Tours Shmours

Like I said, I have never actually been on our Studio’s organized tours. I didn’t even know how much we charged for that sort of thing until last Wednesday when I decided to go on the tour myself. Thirty-five bucks. Add that to the cost of the new Ray-Bans and hat I bought to keep from being recognized and we’re looking at a cool two hundred bucks just to have fun. But, I spend close to that amount on dinner at least three nights every week, so fuck it.

I noticed a while back that the Tour’s Shuttle bus always passed by the building with our offices, and depending on the Tour guide, they would point out my assigned parking space and say something like “That’s where the CEO’s park.” So I made sure I drove my new Porsche Carrera GT to work that day. I usually drive a hybrid to help out the environment, but this city’s smog problem is already way passed the point of preventative concern, so again, fuck it. (I swear that’s the last time I’m going to end a paragraph like that)

I’m on the tour, sitting in the back of the Shuttle, and our guide starts throwing out questions left and right. What is the studio’s longest running TV show? Who directed Studio X’s first movie? What actor has appeared in the most movies produced by Studio X? It was hard to not respond. Of course I knew all the answers to questions about my own studio. Right or wrong, I was still letting the other people on the tour answer the questions as we were moving along. We’ll at least until one of the last questions. The guide asked if anyone knew what a Foley Artist was. This one guy up front who had already answered 3 questions incorrectly said “Ugh, yeah he’s the guy deals with the Lighting on a set” “WRONG! JACKASS!” I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Plus I felt sorry for the poor girl giving the tour having to put up with his ignorance. I think her name was Amanda.

I took off the hat and shades, apologized for the outburst, and introduced myself. I told Amanda to have a seat, and that I would be driving the shuttle for the rest of the tour. I got on the intercom and told the group that this was their lucky day. For the first and only time in history, they would be receiving a never before seen tour given by one of the CEO’s.

I was driving the hell out of that shuttle. Something I have never done before, so I was just thinking of all the places on the lot I could take them. I eventually asked Amanda what else she would do if she were still driving and she said, “Nothing Sir, you’ve done everything I would have done if I were giving a tour.” Well, that pissed me off. I thought I was doing something special and showing off things not normally on the tour. So I drove the tour group right up to the door of the gift shop, and told them that anything they wanted out of there was on me. I also told Amanda if she could beat that surprise ending on her Tour Guide wages I would permanently trade jobs with her. New cost of having fun: $3,649.18. Fuck it.

AJ