Turkeys on Strike

So, I got one decent call over the Thanksgiving Holiday that an actor was seriously considering our offer but other than that the phone was pretty cold. We had one A-lister drop our project over the weekend due to script concerns. Apparently he or she thought that with the strike still ongoing the script wasn’t going to turn out the way that it was originally planned.

Back in the good old days, you could sign an actor to a five year deal and pay them 60 grand a year. They were basically puppets that did whatever you wanted. Today you have to throw anything you can at an actor before you can get them to sign on to your film. To get an A-lister you have to give them their 20 mil, backend profit participation, a huge trailer, the producer credit, the power to veto casting, a hundred other perks, and of course script supervision authority. That last one is usually just boilerplate that stays in the contract for no other reason to just say it.

It’s like one of those dick moves where you say that you’ll pay for the tickets and they actually accept your offer. You don’t drop out of a movie over script concerns especially during a damn writer’s strike. We told the actor that we were willing to do anything to complete the movie and match up the script to their approval. That wasn’t good enough and we’re back to the drawing board.

After a big time actor drops out, the studio always threatens to sue, but with at least the top ten actors in town the studio wouldn’t dare pursue any litigation. They want to work with these people again, and if they sue them for damages they are definitely not going to get them on another film. If they pursue something like specific performance the judge might order the actor to follow through the contract as formed, but do you really think the actor is going to give you a killer performance after they have been ordered by a court to act? No, they are going to turn into on onset diva that you don’t want to have anything to do with.

I thought about taking on the role myself, but I really just don’t have the time anymore. I used to cast myself in some of the comedies I wrote a few years back, and I had a great time especially when Friend was directing. Anymore, it’s just not worth it because they have to plan a whole project around me because of my schedule. When I first entered this business out of law school I used to wonder if the producers that I worked for were just acting busy to look more powerful.

I’ve learned that the truth is that they are really that busy. Agents get their secretaries to dial random numbers and they just shoot the shit to remain in you conscience mind. Every other call is some type of problem. An actor doesn’t think that they are being treated fairly or a director feels that his artistic expression is being altered by the studio’s bottom line. Starting tomorrow, I will be on the phone all day whoring out the project to the next big actor down the list. We’ll tell him that the other actor left because he wasn’t right for the role and that they were not our original first choice. Hollywood…it’s a web of lies.
LD

Lightning Strike

You want to talk Industry? Current industry? Then we have to talk about the strike. I don’t want to, but that’s all there is. Friend already posted about the strike a few times, but that was weeks ago. Things have moved forward since then with some serious progress. And of course by that, I really mean that no headway has been made what so ever. I have yet to see any budging from either side. There is a reason for this: Everyone in Hollywood wants to prove how badass they are. Or at least show who has the most important job. I would love to take this argument back and forth with the whole “Which came first? The Chicken or the Egg” thing, but seriously…come on. The writers hold all the weight. If you disagree, you’re a dumbass.

For all the people in this town that have more than enough money to hold them over, the strike is nothing more to them than a vacation. That’s why most of the high-end actors, and talk show hosts are all in support for this thing. They don’t care. I wouldn’t either if were them. I would be on an exotic island somewhere lying on the beach until I got a phone call. If it lasted 22 weeks like it did last time, then so be it. I would come back with a hell of a tan. I can’t wait until the talk shows come back on. It will be like in elementary school when you go back to class after Christmas break and cant wait to tell everyone what presents you got. Only now it will be a ton of B-list actors telling all of America how they spent their time while the writers were striking. “Well, since I couldn’t act, I bought a hovercraft and road it all the way up the pacific coast and became one with the seagulls.”

It’s not the actors I’m worried about; it’s the production crews. They are taking a really hard hit, and I feed badly for the people loosing their jobs over this just so to make other people feel bad for going on strike. Even more so, I feel for the kids that moved all the way out the LA in hopes of pursuing their dreams of working in the film industry and arriving to find nothing more than a bunch of pissed off writers and empty sets. The people that are already working the jobs that these kids seek, are getting fired, so there is no way in hell they are going to hire anyone else right now. And when this thing finally blows over, there are going to be twice as many people looking for the same amount of jobs. It sucks, it really does…. I would hire them all myself, but I would have to make pay cuts, and that would probably make my already existing employees go on a strike of their own. Damn those writers and their ability to think of everything!

AJ

Passing Time

With all the movies at the studio on hold because of the pending strike, Friend and I have had to find other ways to spend our time. We love movies and television but even your passion can start to ware you down after a while. So we’ve resorted to a game that we’ve spent much time on while planning our Hollywood empire.

This game is simple in theory, but much harder to enact. To play the game you need two mouths and bag full of marshmallows. If you must, you can only use two marshmallows, but this will greatly shorten the game in the long run due to extenuating factors. Now, just like in tennis, you need to get a few practice runs in.

You take the marshmallow and toss it into your friend’s mouth. You can start with a few direct throws, but you really need to get a few tosses off to the side and down low to get warmed up. This will prove to be beneficial down the road once the game goes into full effect. Remember, the way to catch a marshmallow is to always go backwards with the marshmallow. Don’t stab at it unless in the rare situation that you have to dive.

Now, once you’ve got a ninety percent completion rate or better you’re ready to play the game. First, Friend will toss one my way and I’ll toss one his way at the same time. This requires great eye mouth coordination. Next, you want to try behind the back and between the legs once you’ve mastered the first technique. If you trust your friend’s hygiene, try spitting from one mouth across the room into the other. Finally, you have to integrate the walls and ceilings for a more unpredictable effect.

Whether you choose to eat the marshmallows that land in your mouth is really up to you. I can’t advise you there other than to say that it will ruin smores for the rest of your life if you eat all the ones you catch. This is especially true if you catch like I can.

Since Friend and I were both in the same fraternity, we like to treat our assistants like pledges. So we made them all go get three bags of marshmallows. Then, they stand against the wall with their mouths open. We tell them that they have to catch at least five marshmallows to keep their jobs, and then we rapid fire them. If things keep going at this rate we’ll have to hire a whole new staff. Sorry for the Hollywoodless post, but with the way this strike is going, my next post will be about the time Friend taught me how to juggle.

LD

WGA Strikes Again...I'm having way too much fun with the puns on "Strike"

I rolled into the studios past the picketers again today. It’s kind of annoying to drive around them but is spices up the day a bit. I thought about having one of my assistants set up a cappuccino stand next to them to earn the studio a little more revenue but decided against it. We have to keep up our relationship with these people because they keep the business running. We send food and drinks out all day long and keep feeding them all the Hollywood Trades so they can keep up on the non-business that’s going on in the business right now.

I truly feel that we are the only studio actually doing any work now. I heard Paramount and some of the others were doing some housekeeping chores to keep busy. You know just the old magic Hollywood accountant cooking the books to try and figure out how they can lower back profits off of streaming online content more once the strike ends. I’ve always been of the school of thought that if someone makes you money you better damn well pay them what they deserve.

We were the first studio to start streaming our content online. We saw the digital age coming before Steve Jobs did. That was a joke, Steve. You know what’s sweet about being rich? Apple personally made me a computer where the studios name lights upon the back like the Apple does. I tried to get them to do one with my penis but they said that it looked too much like the twig of the apple so we just left it at that.

I would like to take a quick second to address the irony of extremely rich writers holding up three dollar picket signs attached to popsicle sticks. Now, I know that not every writer in Hollywood is rich, and many of the poorer ones are out there picketing to get the guys that keep taking their jobs more money. But I counted five people I’ve written checks out to that contain quite a few zeros. We have eight people in front of the studio in options deals right now. You wouldn’t believe the number of calls I’ve received from writers who picket in the day and want to keep their writing project going at night. Disloyal bastards. I’m not that much of a dick to make them do that. Well…….I’m not going to give a response to that.

LD

WGA Strike 3

I’m not going to put my two cents into the strike because that’s been done a million times before. Everyone has something to say that is going to cure it and/or keep it going. The strike is old news, and we really don’t care about it anymore. I’ll tell you this…without writers Hollywood is nothing. Writers are the architects of the system and without them the house is going to fall constantly.

I’m a member of the WGA and have been for over fifteen years. Where does that leave me? I’m a studio head who occasionally needs to put a script out to the public. Do I need the WGA to advocate for me in a confrontation? No. I’ve got an in house legal team to do that sort of thing for me. I’m licensed by the California Bar. I pay my dues every year. So why am I a member of the WGA? To show support.

Do I buy into the whole don’t prolong this strike by not going around the system? No I don’t. Studio X keeps going because we will it to keep going. We’ve got rooms in the studio filled with scripts that are just waiting to get made. Do you not think that every underling assistant in the building wants to be a writer? You’re damn straight they do, and I’ll bet that if we put ten of them together they can probably come up with an idea to make the script work if we shoot in Vegas instead of Columbia.

I know what it’s like to be a starving writer, and I know what it’s like to be a rich producer. And I know what it’s like to be a mega-rich studio head. At the end of the day we all work together for a common goal. They have to get what they want, and I’ll lend my full support but the show must go on. I’m not going to shut down our television wing just because writers want royalties on dvd sales. Should they get them? Absolutely.

To be honest with you, I have no idea why I’m even writing this now. I have to write eight new television shows right after I revoke my WGA membership. I’ll join back up after the fray if they’ll have me. Don’t worry. They’ll take me back because they want their writers to have jobs when the strike is over.