Pre-Production Blues

Movies get on my nerves. You write a script and then you revise it. Then, you revise it again. Then, you get yelled at and revise it again. You get the picture. Then, if you’re lucky, you whore yourself out to someone you can’t fucking stand like Lindsay Lohan. Please Lindsay, I know that your your abilities and firecrotch would be great in this film. I’ve got a role for both, and I believe that you could win best actress while your firecrotch is sure to take home best supporting actress. After that, you go to every studio in town and you tell them where you stand. If you have a first look deal (like we do with Paramount) you have to go to them first even though you don’t think they’ll do justice to the film. You tell them that you have Lindsay Lohan attached to this script, but you’re still in talks with her firecrotch.

They’re either going to pass, (which is extremely rare because Friend and I have a proven track record for making hits), green light the project immediately (which is also extremely rare because studios are owned by corporate entities who don’t make immediate, intuitive decisions), or put it on the shelf (which is the standard). Basically, they don’t want to make the movie, but they also don’t want anyone else to make it. So, they give you enough option money to keep it on the shelf until either the material outdates itself or you're working on a movie they want to do.

By the time you have cleared a few weeks while Lindsay is out of rehab to make the movie and you’ve cleared a few hours while firecrotch isn’t hugging and asking her friends to come inside and look around you’ve got your lead actress but the movie is dead. You tell the actress that the movie is on hold so they change their schedule. You go back and tell the studio that you have the actress, so it comes alive again. Pre-production usually means no production. Movies live and die in pre-production.

So that’s where we stand now. We’re floating in the magical land of pre-production. We love Jennifer Morrison and we think that she’s exactly what we’re looking for. I suggested Jenna Fischer from “The Office” but we ultimately determined that she’s too plain Jane for us. As soon as Jennifer got the script and made a verbal commitment, we went back to the studio. They said she wasn’t a big enough star. I completely sold her and the studio agreed. I go back to her and she’s making some dumbass comedy with Rob Schneider called Big Stand. I would tell you the logline, but I only have so much time too live and can’t waste time on pre-fabricated movies that were made up in some movie factory to appeal to fucking retards that have ten bucks for a movie ticket. Look it up for yourself on imdbpro. If you don’t have imdbpro-pay for it.

Well, I’ve got a meeting in five minutes with Don LoFontaine (the movie guy who does all the voiceovers). He’s doing the voiceover work for my nieces soccer banquet. He owes me a favor for when I let him hang out on set during a famed actresses’ topless scene. Would tell you who it is, but I’d rather work with her again. If you’re curious, they looked like this (.)(.).

LD

Position Filled

Finally. I got lucky and cast this fucker while Friend was in the Fried Chicken State, or whatever Kentucky’s nickname is. I know California is the Golden State, I forgot the others. Or maybe I wasn’t paying attention. We learned the 50 state’s nicknames in the sixth grade, and that’s when girls started to sprout boobies. What was I supposed to do? Pretend I gave a shit that someone once suggested that Iowa be forever referred to as “The Hawkeye State” in tribute to Indian Leader Chief Black Hawk? No. My classroom was filled with a bunch of once-flat-chested 12-year-old girls who magically erupted into C-cups over the summer break. If Social Studies was that mind blowing, I pinky promise I would have been paying attention.

We decided to go with Jennifer Morrison for the part. She was awesome on the first three seasons of House M.D. The network must have thought so too when they decided to show their appreciation by making her character resign out from under Dr. House and be forced to continue working in a less camera worthy Unit of the same Hospital. Some people over at Fox tried to call me in regards to this decision. I didn’t answer. Of course they left a message flipping out about scheduling conflicts and such, but I don’t think they will have too hard of a time getting in her shots. She has a lousy 45 seconds of screen time or less during each hour-long episode. That’s why I wanted to steal her away. With our studio’s reputation for winning statues, even she will be telling them to go fuck their selves.

Punch me in the face and call me Gumby. I forgot about meeting up with my therapist. I was supposed to be doing this blog so I could stop going to that cunt, now it’s making me miss my sessions. I’m kidding. I love my time with Dr. Houston, but if I catch any lip over this or if she even thinks about telling me to nix the blogging now that I’m actually enjoying it, I will choke slam that overpriced bitch right through her coffee table. Again, I’m only kidding, and not just because I assume she will be reading this, I just thought that situation might be funny: The Coroner shows up on the scene of the murder to meet with his team of Medical Examiners, and they are discussing with LAPD the cause of death. Everyone seems puzzled, but one of the young new guys walks up to the Police Chief after thinking he’s put this whole thing together and says, “Sir, umm, I think she was choke slammed.”

AJ