If You Can't Beat'em Then Settle

When I found out that Friend was telling the Segway story again I strained my abs from laughing too hard. After that happened, I thought I was going to have to get hypnotized to remove that thought from my memory because I couldn’t get through a damn meeting with my screenwriters without doubling over in laughter. Before I tell you the conclusion to the story, let me first tell you my point of view.

At the time, I was producing this comedy/action movie with one of the larger studios in town. I brought the movie in at 15 million over budget because we lost a tank in one of the Great Lakes. All of the big execs at the studio were screaming at me, and anytime I am not in control of a situation, I start to get pissed. I’ve found that the best remedy for me at least, is to do something I can control, and that is buying things.

My wife created a rule when we got married that I couldn’t get on the internet and drink at the same time. This all happened a few years ago after a late night after an award show in Beverly Hills, ten shots of patron, ten minutes on the internet and when a hummer was delivered to our house two weeks later. So after I got back from the meeting with the execs, I had my sights set on hitting the internet and bringing something home to take my pain away.

I walk into the office and see something that looks like a dolly. I didn’t know what the fuck it was, but I stood on it and thought it was going to fall over. It didn’t and instead it took off with me on it. It was the most amazing piece of machinery I had ever seen. I really didn’t know where it came from, but I just assumed that after my casting session in NYC and the bar down in Soho, I might have found internet access.

I knew that if I had this wonderful wheel barrow machine, then everyone else in the office had to have one as well. The film was already fifteen million over budget and I was pissed off at the execs. I ordered twenty-seven more of them charged to the movie and they were delivered two hours later. Some guy came by to do some training, but we all played freeze tag on them instead.

So you know the rest of the story. My assistant crashed into the ground, and I felt sorry for her but only the strong survive in this world. She left crying and I got a notice of lawsuit three days later. I’m on a slower learning curve than friend, and it took me a good two weeks to figure out that Segways weren’t worth the money. My ex-assistant was suing for one hundred thousand dollars and through my war-like negotiating tactics, I got them to settle for twenty-eight Segways instead. Friend was pissed when he found out that I lost his Segway, but everything evened out. I can’t help but to smile and think of my ex-assistant every time Friend shows up at the lot driving that big ass hummer.

LD

I Believe I can Fly...

Well, I don’t know if I actually believe that, but I do believe if there were a machine you could buy that made you fly, I would buy it. Who wouldn’t? Remember when those Segways first came out? People were more than willing to pay five grand for a machine that did what? Eliminated walking? Made you look like a Robot? I don’t know, but they were different so people bought them. I did. When I first got mine, I used it to ride around from my office to the sound stages on the studio’s lot. People normally use golf carts around here, so I pulled the whole Segway transportation display as more of a comedic stunt. No one laughed. I should have just rolled up on a Big-Wheel like a true badass. Do they even still make those? It would have saved me a shit ton of money if they did.

Have you ever experienced something so funny that it stays funny forever? No matter how long ago it happened or what you’re doing, you still laugh. The other people in the funeral home are assuming you’ve gone mad for bursting out in random laughter in such a somber setting. But its not your fault, you cant help when and where you are when that brief moment of hilarity decides to resurface. Well I have a story about one of those times.

*** Just so were clear, this is a story about something I’ve witnessed that I continue to think is funny when I re-live that experience, NOT about me thinking of that certain experience and laughing some place I shouldn’t have been laughing. (like a funeral home)

So, back to the Segway... I parked it in the hall and totally forgot about it because it’s stupid and pointless. When I went back for it a few hours later, it wasn’t there. Friend must have found it, took it for a spin, and left it someplace else. I went to his office to see if he knew where it was, but he wasn’t in there. He must have still been out riding that dumb thing around. I tried to find out if anyone had seen where he rode off to, but neither of his assistants were at their desk. In fact, no one was in the office at all. Where the hell was everyone? I looked out the window, and there they were…. all on Segways. He bought one for each person on our entire team. They were following him around on those things from building to building like a pack of water buffalo.

I had to get a closer look. I ran downstairs, jumped on the nearest golf cart, and took off after them. Once I got close enough to see what was really going on, it was just what I expected. He enjoyed the hell out of that thing so much, that he could never imagine a time he wanted to be off of it. As a result, the people he always had around him taking orders and running errands, had to be able to keep up with him to take part in their own abuse. His assistants were keeping up with their normal tasks of answering phones and taking notes, which didn’t look easy standing up at 17mph. His second assistant was writing down a phone number on her hand when she hit a speed bump at an awkward angle. She went down face first on the pavement. And being Friend’s assistant, she was up closest to him in the herd. At least four people from development ran over her before the rest of the team could figure out how to make those things stop. Listen, I know it might have sounded brutally painful to you, but I was there..... Trust me, it was hilarious.

AJ