Reindeer Humping

Why or how do reindeers hump you ask? Well that’s an amazingly dumb question that warrants a very intelligible response. I’ll try my best to define it for you. Reindeer humping involves the human placement of lawn reindeer Christmas decorations in a manner that resembles procreation. In other words, you pull up to a house, jump out of the car and set up the reindeers to look like they’re humping each other. It works perfectly because the first reindeer always has his head down like he’s pulling the sleigh. Then, you prop the second one up behind him and it looks like a perfect reverse reindeer humping position.

Then, the amazing part happens, which is enough to brighten even the most depressed person’s day. You have to drive about a mile down the road. Then, you turn around and pretend like you don’t know what you just did and observe the house from an outsider’s perspective. And it all it’s glorious magnitude are two reindeers grinding right in the middle of a wonderful Christmas scene. There’s nothing better. You know some old guy gets up for work at 6:30 in the morning, walks outside and laughs his ass of at the site of his reindeer making passionate love.

Now that you understand the objective, let me tell you the story. Friend and I aren’t old but we’re also not as young as we used to be. But we made a promise early in this business to never lose the kid in us. So, we make it a yearly tradition to make all the reindeers hump and it’s much more fun in Beverly Hills than in Kentucky. The only difference is you have to climb a lot more gates here. So a couple of years ago Friend and I went on our journey.

When you are a media mogul you are always going to have competition and we are no different. The head of another prestigious studio in town is always trying to one up us in everything we do, and we had our assistants scope out his place. We found out that he had the most wonderful reindeer scene in Los Angeles, and we decided to make it one big orgy. Normally, we take the assistants out and make them do the dirty work but this one involved our own sweat and blood. So, we packed up Friend’s Hummer that I gave him and packed hedge clippers, string, duct tape, night vision goggles, and dressed to the nines in our all black gear.

The assistant pulls up and Friend I jump out of the car. We have an elaborate plan to scale the fence and Friend is going to start clipping the wires that separate the reindeers while I start applying the string to hold them together. I get stuck on the damn fence and Friend has to pull me over. We get the reindeers separated and we finally get them set up in orgy position. We are both laughing our asses off and we really should have left at this point, but we were thirsty for blood. We wanted more, and that’s when I made the biggest mistake of the night. I pulled out my Sharpie Mini.

The Sharpie Mini is for emergencies only, and I only use it when I need to write out loud. And this was definitely a situation that called for it because I was about to draw the most elaborate penis of all time on the inflatable snowman. I draw a perfect penis in shape and form and once again I should have been satisfied, but I had to draw the veins. The damn veins. Why do I have to be a perfectionist and have to draw a realistic penis and not just leave it as a cartoonish symbol. As I’m crafting the veins the house alarm goes off and th front door swings open and the studio head runs out the door. He catches Friend trying to scale the fence and me completing my masterpiece snowman penis.

It was an uncomfortable conversation to say the least, and we all had a big laugh about it afterwards. I bought him a whole new Christmas set for his front yard. That shit is expensive and I feel like I own a piece of his front yard, and since it is my decoration set Friend and I are going out this weekend to set the orgy up again. Only this time there won’t be any hitches in the plan.

LD

Christmas is Coming

I’m a big fan of Christmas. Apart from the fact that it is the creator of the world’s birthday, I also love Christmas spirit. When my wife and I were dating we went to NYC for a couple times around Christmas and I vowed that when I could afford it I would go to NYC every year before Christmas to get in the spirit and for the last ten years that’s exactly what I have done.

We pack up the little one and take a plane to NYC. I bought a small Condo in the East Village about four years ago and it’s really starting to feel like home. Don’t get me wrong, I love Los Angeles. This is my home, but there’s something about NYC that refuels me. I love seeing my doorman on the way out of the building and walking down the local market to grab a coffee. I love walking the streets and wondering who has walked there before. I love looking at the tourists and seeing their eyes when they walk into Time’s Square for the first time.

We do most of our Christmas shopping in NYC and have the presents shipped back to Brentwood so we don’t have to take them on the plane. I try to go out to NYC at least once a month because the condo is so much easier to manage. All you have to do is walk around the toy stores and see the tree in Rockefeller Center to get in the Christmas spirit.

Last Christmas I bought a new television for our living room. I had a large flat screen and I decided to buy a different one to match a new color scheme my wife was doing in the room. I usually just move the television that I’m not suing anymore into a different room, but I’ve got so many televisions now that it’s really just useless. Between the screening room and other rooms in the house, it’s really just useless.

So I decided last year that I would give the television to someone who could use it. My wife and I looked for a new couple just starting their lives but we really couldn’t find a nice match so I decided to drive to a random house on Christmas night and put the television up for someone. I always wanted to feel like those people on Publisher’s Clearing House so I picked up Friend and we made the drive to a lower income neighborhood.

We drove around for two hours looking for the perfect house. I get out of the car and knock on the door waiting for the perfect Hallmark moment. A man answers the door with a holding a gun in his right hand. I tell him that I mean no trouble and that I am not in fact a cop. I tell him about the television and the thinks it’s some kind of joke. Then, he proceed to tell me that I stole the television and my Range Rover. I insisted that I really wanted him to have it and I was trying to do a nice thing but he kept insulting me.

So, I had Friend follow me to the car and we got the tv and gave it to his neighbor. I hope he never invites that dumbass over to watch tv. People should realize true charity and not question everything all the time. If so you might just end up with a nice television and not envy for your neighbor.

LD