Casting

The things that came out of their mouths when auditioning for the
prostitution role made me sick. When Friend and I were contemplating this Olsen thing, it started off as a joke. We were settled on Scarlett Johansson and finally we were like, Scarlett is in every movie that requires a young woman to play a serious part. And she's a great actress but I can't ever take her seriously because she's sporting an e-cup, and the whole time she's trying to make me believe in her character, all I can do is stare at her hooters just trying to imagine how huge they can possibly be and why the other actors on set aren't constantly asking if they can see and/or feel her boobs.

So we're contemplating young actresses to throw in the young
prostitute role, and he suggests the Olsen twins because if one of
them pulls a Lily Tomlin on the set, we'll fire her and hire the
other. That's the last I heard of it, but I show up at the studio
today and they're both sitting in the lobby. They both spring to
their feet and start telling me how much they love the script and the
role.

Mary-Kate blew Ashley away, and we really didn't know what to do. I
finally got up the courage to tell Ashley that she wasn't getting the
role, and it turns out I was talking to Mary Kate. I kept confusing
them, so I hatched this plan that I thought was brilliant. I told my
assistant to spill his Jamba Juice on Mary Kate so I could tell them apart.

I was able to tell them apart especially when Mary Kate told me that
she would never work with our studio again and that she told her
sister Ashley that I said she was a shitty actress. In situations
like this I really wish I could keep my mouth shut, but it doesn't
look like it's happening anytime soon. I told her that I would
blacklist her all over town, that she and Ashley's best gig in the
coming years would be a doublemint commercial, and that even Uncle
Jessie couldn't get her out of this mess. Back to the drawing board.

LD

And Twins

I had my assistant set me up a lunch with the Olsen Twins. I was in the mood for sushi. I started the conversation with the twins by saying, “Listen, I’m going to win one of you an Oscar. I don’t care which one of you it is, just decide later and let me know.” This town can get upset with me if they want, but I am sick of them both showing up on set to play one character. They split the scenes, do half the work, and take home twice the money. Fuck that. I’m ready to do a movie that breaks up the monotony of a single fertilized egg splitting into two.

They didn’t act like it during the lunch, but I have a feeling that they are both secretly jazzed about the opportunity to escape their all of the sudden not so interesting lives. They’re twins, we get it…and now were over it. They have to be sick of doing movies together anyways. How old would it get to continue hearing different variations of this pitch: “Ok, you two play twin sisters on the cheerleading squad and you have both fallen for the captain of the football team and he cant tell you apart and… NEXT!

I really hope that one of them just isn’t in the mood for signing contracts this week. I’d hate to have to audition them both for the same part. How awkward would that be? It’s not like I can tell Mary-Kate that she didn’t have the look I was going for, she competed against an exact replica. Personally, I like the ring “Ashley Olsen” has to it better, but it’s unfair for me to take that kind of bias just because I know they will call out her name in the Kodak Theater come February. I guess it would be more diplomatic to just flip a coin.

AJ