Reindeer Humping

Why or how do reindeers hump you ask? Well that’s an amazingly dumb question that warrants a very intelligible response. I’ll try my best to define it for you. Reindeer humping involves the human placement of lawn reindeer Christmas decorations in a manner that resembles procreation. In other words, you pull up to a house, jump out of the car and set up the reindeers to look like they’re humping each other. It works perfectly because the first reindeer always has his head down like he’s pulling the sleigh. Then, you prop the second one up behind him and it looks like a perfect reverse reindeer humping position.

Then, the amazing part happens, which is enough to brighten even the most depressed person’s day. You have to drive about a mile down the road. Then, you turn around and pretend like you don’t know what you just did and observe the house from an outsider’s perspective. And it all it’s glorious magnitude are two reindeers grinding right in the middle of a wonderful Christmas scene. There’s nothing better. You know some old guy gets up for work at 6:30 in the morning, walks outside and laughs his ass of at the site of his reindeer making passionate love.

Now that you understand the objective, let me tell you the story. Friend and I aren’t old but we’re also not as young as we used to be. But we made a promise early in this business to never lose the kid in us. So, we make it a yearly tradition to make all the reindeers hump and it’s much more fun in Beverly Hills than in Kentucky. The only difference is you have to climb a lot more gates here. So a couple of years ago Friend and I went on our journey.

When you are a media mogul you are always going to have competition and we are no different. The head of another prestigious studio in town is always trying to one up us in everything we do, and we had our assistants scope out his place. We found out that he had the most wonderful reindeer scene in Los Angeles, and we decided to make it one big orgy. Normally, we take the assistants out and make them do the dirty work but this one involved our own sweat and blood. So, we packed up Friend’s Hummer that I gave him and packed hedge clippers, string, duct tape, night vision goggles, and dressed to the nines in our all black gear.

The assistant pulls up and Friend I jump out of the car. We have an elaborate plan to scale the fence and Friend is going to start clipping the wires that separate the reindeers while I start applying the string to hold them together. I get stuck on the damn fence and Friend has to pull me over. We get the reindeers separated and we finally get them set up in orgy position. We are both laughing our asses off and we really should have left at this point, but we were thirsty for blood. We wanted more, and that’s when I made the biggest mistake of the night. I pulled out my Sharpie Mini.

The Sharpie Mini is for emergencies only, and I only use it when I need to write out loud. And this was definitely a situation that called for it because I was about to draw the most elaborate penis of all time on the inflatable snowman. I draw a perfect penis in shape and form and once again I should have been satisfied, but I had to draw the veins. The damn veins. Why do I have to be a perfectionist and have to draw a realistic penis and not just leave it as a cartoonish symbol. As I’m crafting the veins the house alarm goes off and th front door swings open and the studio head runs out the door. He catches Friend trying to scale the fence and me completing my masterpiece snowman penis.

It was an uncomfortable conversation to say the least, and we all had a big laugh about it afterwards. I bought him a whole new Christmas set for his front yard. That shit is expensive and I feel like I own a piece of his front yard, and since it is my decoration set Friend and I are going out this weekend to set the orgy up again. Only this time there won’t be any hitches in the plan.

LD