If You Can't Beat'em Then Settle

When I found out that Friend was telling the Segway story again I strained my abs from laughing too hard. After that happened, I thought I was going to have to get hypnotized to remove that thought from my memory because I couldn’t get through a damn meeting with my screenwriters without doubling over in laughter. Before I tell you the conclusion to the story, let me first tell you my point of view.

At the time, I was producing this comedy/action movie with one of the larger studios in town. I brought the movie in at 15 million over budget because we lost a tank in one of the Great Lakes. All of the big execs at the studio were screaming at me, and anytime I am not in control of a situation, I start to get pissed. I’ve found that the best remedy for me at least, is to do something I can control, and that is buying things.

My wife created a rule when we got married that I couldn’t get on the internet and drink at the same time. This all happened a few years ago after a late night after an award show in Beverly Hills, ten shots of patron, ten minutes on the internet and when a hummer was delivered to our house two weeks later. So after I got back from the meeting with the execs, I had my sights set on hitting the internet and bringing something home to take my pain away.

I walk into the office and see something that looks like a dolly. I didn’t know what the fuck it was, but I stood on it and thought it was going to fall over. It didn’t and instead it took off with me on it. It was the most amazing piece of machinery I had ever seen. I really didn’t know where it came from, but I just assumed that after my casting session in NYC and the bar down in Soho, I might have found internet access.

I knew that if I had this wonderful wheel barrow machine, then everyone else in the office had to have one as well. The film was already fifteen million over budget and I was pissed off at the execs. I ordered twenty-seven more of them charged to the movie and they were delivered two hours later. Some guy came by to do some training, but we all played freeze tag on them instead.

So you know the rest of the story. My assistant crashed into the ground, and I felt sorry for her but only the strong survive in this world. She left crying and I got a notice of lawsuit three days later. I’m on a slower learning curve than friend, and it took me a good two weeks to figure out that Segways weren’t worth the money. My ex-assistant was suing for one hundred thousand dollars and through my war-like negotiating tactics, I got them to settle for twenty-eight Segways instead. Friend was pissed when he found out that I lost his Segway, but everything evened out. I can’t help but to smile and think of my ex-assistant every time Friend shows up at the lot driving that big ass hummer.

LD

I Believe I can Fly...

Well, I don’t know if I actually believe that, but I do believe if there were a machine you could buy that made you fly, I would buy it. Who wouldn’t? Remember when those Segways first came out? People were more than willing to pay five grand for a machine that did what? Eliminated walking? Made you look like a Robot? I don’t know, but they were different so people bought them. I did. When I first got mine, I used it to ride around from my office to the sound stages on the studio’s lot. People normally use golf carts around here, so I pulled the whole Segway transportation display as more of a comedic stunt. No one laughed. I should have just rolled up on a Big-Wheel like a true badass. Do they even still make those? It would have saved me a shit ton of money if they did.

Have you ever experienced something so funny that it stays funny forever? No matter how long ago it happened or what you’re doing, you still laugh. The other people in the funeral home are assuming you’ve gone mad for bursting out in random laughter in such a somber setting. But its not your fault, you cant help when and where you are when that brief moment of hilarity decides to resurface. Well I have a story about one of those times.

*** Just so were clear, this is a story about something I’ve witnessed that I continue to think is funny when I re-live that experience, NOT about me thinking of that certain experience and laughing some place I shouldn’t have been laughing. (like a funeral home)

So, back to the Segway... I parked it in the hall and totally forgot about it because it’s stupid and pointless. When I went back for it a few hours later, it wasn’t there. Friend must have found it, took it for a spin, and left it someplace else. I went to his office to see if he knew where it was, but he wasn’t in there. He must have still been out riding that dumb thing around. I tried to find out if anyone had seen where he rode off to, but neither of his assistants were at their desk. In fact, no one was in the office at all. Where the hell was everyone? I looked out the window, and there they were…. all on Segways. He bought one for each person on our entire team. They were following him around on those things from building to building like a pack of water buffalo.

I had to get a closer look. I ran downstairs, jumped on the nearest golf cart, and took off after them. Once I got close enough to see what was really going on, it was just what I expected. He enjoyed the hell out of that thing so much, that he could never imagine a time he wanted to be off of it. As a result, the people he always had around him taking orders and running errands, had to be able to keep up with him to take part in their own abuse. His assistants were keeping up with their normal tasks of answering phones and taking notes, which didn’t look easy standing up at 17mph. His second assistant was writing down a phone number on her hand when she hit a speed bump at an awkward angle. She went down face first on the pavement. And being Friend’s assistant, she was up closest to him in the herd. At least four people from development ran over her before the rest of the team could figure out how to make those things stop. Listen, I know it might have sounded brutally painful to you, but I was there..... Trust me, it was hilarious.

AJ

The Week My Boss Saw My Boobs....Three Times Part 2

First, let me say that I hold a law degree from Duke. I am a professional woman who wants nothing more than to
make it in this industry. Monday morning-very uncomfortable to say the least. At this time, I was dating a guy who moved to NYC after college. I told him that my boss saw my breasts and he freaks out and gets all jealous.

I tell him that it was clearly an accident and that he has seen my boobs many more times than my boss has-sorry mom. It's been three weeks since I've seen him at this time, and he starts saying that he knows that he's seen my boobs more but they may have changed since he saw them last. I tell him that they haven't changed, but he keeps pressing the issue to where we can't have a normal conversation without my boobs taking over.

Finally, being the excellent negotiator that I am from law school, I suggest that I'll send him a current picture of my boobs so he can tell that they haven't changed. Of course, he agrees. I take the picture the picture on Monday night. I'll admit it, I took the picture like fifty times from different angles. I sent the picture to him at like three in the morning before work hoping and praying that this discussion will be over the next day. The title said, "My two titties for my itty bitty." That's a nickname I call him. Yeah, weird time in my life. Get over it.

I go to work on Tuesday and the tension is just killing me. Every time I see LD, I can't help but to think that he's imagining his assistant holding his Blackberry standing topless in front of him. So I decide to go have a conversation with him. He's at an all day meeting over at CAA and won't be back until 5. I really wanted to get this off my chest. Sorry for the pun. To see if the problem with my boyfriend is alleviated, I call him at lunch. I ask him about the picture and he asks me when I'm going to send it.

I rush back to my email and yup, you guessed it. Sent it to LD by accident. I rush back into his office hoping to fix this problem. I try everything to break into his email. The phone keeps ringing so I'm running back and forth to his office trying to delete this picture. Finally, I have the first assistant come into his office. I close the door and tell him my problem. Being the male dominated mind that he is, he tells me that the only way he's giving me the password to LD's email is if I show him my boobs also. Listen, I'm not a slut. Really. But at this moment, I knew my professional career was on the
line.

I tell him that if he opens the email, I'll let him see the picture. He reasons that he could already do that on his own and plus he wants to see real life hooters. Am I in seventh grade? He says that I have to show them for ten seconds. I can't believe I am telling this story. Well, here I go, boobs in the open air trying to save my job.

LD bursts through the door chatting away on his phone. I'm still showing my boobs to the assistant. Being a veteran at this
situation now, I just turn to LD and show him as well. He says, "I'll call you back." Hangs up. Looks at me. "Do you really want me to see your tits or something?" Wow. He tells assistant number one to get out and tells me I'm fired. I start crying and tell him the wholestory. He softens a bit until I get to the bribe part about assistant number one. This pisses him off, and I mean he loved this kid.

As for me, I got to keep my job and my dignity. As for assistant number one, the last I heard he moved back to Michigan after he couldn't even get a job at Starbucks. The guy had a Harvard MBA and got blacklisted throughout LA. The cool thing about it was that LD never told the story to anyone. He said I would eventually get the chance to tell it on my own terms-so here it is. As for the picture, LD says it's stored away in an email account somewhere just waiting to
be posted on Perez Hilton if I ever screw him over. Hey, he's not the head of one of the most prolific studios in Hollywood because he's stupid.

SM

The Week My Boss Saw My Boobs....Three Times Part 1

I am a beautiful small planet that has the privilege to work under the
sun on a daily basis. A million comets and asteroids would give
anything to be in my solar position.

Hello all: I'm LD's second assistant Sadie. He makes me say things
like that on a daily basis because he thinks it's funny. Don't get me wrong, Studio X is the best place any assistant in this town could work. LD stopped off in Kentucky on his way back from the Yankees game to see his parents. He claims that they don't have internet there so he needed me to post for him. He has been getting his pilot's license for six months and he does great while in the air, but he can't land. He freaks out once the plane starts going down and refuses to be in the cockpit.

So in the sake of comic relief, LD wanted me to relay the story about
the time he saw my boobs. This is possibly the most embarrassing
story of my entire life, but if you want to move up in Hollywood you have to do as you're told. I was nearly fired for this big misunderstanding, and I had no idea what was going on, with my life being the sitcom that it is.

So here goes. LD and AJ along with some other investors, bought a
nice pad out in Malibu in the summer of 2006. The place needed some
renovations before they put in back on the market. So they decided to
have a massive beach party while the place was being worked on. I had been working at the office for two weeks (that's right two weeks before my boss saw my boobs).

So I show up to the party in a sundress, trying to be as professional
as possible for my first office party. The party is going along well
and everyone is drinking and having a good time. AJ introduced me to
Ryan Reynolds and I thought I was going to faint after he ripped off
his shirt on the way to the beach. Everyone cleared out of the house
before I realized that I had forgot my bathing suit.

I relayed my problem to AJ and he relayed it to LD's wife. She said
that she had an extra bathing suit in the bedroom and for me to find
one that fits. By this time everyone has left for the beach and I go
into the bedroom to change. Bottoms are on and I'm just trying to
figure out if this top ties in the front or the back. A Blackberry on
the bed begins to ring and I hear footsteps. I pick up the Blackberry
to see who's calling. The door swings open with LD standing at the
door.

Here's the thing. He doesn't freak out. Doesn't even blink an eye.
He looks me right in the eye and then looks down at my breasts. Looks back in my eyes and quickly says, "nice." And walks out. The most awkard moment of my entire life. This story is far from over, and it only gets more embarrassing as it goes along. Stick around for part 2.

SM

And Twins

I had my assistant set me up a lunch with the Olsen Twins. I was in the mood for sushi. I started the conversation with the twins by saying, “Listen, I’m going to win one of you an Oscar. I don’t care which one of you it is, just decide later and let me know.” This town can get upset with me if they want, but I am sick of them both showing up on set to play one character. They split the scenes, do half the work, and take home twice the money. Fuck that. I’m ready to do a movie that breaks up the monotony of a single fertilized egg splitting into two.

They didn’t act like it during the lunch, but I have a feeling that they are both secretly jazzed about the opportunity to escape their all of the sudden not so interesting lives. They’re twins, we get it…and now were over it. They have to be sick of doing movies together anyways. How old would it get to continue hearing different variations of this pitch: “Ok, you two play twin sisters on the cheerleading squad and you have both fallen for the captain of the football team and he cant tell you apart and… NEXT!

I really hope that one of them just isn’t in the mood for signing contracts this week. I’d hate to have to audition them both for the same part. How awkward would that be? It’s not like I can tell Mary-Kate that she didn’t have the look I was going for, she competed against an exact replica. Personally, I like the ring “Ashley Olsen” has to it better, but it’s unfair for me to take that kind of bias just because I know they will call out her name in the Kodak Theater come February. I guess it would be more diplomatic to just flip a coin.

AJ