snake which propels him forward. You don’t want to hit a fucking giraffe because that sucks. Go under the giraffe and stay away from the elephants. The bottom panoramic screen gives you a view of what’s ahead and you need to use that to your advantage.

Before, I knew it the whole office is competing at this game and no one is doing anything. We all through twenty bucks in a pot and the high score at the end of the day took home the crown. You had to take a screen capture which is shift, apple, and 3. Then you had to post it to the server and Friend would award the winner in his office. I’m plugging away at the game trying to break the score. I finally get 4,834 and I walk into Friend’s office to see Topher Grace on Friend’s Macbook Pro and Ashton Kutcher on his other computer. My assistant (yes the one with the boobs) took home the crown and won $980. Well, time to get back to the game.

LD

Here is an example of a weak performance:

Myspace: No Thanks

I don’t have a myspace page. I know a lot of celebrities do. I don’t.

I can't. Not that I’m banned or anything like that, I just can’t allow myself to have a page. One time back when I was a lot more un-famous than I am now, I played around on myspace using a friend’s account. Before I knew it, six hours had fallen off the clock. Yeah, I had just spent six hours playing one stupid webpage. I spent most of the time trying to locate famous people on there, and another small portion of that time trying to decide if it was really them or some made up bullshit. The ones that are real will say: “This is the Official Myspace page of Paris Hilton” or whoever. Which is great, cause you can actually be friends with these famous people….through myspace. I found that almost everyone I was looking for was on there: bands, comedians, actors, filmmakers… you name it. They are on all myspace.

Then once you have “friends,” you can pick your top eight friends, and display them on your page. Basically saying: “I like these people more than you.” That’s just too much pressure for me. I couldn’t pick eight.

I was talking to a B-lister the other day, and he said that the thing he loved most about myspace was that it allowed him to feel closer to his fans. He believes that with myspace around, Fan Mail has nearly fallen off the face of the earth. Instead of writing letters like back in the good ole’ days, fans will just write compliments on their page. He can get back to them a lot faster through the site, and save money on postage. He made some good points, but I think they were more of excuses to why he wasn’t a big enough star to get real fan mail.

It is still surprising to me when I go to someone’s website looking for information, and all I find is a link to their Myspace page. I just wanted to see when you were playing a show in Los Angeles, now I have to listen your music, watch your videos, read your blog, and check out all your top friends. Fuck. I’m going get lost on this site for another six hours.

I will leave you with a list of some famous people I found on myspace that I did not expect to have an account:


Eminem – http://www.myspace.com/eminem

Jenna Jameson - http://www.myspace.com/jennajameson

Jon Favreau - http://www.myspace.com/jonfavreau

Lyle Lovett - http://myspace.com/lylelovett

Leonardo Dicaprio - http://myspace.com/leonardodicaprio

David Beckham - http://www.myspace.com/davidbeckham

Madonna - http://www.myspace.com/madonna

Marilyn Manson - http://www.myspace.com/marilynmanson

Tom Hanks - http://www.myspace.com/tomhanks

Willie Nelson - http://www.myspace.com/willienelson



Feel free to drop a comment with other unique celeb myspace findings.


AJ

Christmas is Coming

I’m a big fan of Christmas. Apart from the fact that it is the creator of the world’s birthday, I also love Christmas spirit. When my wife and I were dating we went to NYC for a couple times around Christmas and I vowed that when I could afford it I would go to NYC every year before Christmas to get in the spirit and for the last ten years that’s exactly what I have done.

We pack up the little one and take a plane to NYC. I bought a small Condo in the East Village about four years ago and it’s really starting to feel like home. Don’t get me wrong, I love Los Angeles. This is my home, but there’s something about NYC that refuels me. I love seeing my doorman on the way out of the building and walking down the local market to grab a coffee. I love walking the streets and wondering who has walked there before. I love looking at the tourists and seeing their eyes when they walk into Time’s Square for the first time.

We do most of our Christmas shopping in NYC and have the presents shipped back to Brentwood so we don’t have to take them on the plane. I try to go out to NYC at least once a month because the condo is so much easier to manage. All you have to do is walk around the toy stores and see the tree in Rockefeller Center to get in the Christmas spirit.

Last Christmas I bought a new television for our living room. I had a large flat screen and I decided to buy a different one to match a new color scheme my wife was doing in the room. I usually just move the television that I’m not suing anymore into a different room, but I’ve got so many televisions now that it’s really just useless. Between the screening room and other rooms in the house, it’s really just useless.

So I decided last year that I would give the television to someone who could use it. My wife and I looked for a new couple just starting their lives but we really couldn’t find a nice match so I decided to drive to a random house on Christmas night and put the television up for someone. I always wanted to feel like those people on Publisher’s Clearing House so I picked up Friend and we made the drive to a lower income neighborhood.

We drove around for two hours looking for the perfect house. I get out of the car and knock on the door waiting for the perfect Hallmark moment. A man answers the door with a holding a gun in his right hand. I tell him that I mean no trouble and that I am not in fact a cop. I tell him about the television and the thinks it’s some kind of joke. Then, he proceed to tell me that I stole the television and my Range Rover. I insisted that I really wanted him to have it and I was trying to do a nice thing but he kept insulting me.

So, I had Friend follow me to the car and we got the tv and gave it to his neighbor. I hope he never invites that dumbass over to watch tv. People should realize true charity and not question everything all the time. If so you might just end up with a nice television and not envy for your neighbor.

LD

At Home Entertainment

Friend is far more into Television than I am, but I do have a few shows I watch on a regular basis. I used to be more into TV when I was younger and had no life. Then, I could schedule my “life” around the shows I liked watching. Now, I am way too busy to even remember what days of the week the shows I like come on. I high five the very idea of being able to watch any TV show online whenever I want. Tivo is great… I think. I got it back when it first came out, and still haven’t learned how to use it. It can’t be that hard, my parents can use it… and they’re old. The truth is I never really watch TV at home. I have a screening room that damn near puts the Arclight to shame, and I really use it only for films. I rely on my down time at the office to catch up on the TV shows. This is where that Internet awesomeness I was referring to earlier comes into play.

As far as the shows I like to watch are concerned, this is the first week for me that the strike has actually had an effect. I was bitch slapped with reruns all week. I was wondering when it was going to happen, and I guess now is the time. It will be different for each show I’m sure. But when all my shows are on reruns I will become very unhappy. So far I have lost “The Office,” “Big Shots,” and “My Name is Earl.” I still have “House” which is my favorite of all of them, but I have a feeling it will be out of pre-strike stock episodes really soon.

I guess we’ll see. Friend will probably post more about the strike tomorrow, because he has been keeping up with it more on a business level, and they are supposed to be squashing that shit within the week. I have just tried to care as little as possible. I would prefer “House” to not go to reruns, but I really wont become as upset I said earlier. I lied. I’m a pussy and an only child. I have spent my entire life entertaining myself. I don’t need a television program to fill my down time. I can always resort to the things I did when I was kid to fill the void left by my lack of a brother or sister. I might even get a camera crew in here and try to sell it as a reality show. Who wouldn’t want to watch the head of a major studio build a house of cards, while juggling and solving a Rubix Cube at the same time?

AJ

Turkeys on Strike

So, I got one decent call over the Thanksgiving Holiday that an actor was seriously considering our offer but other than that the phone was pretty cold. We had one A-lister drop our project over the weekend due to script concerns. Apparently he or she thought that with the strike still ongoing the script wasn’t going to turn out the way that it was originally planned.

Back in the good old days, you could sign an actor to a five year deal and pay them 60 grand a year. They were basically puppets that did whatever you wanted. Today you have to throw anything you can at an actor before you can get them to sign on to your film. To get an A-lister you have to give them their 20 mil, backend profit participation, a huge trailer, the producer credit, the power to veto casting, a hundred other perks, and of course script supervision authority. That last one is usually just boilerplate that stays in the contract for no other reason to just say it.

It’s like one of those dick moves where you say that you’ll pay for the tickets and they actually accept your offer. You don’t drop out of a movie over script concerns especially during a damn writer’s strike. We told the actor that we were willing to do anything to complete the movie and match up the script to their approval. That wasn’t good enough and we’re back to the drawing board.

After a big time actor drops out, the studio always threatens to sue, but with at least the top ten actors in town the studio wouldn’t dare pursue any litigation. They want to work with these people again, and if they sue them for damages they are definitely not going to get them on another film. If they pursue something like specific performance the judge might order the actor to follow through the contract as formed, but do you really think the actor is going to give you a killer performance after they have been ordered by a court to act? No, they are going to turn into on onset diva that you don’t want to have anything to do with.

I thought about taking on the role myself, but I really just don’t have the time anymore. I used to cast myself in some of the comedies I wrote a few years back, and I had a great time especially when Friend was directing. Anymore, it’s just not worth it because they have to plan a whole project around me because of my schedule. When I first entered this business out of law school I used to wonder if the producers that I worked for were just acting busy to look more powerful.

I’ve learned that the truth is that they are really that busy. Agents get their secretaries to dial random numbers and they just shoot the shit to remain in you conscience mind. Every other call is some type of problem. An actor doesn’t think that they are being treated fairly or a director feels that his artistic expression is being altered by the studio’s bottom line. Starting tomorrow, I will be on the phone all day whoring out the project to the next big actor down the list. We’ll tell him that the other actor left because he wasn’t right for the role and that they were not our original first choice. Hollywood…it’s a web of lies.
LD

Southland Tales

When Friend and I started doing this blog, I never wanted it to be an avenue for Movie Reviews. Even though movies are our lives, I didn’t want to be someone else you came to for opinions of movies. I see everything I can get my eyes on, and that’s what I want to continue to recommend to our readers: See movies.

I saw a movie yesterday that was worth talking about: “Southland Tales.” This is the closest thing to a movie review you are ever going to get out of me. It probably won’t happen again, but like I said, this one is just worth it.

I read reviews from time to time. And I know that they always start with a short plot outline. This is going to be tough for me, since this particular film did not have one. This is a movie where so many things are going on at once, it’s impossible to follow the plot much less care about it. Same with all of the characters; you cant relate to any of their situations, so it makes it rough to care for them. This movie was just scene after scene after scene of pure chaotic randomness. Entertaining? Yes, but hard for me to attempt giving you any kind of a synopsis what so ever. So, I’m just going to share with you a plot-less recap of some things that went on, and maybe you can piece it together yourself.

Ok. The Rock plays a former military vet who is now an actor. His girlfriend is a porn star played by Sarah Michelle Geller, who is very hot in this movie. (SMG fans: buy a ticket, you will not be disappointed.) Her character hosts a show on TV much like “The View” minus the older women plus three other porn stars who talk with each other about how hard they like to get fucked. She wants to capitalize on her porn stardom by putting out a clothing line, CD, energy drink, and all that other shit. Her and The Rock have put their heads together to write a screenplay describing how the world ends. Justin Timberlake spends the entire movie hanging out at the Santa Monica Pier. He walks around the arcade lip-singing The Killer’s songs while a bunch of white-haired nurses dance on the ski-ball machines. Two SUV’s have sex with each other much like Elephants would. Sean William Scott plays a cop that agrees to let The Rock follow him around on duty to research his future role in the screenplay he co-wrote. The Rock’s amnesia or schizophrenia kicks in when he witnesses a murder on this venture. Cheri Oteri rollerblades around Venice Beach wearing a blue mesh bra on the outside of her shirt. The Rock’s wife is played by innocent little Mandy Moore, who says “Fuck,” “Cock,” and “Shit” all the same sentence. Her dad is a leader of some Political Party. There are midgets. In 2008, people wear futuristic see-through rain jackets as shirts. There is a party on a blimp. There is a time travel device that sends a clone of you back in time. If you meet your clone, you can open a deminsional portal but shaking their hand. If this takes place inside of an Ice cream truck, it will levitate up in the sky, high above the Staples Center. The Rock can’t decide if he is really himself or the character he plays in his movie. This is triggered by a lady on the beach who tells the rock she is going to shoot herself in the head if he doesn’t let her suck his dick right there. There are tons of other cameos (my favorite from Kevin Smith) and that’s pretty much it for the movie. Oh, I think the world ends, but I’m still not sure on that one. I might have left a few things out, but trust me; they wouldn’t make the plot anymore digestible.

When I first heard about this movie I was pumped. It had a big named cast and was written and directed by Richard Kelly, the man responsible for my favorite movie: Donnie Darko. I still have yet to meet Kelly, but after seeing this film I don’t think I want to. Not just because this movie didn’t meet my expectations, but because he now stands for everything I am against in filmmaking. He doesn’t give enough of a shit about his audience to allow the movie to make any sense what so ever. I’m sure it made sense in his eyes, but that is selfish filmmaking. Let us in on the story too. I know he also doesn’t care if anyone liked it, or if Roger Ebert gave him a horrible review, or even if after a week at the box office it has made less than $150,000. He is defending his vision and boldly standing up for artistic expression, which is sometimes honorable… But in this case it’s just filmmaking in its laziest form.

*** I didn’t write any of this to keep you from seeing this Film. That’s why I don’t like reviews. Go see the movie if you want to see it. Just hurry, because it won’t be in theatres for very long.

AJ

It Never Stops Ringing

Thanksgiving comes once a year but the phone never stops. I couldn’t imagine how this business was run without cell phones. My direct cell phone number goes out to very few people. When my phone rings, it’s either Friend telling me the status of one of the movies on our roster, one of my old law school buddies calling to make fun of me, an old fraternity brother with an update, someone extremely important that my assistant gave my number out to, my assistant calling to ask if a person is important enough to give my number out, or someone calling with the best news I’ve heard that day. My assistant gets to decide if something qualifies as the best news that I’ve heard that day, and then she gives my number out. If something comes along later in the day that is even better news and she’s already given my number out then she’s fired. I’m kidding.

So, if my cell phone rings, it’s probably always important enough to answer it. I’ve got another cell phone that is not always important enough to answer. Those calls come from people at the studio and other people around town. It always comes in second if both phones are ringing at once, and believe me…it happens. Thanksgiving is work day for me just like any other. I keep my phone in my pocket because it never goes on my belt.

The other phone sits it my jacket pocket because it can be left behind if by some reason I have to flee my jacket. Every number I own is in that phone which sinks up to my Macbook Pro. Someone trying to make it in the business would give their life for that phone directory. Last Thanksgiving, I got the call that Johnny Depp had signed on to the “based on a book” movie. We gave him the script one week before hand and made the offer two days before Thanksgiving. He talked it over with his family and called me personally to accept the offer. This Thanksgiving is no different because we’ve got three pending offers out that are waiting to be accepted. Steve Carell has been offered a part in a new comedy we’ve got coming up. Seth Rogan has been offered a part as a supporting actor in a new Sci-Fi comedy the studio is working on, and we’re in talks with Zach Braff to direct a dramedy that’s set to begin production next fall.

Three for three would make a nice Holiday. So would an ending to the damn strike that’s got this town in a frenzy. Although, it has given me some time to make repairs around the house. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, and I hope your holiday is as great as mine could possibly be. I just hope my pocket vibrates tomorrow.

LD

Almost Thanksgiving...

Oh yeah! Thanksgiving is nearing. Like tomorrow. It actually kind of snuck up on me again. I say “again” because it always does. In Los Angeles the weather doesn’t give out any hints that the holidays are on their way. This city is located in one of seven small Mediterranean Climate locations in the entire world. Weather pretty much stays the same all the time. When I first moved out here, I wasn’t used to it at all. I completely missed Thanksgiving that year, and almost missed Christmas too. Back where I’m from, I would know it was time for the holidays because of the season cues: leaves changing colors, cooler temperatures, and ultimately snow on the ground. I thought I would get used to not having those reminders, but every year it’s the same surprise. This year I was reminded of the holiday from shit loads of junk email that came telling me about all the different “Day After Thanksgiving Sales.”

You couldn’t pay me to get out in the middle of that shit. The traffic, the lines, the parking… it’s hell on earth. “But, it’s the biggest shopping day of the year.” I know. That’s why I’m staying home. Not just because I’m rich, but because I am smart. I avoided this day even back when I was poor. People turn ridiculously mad when the idea of saving money enters their heads. They go crazy. They camp outside of stores the night before, just so they can wait in line for another 3 hours to save $45 on a no-name brand piece of shit 15” Flat Screen TV. It’s not even HD, who cares if it’s a hundred and thirty bucks; you’re going to have to throw it away in a year.

Wow, then there are the Cell Phone commercials on TV. All the major players in the cell phone game are pushing their new phone: Samsung, Verizon, Motorolla, T-moble. It doesn’t matter. Just stop. Seriously….Stop. Save your money on advertising. Use that money to come up with a new product all together. The cell phone gig is up. Why in the hell would anyone buy your new cellular when they can buy an iPhone? Have you seen that thing? Yeah, there is nothing you can create that will compete with it. It doesn’t matter how small you make it, how you arrange the buttons, or even what colors it comes in. I don’t want it. Other people may argue that Apple still has their fair share of commercials out there for the iPhone. It’s true, they do, and they suck as well. It show’s all its features, its sleek design, and its user-friendliness. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great, but all they need to say on the commercial is:

iPhone. If you’re seriously thinking about buying a phone other than this one… you are a fucking idiot.

AJ

Unsolicted and Unwanted

When Friend and I opened our first production company, we were struggling just like any new business. We had a little bit of cash saved up from our script sale, but we really didn’t have the money to get any extras. We had to pick where to spend our money and where not to. We rented a small space on Wilshire and we followed the motto that your office is in your head.

That’s why we constantly went to the talent instead of them coming to us. We spent all of our money on nice suits and fancy leased cars. Friend and I don’t believe in the whole producers and directors dress like shit theory. We treated our image the way that agents do and sold ourselves to ever person that came through our doors. As the money slowly started coming in, we started doing maintenance in the office to make the conference room look better. After much work, we had a kick ass conference room and lobby. Our personal offices looked like something out of the projects, but we knew that we could avoid anyone ever going in there. In the beginning we had friends come in and pose as secretaries until we figured out this whole give college credit deal where you didn’t have to pay people to work for you. Amazing.

We had written our fair share of scripts but we needed more material to take to the studios. Friend and I were busy trying to get a production company off the ground and that greatly decreased any writing time that we had before. We were busy spending our last cents on nine dollar drinks at the bar and picking up the tab on drinks after work. So, we did what every young non investment-backed production company does. We took out an ad in the trades and on internet classified sites looking for new material. We were hoping to find some hot young writer that was undiscovered and putting out genius material. We learned our lesson. Below is the ad put in the paper and some of the material we received.

New start up production company looking for material to option and take to the studios. Only serious inquiries please.

Three dogs find there way through the depths of Africa all with celebrity voices such as Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.

Six men fall in love with the same gal all while trying to find a lost diamond at a water park.

A young man has a genie grant his wish to be older than he really is. (think I’ve heard this one before)

A guy and a girl fall in love in front of the moonlight but the kicker is that they are both gay.

A taxi cab driver becomes a Nascar Racer after his license is revoked.

Two chickens discover that their favorite food is…chicken. Voiced by celebrity voices such as Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.

A pastor on the run must find a secret treasure while saving the world with his message.

A lawyer takes the bar exam, but it’s not really the bar exam. It’s the bartenders exam and then he gets embarrassed.

A weatherman has trouble predicting the weather after he gets caught in the weather.

A cow is exiled from his cow family after he discovers that he is gay. Voiced by celebrity actors such as Ellen or Elton John.

A dog is embarrassed after he learns that his tail is not actually his penis.

LD

Lightning Strike

You want to talk Industry? Current industry? Then we have to talk about the strike. I don’t want to, but that’s all there is. Friend already posted about the strike a few times, but that was weeks ago. Things have moved forward since then with some serious progress. And of course by that, I really mean that no headway has been made what so ever. I have yet to see any budging from either side. There is a reason for this: Everyone in Hollywood wants to prove how badass they are. Or at least show who has the most important job. I would love to take this argument back and forth with the whole “Which came first? The Chicken or the Egg” thing, but seriously…come on. The writers hold all the weight. If you disagree, you’re a dumbass.

For all the people in this town that have more than enough money to hold them over, the strike is nothing more to them than a vacation. That’s why most of the high-end actors, and talk show hosts are all in support for this thing. They don’t care. I wouldn’t either if were them. I would be on an exotic island somewhere lying on the beach until I got a phone call. If it lasted 22 weeks like it did last time, then so be it. I would come back with a hell of a tan. I can’t wait until the talk shows come back on. It will be like in elementary school when you go back to class after Christmas break and cant wait to tell everyone what presents you got. Only now it will be a ton of B-list actors telling all of America how they spent their time while the writers were striking. “Well, since I couldn’t act, I bought a hovercraft and road it all the way up the pacific coast and became one with the seagulls.”

It’s not the actors I’m worried about; it’s the production crews. They are taking a really hard hit, and I feed badly for the people loosing their jobs over this just so to make other people feel bad for going on strike. Even more so, I feel for the kids that moved all the way out the LA in hopes of pursuing their dreams of working in the film industry and arriving to find nothing more than a bunch of pissed off writers and empty sets. The people that are already working the jobs that these kids seek, are getting fired, so there is no way in hell they are going to hire anyone else right now. And when this thing finally blows over, there are going to be twice as many people looking for the same amount of jobs. It sucks, it really does…. I would hire them all myself, but I would have to make pay cuts, and that would probably make my already existing employees go on a strike of their own. Damn those writers and their ability to think of everything!

AJ

Panera Confrontation

The other day I stopped in at the Panera Bread over on Sepulveda to get a ham and swiss on ciabatta bread. It’s a rarity for me to get something different than that because that’s what I like and why should I get anything different. Rhetorical question. Every time I go to Panera there are always three people in front of me who look at the menu as if it was written in a foreign language. I do this little “scoot forward” thing to kind of show them that I already know what I want. Then, the first person finally decides what she wants and steps up to the plate.

That person looks dumbfounded once she realizes that she has an option between an apple, a small piece of bread, or chips. Is that really a choice? Who chooses an apple over chips? Chips? Wendy’s brags because they let you pick something besides fries with your combo. Who doesn’t want fries with their combo? Fries are the only reason that the fast food industry still exists.

First, let me say that I have never kicked anyone in the throat before. Never. The guy in front of me drops a quarter on the ground and walks away. That quarter is now abandoned property and open to the public domain. I don’t care around change in my pocket because I don’t work at a concession stand so if I see a quarter laying there, I think of the future benefit. It turns out that I needed twenty-three cents so I picked up the quarter off the ground.

The cashier smiles when I picked it up and we shared a chuckle together. I start to walk off and this guy comes back looking for his quarter. I guess he was so dehydrated that he had to get his drink before picking up the quarter on the first go round. He asks if anyone has seen the quarter and the cashier totally rats me out. The guy looks at me as if I had just beaten up a handicapped kid with a cane. Then, he resorts to call me an asshole in front of the restaurant.

So, he kind of gives me a quick smirk and walks back to the table to eat his food. I knew I could quickly embarrass this guy, but I also knew that I needed more than a snippy comeback. So, I went to a new cashier and told her to give me twenty dollars worth of change. I filled up a Panera Bread cup with it and proceeded to dump it all over the guy’s food. It was kind of a dick move but it contained so much irony.

Well, the guy follows me outside like we are going to fight in the parking lot or something. He starts mouthing off while his wife is standing behind him screaming. He comes up and takes a swing at me. Are you serious? Eighth grade? The missed swing made him fall to the ground, and it made me drop my iphone. He did this belly move where he dragged himself over to pick up the phone. I really don’t know what he had in mind after he got the phone in his hands, but before he could get it I kicked him in the throat.

LD

Organic Food.

Today, I met the girl of my dreams, acquired her number, and threw it away. That last one was on purpose. Yeah, I just summed up this entire post in the first sentence. That was wrong of me, and I apologize. I will rewind and play this thing out from the beginning. I just thought you might like to first see where this story is going before you commit to riding it out. Besides, some of my favorite movies are the ones that start out with the ending and work forward.

I got a call from one of my good friends who I have lunch with about once a week. I asked him about lunch plans for the day. He said his mother was in town, and would be coming along. I met them at a place called Leaf Cuisine: An organic, vegan, raw restaurant. My friend's mom only eats that kind of food, so we had to go along with it. I didn’t mind. When it comes to food, I will try anything once.

We were standing in line looking at this menu that might as well have been written in Japanese because I didn’t understand what any of it was. There were also no pictures anywhere in the joint, so I was pretty much out of luck anyway you looked at it. My friend was in the bathroom, and his mom was behind me in line on her cell phone. So, I tapped the girl ahead of me in line on the shoulder, and asked her if she had ever eaten this stuff before. My luck had just changed. Not only was she extremely beautiful, she was very knowledgeable of everything on the menu. She got really excited to tell me all about it too. On and on she went: “The hummus is amazing, and so is the Pad Thai, oh and I really like the Rawsagna. If this is your first time you might want to try the Mock Salmon or the Caesar Wrap.” I was far too busy observing how her already adorable face lit up even more when she was telling me about the food, that I missed most of her descriptions. It was her turn to order and I was next, so I looked back up to the menu for a recap. The only word I recognized was Caesar. I’ve had a few Caesar Salad’s in my day, I figured they couldn’t fuck that up too badly. The employee asked if I wanted it as a salad or a wrap. What? You’re going to put my salad inside a tortilla? Sure, why not.

Cute Girl got her organic food to go, so she just sat at the bar until her order was ready and headed out. I got a table for the three of us, and was waiting for the food. I noticed over by the bar that Cute Girl had left her bag on the floor. I grabbed it, and took off after her. She was already making her way back for it, and we met half way in the parking lot. I’m not sure if she was more excited to see her bag or me, because she jumped straight back into the weird food conversation. “How did you like your wrap?” I told her that my order hadn’t come up yet, but I was looking forward to trying something new. She went on to tell me about how she usually eats there 3-4 times a week, and gave me her number. She said if I was ever there again and wanted company, she would love to join me. Wow, what an amazing girl. Very pretty, forward, and cares about what she eats. I couldn't wait to find out more about her.

When I went back inside my food was waiting at the table: A bunch of small lettuce wrapped up inside of one big leaf of lettuce. No tortilla? I took one bite of it, sat it down and walked over to the trash can. Not just because I wanted to vomit, but to throw that lying bitch’s phone number away. There is no way in hell I could date a girl who would make me eat that shit 4 times a week.

AJ

Breaking In

I often get asked the age old question. How do I make it in Hollywood? That really depends on what you mean by making it and/or what you really want to do. I really can’t tell you how an actor makes it in the business or a director. The only way that I’ve personally seen people do well in those professions is to meet me. The only advice I can give is to tell people how I made it.

If you want anyone to give you anything you have to have something they want. I learned that after tons of letters and resumes went unanswered. I sent off scripts to studios and talent agencies. Some were returned unopened and most were probably tossed in the trashcan. I did everything I knew how to do to make my place in the business, but nothing ever really happened until I actually arrived in the city of angels.

Everyone is told that if you want to make it in Hollywood, naturally, you need to move to Hollywood. That’s true in theory, but the important thing to remember is that you have to plant your seed before you arrive. If you show up in this town with nothing, it’s like showing up to a golf game without any clubs. You need to have something that people want.

I knew that I could write screenplays, but I also knew that other people could as well. I knew that I was passionate about the business, but I also knew that other people were. That’s why I chose to go to law school. I needed something to set me apart from the competition. I needed a gimmick and law school gave me that edge. Sadly, the hardest thing about Hollywood is getting a foot in the door, and that’s what law school did for me. It put me in the same position as someone who grew up in Los Angeles with a powerful father. It got me in the door.

Once you are in the dance club you can meet ladies, and once you are in the business you can start to make things happen. I’d written a script that I knew could make waves, but I needed my foot in the door before anyone would take me seriously. I needed law school to get my foot in the door. Graduate school is not for everyone, but it can definitely give one an edge up if they need it. Some don’t. It can also be a huge waste of money if not used correctly. Your route is really up to you.

LD

Traff-Tastrophe

Hello Readers,

It’s the other Friend here with yet another Hollywoodless blog. Keep your heads up though, this Strike will end sooner or later, and when it does… I promise we will Hollywood the living shit out you. Yeah, and you didn’t even know that Hollywood could be used as a verb. It can.

Driving in LA isn’t as bad as everyone says. The people that talk about how horrible it is fall into 2 categories: 1. People that have never actually been here, and just go off what someone else says (that “someone” has probably also never been here) and 2. Asians.


If you’ve lived in LA your whole life, the traffic is no big deal. You’re used to it. It’s the people that move here from small towns that we have to worry about. They are the ones giving us the bad reputation. I moved here from a town with less than one hundred thousand people. I could get from my house to anywhere else in the city in less than 10 minutes. True Story. Once I got here, small trips took a bit longer. I adapted with no fuss because those “small trips” were to more exciting places than the ones back home. There, I could make it to the McDonalds and back home in about seven minutes. As record breaking as that may sound, I would much rather be here spending an extra twenty-five minutes driving to a place where I can eat top-notch sushi off a naked woman’s body.

I’m not going to give you any tips on driving in LA. There are none. The tips that everyone else gives out can be used when driving anywhere. Surely by now you’ve noticed that people with cars generally go to work and get off around the same times everyday. If you can’t stay off the freeways during those times, then you are a fucking idiot who deserves to sit in traffic. Feel free to curse as loud as you can while sitting there, I heard that helps speed things along.

There is a hand signal that is used when driving that I think we should all adopt. I use the hell out of it and I love when I see it being used be others. No, I didn’t invent the signal, but I did give it a name: “The Courtesy Wave” This move is done after someone in another lane allows you to merge over into his or her lane and get in front of them. When done properly, it is so beautiful. If, after signaling, you are granted the space to merge in front of the cooperating automobile, you go ahead and make your way over. Once there, raise your right hand up by the rearview mirror, and give off a little wave. A wave that says: “Thanks, because of your kindness, I will not miss my exit ramp.” ***Note: Do not use your left hand to give the Courtesy Wave, the car will not see it unless your window is down. And I doubt it is because “someone” also once said this city has a smog problem. It’s true, if you breathe it in… you will die.

AJ

Passing Time

With all the movies at the studio on hold because of the pending strike, Friend and I have had to find other ways to spend our time. We love movies and television but even your passion can start to ware you down after a while. So we’ve resorted to a game that we’ve spent much time on while planning our Hollywood empire.

This game is simple in theory, but much harder to enact. To play the game you need two mouths and bag full of marshmallows. If you must, you can only use two marshmallows, but this will greatly shorten the game in the long run due to extenuating factors. Now, just like in tennis, you need to get a few practice runs in.

You take the marshmallow and toss it into your friend’s mouth. You can start with a few direct throws, but you really need to get a few tosses off to the side and down low to get warmed up. This will prove to be beneficial down the road once the game goes into full effect. Remember, the way to catch a marshmallow is to always go backwards with the marshmallow. Don’t stab at it unless in the rare situation that you have to dive.

Now, once you’ve got a ninety percent completion rate or better you’re ready to play the game. First, Friend will toss one my way and I’ll toss one his way at the same time. This requires great eye mouth coordination. Next, you want to try behind the back and between the legs once you’ve mastered the first technique. If you trust your friend’s hygiene, try spitting from one mouth across the room into the other. Finally, you have to integrate the walls and ceilings for a more unpredictable effect.

Whether you choose to eat the marshmallows that land in your mouth is really up to you. I can’t advise you there other than to say that it will ruin smores for the rest of your life if you eat all the ones you catch. This is especially true if you catch like I can.

Since Friend and I were both in the same fraternity, we like to treat our assistants like pledges. So we made them all go get three bags of marshmallows. Then, they stand against the wall with their mouths open. We tell them that they have to catch at least five marshmallows to keep their jobs, and then we rapid fire them. If things keep going at this rate we’ll have to hire a whole new staff. Sorry for the Hollywoodless post, but with the way this strike is going, my next post will be about the time Friend taught me how to juggle.

LD

Autographing

I think I had always planned on being famous. I used to practice my signature all the time. This started in high school and just turned into an OCD thing over the years. Every time I had something to write with and something else to write on, my signature was sure to follow. Checks were my favorite, but I only got to sign one of those at the beginning of every month. The only thing I needed to write checks for in college was rent. Now I write them almost non-stop. Well, I have someone write them for me, which is almost the same thing. Only now, my assistant has one of those self-inking stamps with my signature on it, and he just slams it down upon my approval. I remember when I had that thing made; I must have signed my name a hundred times trying to get the perfect one for the template.

That’s something I’ve yet to see with a celebrity. I can picture it though, and I laugh when I do. Imagine Justin Timberlake out shopping when he is spotted by a crowd of fans…. all wanting autographs. Timberlake, who is in hurry but still wants to please his admirers, pulls out a self-inking signature stamper and goes to town on them. He makes it through the entire group in under a minute and is back on his way. As practical as that seems, it would never happen. At least not for Justin. He’s way too famous to go out in public like that. He has to have people do his shopping for him. I often wonder how he likes not being able to go out like a normal person. I’m sure at first it might be neat to watch people go ape shit at the very sight of you, but after a while I think it would have to suck.

I’m content with my level of fame. Since I spend all of my time on the other side of the camera, it’s possible for people to not know who I am. I’m fine with that because not only do I make more money than the people in front of the camera, but I get to do something I thoroughly enjoy with a certain level of anonymity. Which is great for me, because I can still have fans that appreciate my work without sacrificing my love for going to the grocery store. I may not be able to dance as well as Timberlake, but at least I can buy my Nutella in peace.

AJ

WGA Strikes Again...I'm having way too much fun with the puns on "Strike"

I rolled into the studios past the picketers again today. It’s kind of annoying to drive around them but is spices up the day a bit. I thought about having one of my assistants set up a cappuccino stand next to them to earn the studio a little more revenue but decided against it. We have to keep up our relationship with these people because they keep the business running. We send food and drinks out all day long and keep feeding them all the Hollywood Trades so they can keep up on the non-business that’s going on in the business right now.

I truly feel that we are the only studio actually doing any work now. I heard Paramount and some of the others were doing some housekeeping chores to keep busy. You know just the old magic Hollywood accountant cooking the books to try and figure out how they can lower back profits off of streaming online content more once the strike ends. I’ve always been of the school of thought that if someone makes you money you better damn well pay them what they deserve.

We were the first studio to start streaming our content online. We saw the digital age coming before Steve Jobs did. That was a joke, Steve. You know what’s sweet about being rich? Apple personally made me a computer where the studios name lights upon the back like the Apple does. I tried to get them to do one with my penis but they said that it looked too much like the twig of the apple so we just left it at that.

I would like to take a quick second to address the irony of extremely rich writers holding up three dollar picket signs attached to popsicle sticks. Now, I know that not every writer in Hollywood is rich, and many of the poorer ones are out there picketing to get the guys that keep taking their jobs more money. But I counted five people I’ve written checks out to that contain quite a few zeros. We have eight people in front of the studio in options deals right now. You wouldn’t believe the number of calls I’ve received from writers who picket in the day and want to keep their writing project going at night. Disloyal bastards. I’m not that much of a dick to make them do that. Well…….I’m not going to give a response to that.

LD

Inspiration

Why do I write? I started writing because I don’t sleep when everyone else does. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. So I just talked to myself. Not out loud, but in the form of words on my computer screen. I’m not crazy; I just have jacked up sleeping patterns. Some really good movies have come from this problem of mine though. That’s how I know I have a passion for this stuff, I don’t think about anything else. Seriously. Break into my thoughts one night if you don’t believe me. Every time I think, it’s about something that would make a great scene, or a clever line of dialogue, or an unbelievable series of shots. I might even go on to recommend doing this if you are uncertain of your passions. Don’t put off sleeping on purpose just because you want to discover what makes you tick. I’m just saying; if you find yourself unable to drift off, you might want to take notice of the things that are keeping you from doing that.

Or don’t, I don’t care. If I took inspiration advice from some of the kids who were studying film with me in college, I would still be back home working at Hollywood Video… or the local multiplex. I heard a few of them were still scooping popcorn there. These kids were all about NOT “selling out.” They were cutthroat artist who hypothetically, could get offered buckets of money for their film if they would only cut it down from 3 hours to 90 minutes and leave out all the bullshit… and they would tell the investors to go fuck themselves. They didn’t care about money, only artistic expression. They wanted people to see their movie for what it was, without making it commercialized. If that meant no one would ever see a single frame, then so be it. They weren’t about to sell out. Well, what they called selling out, I called working. That’s why I went to college: to turn my education into money. In my case, getting paid by the shitloads to make movies.

My advice is to not listen to advice. Listen to good music. Read good books, or do neither. I just contradicted myself by giving out advice that was also contradicting. So, I will just give out recommendations from now on. My first recommendation is that you check out the new CD from one of my favorite bands: Angels and Airwaves. Their new album came out yesterday and is called I-Empire. Do yourself a favor and buy it. Music can be an excellent source of inspiration. That wasn’t advice, it was only a reccomendation. See the difference?

AJ

WGA Strike 3

I’m not going to put my two cents into the strike because that’s been done a million times before. Everyone has something to say that is going to cure it and/or keep it going. The strike is old news, and we really don’t care about it anymore. I’ll tell you this…without writers Hollywood is nothing. Writers are the architects of the system and without them the house is going to fall constantly.

I’m a member of the WGA and have been for over fifteen years. Where does that leave me? I’m a studio head who occasionally needs to put a script out to the public. Do I need the WGA to advocate for me in a confrontation? No. I’ve got an in house legal team to do that sort of thing for me. I’m licensed by the California Bar. I pay my dues every year. So why am I a member of the WGA? To show support.

Do I buy into the whole don’t prolong this strike by not going around the system? No I don’t. Studio X keeps going because we will it to keep going. We’ve got rooms in the studio filled with scripts that are just waiting to get made. Do you not think that every underling assistant in the building wants to be a writer? You’re damn straight they do, and I’ll bet that if we put ten of them together they can probably come up with an idea to make the script work if we shoot in Vegas instead of Columbia.

I know what it’s like to be a starving writer, and I know what it’s like to be a rich producer. And I know what it’s like to be a mega-rich studio head. At the end of the day we all work together for a common goal. They have to get what they want, and I’ll lend my full support but the show must go on. I’m not going to shut down our television wing just because writers want royalties on dvd sales. Should they get them? Absolutely.

To be honest with you, I have no idea why I’m even writing this now. I have to write eight new television shows right after I revoke my WGA membership. I’ll join back up after the fray if they’ll have me. Don’t worry. They’ll take me back because they want their writers to have jobs when the strike is over.

Tours Shmours

Like I said, I have never actually been on our Studio’s organized tours. I didn’t even know how much we charged for that sort of thing until last Wednesday when I decided to go on the tour myself. Thirty-five bucks. Add that to the cost of the new Ray-Bans and hat I bought to keep from being recognized and we’re looking at a cool two hundred bucks just to have fun. But, I spend close to that amount on dinner at least three nights every week, so fuck it.

I noticed a while back that the Tour’s Shuttle bus always passed by the building with our offices, and depending on the Tour guide, they would point out my assigned parking space and say something like “That’s where the CEO’s park.” So I made sure I drove my new Porsche Carrera GT to work that day. I usually drive a hybrid to help out the environment, but this city’s smog problem is already way passed the point of preventative concern, so again, fuck it. (I swear that’s the last time I’m going to end a paragraph like that)

I’m on the tour, sitting in the back of the Shuttle, and our guide starts throwing out questions left and right. What is the studio’s longest running TV show? Who directed Studio X’s first movie? What actor has appeared in the most movies produced by Studio X? It was hard to not respond. Of course I knew all the answers to questions about my own studio. Right or wrong, I was still letting the other people on the tour answer the questions as we were moving along. We’ll at least until one of the last questions. The guide asked if anyone knew what a Foley Artist was. This one guy up front who had already answered 3 questions incorrectly said “Ugh, yeah he’s the guy deals with the Lighting on a set” “WRONG! JACKASS!” I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Plus I felt sorry for the poor girl giving the tour having to put up with his ignorance. I think her name was Amanda.

I took off the hat and shades, apologized for the outburst, and introduced myself. I told Amanda to have a seat, and that I would be driving the shuttle for the rest of the tour. I got on the intercom and told the group that this was their lucky day. For the first and only time in history, they would be receiving a never before seen tour given by one of the CEO’s.

I was driving the hell out of that shuttle. Something I have never done before, so I was just thinking of all the places on the lot I could take them. I eventually asked Amanda what else she would do if she were still driving and she said, “Nothing Sir, you’ve done everything I would have done if I were giving a tour.” Well, that pissed me off. I thought I was doing something special and showing off things not normally on the tour. So I drove the tour group right up to the door of the gift shop, and told them that anything they wanted out of there was on me. I also told Amanda if she could beat that surprise ending on her Tour Guide wages I would permanently trade jobs with her. New cost of having fun: $3,649.18. Fuck it.

AJ

Visitors

Dear Readers,

Had another unexpected visitor pass through town. Taking them out, but I wanted to go ahead and fill your heads with anticipation. Yesterday, I took my own studio tour incognito. I will tell you all about it before I tuck myself in for bed.

AJ

Sent from my iPhone

Star Struck

When you think of being star struck, you think of being in the presence of someone you idolized as a kid. You think of that great actor that you sat in the theater to watch. You think of someone that serves as a pseudo mentor to you and someone that you always wanted to be. Then you become a producer and you don’t give a shit anymore. You start to see the star of a celebrity as nothing more than a dollar sign attached to their head and a deciding factor to make a movie.

I used to want to be an actor, and then, I realized that they live and die in this town. They don’t have a long lifespan and the ones that do are the ones that can be recognized by their first names. Producers used to be the leaders of this town. They were the ones that dominated and controlled the town. They signed stars to long-term contracts and paid them little money. The stars got famous and the producers got rich.

Things have slowly changed now that everyone from the creative exec who presides over the movie to the hairdresser who fixes up the stars gets an executive producer credit on the film. Producers aren’t what they used to be now that every movie star becomes a producer after a few big hits. They want control over their vehicle and they want to drive their project forward. Movie stars and directors control the town these days because along with those nifty titles they can also throw producer by their name.

The days of the true producer who nurtures the movie to what the script meant it to be are over. These days producers are nothing more than people who whore out celebrities to get another credit to their roster that hopefully brings in enough royalties to afford the car lease and the semi-just outside of Beverly Hills mansion. I try every day to be the producer of old, but these days it’s so hard to get a beautiful movie in front of the right person that you have to take what you can get.

The people who say that they’ll never sell out are poor. You have to sell out in this town to get to do what you want. This is called show business. It’s not called show me your film theories you learned in your liberal arts college. If you take the movie part away we are just car salesmen and women (gender neutral) who are trying to move a product.

With all of my work in the business, I don’t get star struck by your average mega-star anymore. It takes something more. I will admit that I was out at Diddy Riese getting a cookie with the wife when Kobe Bryant walked up to the line. I had some loose connections with his agent when we were attempting to get a cameo out of him in the sports agent movie so we had a mutual connection. We really hit it off and I was as nervous as a hooker on tax day.(oooooh I changed that up bitches)

I kept trying to convince him that we could do the White Men Can't Jump thing and try to hustle some people on the court. We settled for a game of ping pong instead and I bet him one thousand bucks before we ever played the best of seven series. Folks, it turns out an athlete is an athlete, and that’s why I felt sorry for him when I “accidentally” forgot to tell him that I played a year of college baseball at a junior college down south. He beat me four games to zero but I think I really earned his respect when I smoked him later at Balderdash. Don’t fuck with me at Balderdash, Kobe. I’m badass.

LD