Playing in the Jungle

Today one of my old fraternity brothers, Jimmy, brought his kid to the studio. Friend and I were in the same fraternity in college. He was actually my little brother as homosexual as it sounds. We gave him the inside tour and Friend had to run off in the middle of the tour because he had to tend to business so I took my Jimmy around the place and we went back to my office. We started talking about fraternity parties and the state of the business now and his kid made his way into friend’s office.

I went in his office to check on them to make sure the kid wasn’t driving him nuts and Friend was reading a script while the kid was playing some stupid game on his computer. Friend has this huge screen that hangs on his wall that serves as a computer screen while in the office. The kid was playing this stupid game where the abominable snowman hits a penguin like a golf ball with a flamingo golf club. Friend kind of rolled his eyes and I went back to my office.

Jimmy left the studio and we hooked him up with some t-shirts and dvds for the road. I sit down in my office waiting to see some of the first scenes from the prostitution movie when I hear this cartoonish voice coming from friends room. I try to focus on the cuts from the movie but I keep hearing something from Friend’s office. I walk in and he’s playing this dumbass game that Jimmy’s kid was playing. It’s called Yeti Sports Flamingo Drive. You can find it here.

Friend was cursing at his computer the way someone would at a horserace where they had bet millions. I kept overhearing him cursing at snakes and yelling, “Damn bird.” I ask him if he’s going to do any work today and he says that he has a meeting with Topher Grace at 3 but until then he’s going to set a new high score. He calls me a pussy bitch and says that I can’t beat his score of 4,812.

I love a challenge so I paused the prostitution movie and I’ve been playing the game ever since. The ape whistles for the flamingo and the flamingo turns into a makeshift golf club. He hits the penguin which represents the golf ball and he flies through the air and luckily hits a snake which propels him forward. You don’t want to hit a fucking giraffe because that sucks. Go under the giraffe and stay away from the elephants. The bottom panoramic screen gives you a view of what’s ahead and you need to use that to your advantage.

Before, I knew it the whole office is competing at this game and no one is doing anything. We all through twenty bucks in a pot and the high score at the end of the day took home the crown. You had to take a screen capture which is shift, apple, and 3. Then you had to post it to the server and Friend would award the winner in his office. I’m plugging away at the game trying to break the score. I finally get 4,834 and I walk into Friend’s office to see Topher Grace on Friend’s Macbook Pro and Ashton Kutcher on his other computer. My assistant (yes the one with the boobs) took home the crown and won $980. Well, time to get back to the game.

LD

Here is an example of a weak performance:

Myspace: No Thanks

I don’t have a myspace page. I know a lot of celebrities do. I don’t.

I can't. Not that I’m banned or anything like that, I just can’t allow myself to have a page. One time back when I was a lot more un-famous than I am now, I played around on myspace using a friend’s account. Before I knew it, six hours had fallen off the clock. Yeah, I had just spent six hours playing one stupid webpage. I spent most of the time trying to locate famous people on there, and another small portion of that time trying to decide if it was really them or some made up bullshit. The ones that are real will say: “This is the Official Myspace page of Paris Hilton” or whoever. Which is great, cause you can actually be friends with these famous people….through myspace. I found that almost everyone I was looking for was on there: bands, comedians, actors, filmmakers… you name it. They are on all myspace.

Then once you have “friends,” you can pick your top eight friends, and display them on your page. Basically saying: “I like these people more than you.” That’s just too much pressure for me. I couldn’t pick eight.

I was talking to a B-lister the other day, and he said that the thing he loved most about myspace was that it allowed him to feel closer to his fans. He believes that with myspace around, Fan Mail has nearly fallen off the face of the earth. Instead of writing letters like back in the good ole’ days, fans will just write compliments on their page. He can get back to them a lot faster through the site, and save money on postage. He made some good points, but I think they were more of excuses to why he wasn’t a big enough star to get real fan mail.

It is still surprising to me when I go to someone’s website looking for information, and all I find is a link to their Myspace page. I just wanted to see when you were playing a show in Los Angeles, now I have to listen your music, watch your videos, read your blog, and check out all your top friends. Fuck. I’m going get lost on this site for another six hours.

I will leave you with a list of some famous people I found on myspace that I did not expect to have an account:


Eminem – http://www.myspace.com/eminem

Jenna Jameson - http://www.myspace.com/jennajameson

Jon Favreau - http://www.myspace.com/jonfavreau

Lyle Lovett - http://myspace.com/lylelovett

Leonardo Dicaprio - http://myspace.com/leonardodicaprio

David Beckham - http://www.myspace.com/davidbeckham

Madonna - http://www.myspace.com/madonna

Marilyn Manson - http://www.myspace.com/marilynmanson

Tom Hanks - http://www.myspace.com/tomhanks

Willie Nelson - http://www.myspace.com/willienelson



Feel free to drop a comment with other unique celeb myspace findings.


AJ

Christmas is Coming

I’m a big fan of Christmas. Apart from the fact that it is the creator of the world’s birthday, I also love Christmas spirit. When my wife and I were dating we went to NYC for a couple times around Christmas and I vowed that when I could afford it I would go to NYC every year before Christmas to get in the spirit and for the last ten years that’s exactly what I have done.

We pack up the little one and take a plane to NYC. I bought a small Condo in the East Village about four years ago and it’s really starting to feel like home. Don’t get me wrong, I love Los Angeles. This is my home, but there’s something about NYC that refuels me. I love seeing my doorman on the way out of the building and walking down the local market to grab a coffee. I love walking the streets and wondering who has walked there before. I love looking at the tourists and seeing their eyes when they walk into Time’s Square for the first time.

We do most of our Christmas shopping in NYC and have the presents shipped back to Brentwood so we don’t have to take them on the plane. I try to go out to NYC at least once a month because the condo is so much easier to manage. All you have to do is walk around the toy stores and see the tree in Rockefeller Center to get in the Christmas spirit.

Last Christmas I bought a new television for our living room. I had a large flat screen and I decided to buy a different one to match a new color scheme my wife was doing in the room. I usually just move the television that I’m not suing anymore into a different room, but I’ve got so many televisions now that it’s really just useless. Between the screening room and other rooms in the house, it’s really just useless.

So I decided last year that I would give the television to someone who could use it. My wife and I looked for a new couple just starting their lives but we really couldn’t find a nice match so I decided to drive to a random house on Christmas night and put the television up for someone. I always wanted to feel like those people on Publisher’s Clearing House so I picked up Friend and we made the drive to a lower income neighborhood.

We drove around for two hours looking for the perfect house. I get out of the car and knock on the door waiting for the perfect Hallmark moment. A man answers the door with a holding a gun in his right hand. I tell him that I mean no trouble and that I am not in fact a cop. I tell him about the television and the thinks it’s some kind of joke. Then, he proceed to tell me that I stole the television and my Range Rover. I insisted that I really wanted him to have it and I was trying to do a nice thing but he kept insulting me.

So, I had Friend follow me to the car and we got the tv and gave it to his neighbor. I hope he never invites that dumbass over to watch tv. People should realize true charity and not question everything all the time. If so you might just end up with a nice television and not envy for your neighbor.

LD

At Home Entertainment

Friend is far more into Television than I am, but I do have a few shows I watch on a regular basis. I used to be more into TV when I was younger and had no life. Then, I could schedule my “life” around the shows I liked watching. Now, I am way too busy to even remember what days of the week the shows I like come on. I high five the very idea of being able to watch any TV show online whenever I want. Tivo is great… I think. I got it back when it first came out, and still haven’t learned how to use it. It can’t be that hard, my parents can use it… and they’re old. The truth is I never really watch TV at home. I have a screening room that damn near puts the Arclight to shame, and I really use it only for films. I rely on my down time at the office to catch up on the TV shows. This is where that Internet awesomeness I was referring to earlier comes into play.

As far as the shows I like to watch are concerned, this is the first week for me that the strike has actually had an effect. I was bitch slapped with reruns all week. I was wondering when it was going to happen, and I guess now is the time. It will be different for each show I’m sure. But when all my shows are on reruns I will become very unhappy. So far I have lost “The Office,” “Big Shots,” and “My Name is Earl.” I still have “House” which is my favorite of all of them, but I have a feeling it will be out of pre-strike stock episodes really soon.

I guess we’ll see. Friend will probably post more about the strike tomorrow, because he has been keeping up with it more on a business level, and they are supposed to be squashing that shit within the week. I have just tried to care as little as possible. I would prefer “House” to not go to reruns, but I really wont become as upset I said earlier. I lied. I’m a pussy and an only child. I have spent my entire life entertaining myself. I don’t need a television program to fill my down time. I can always resort to the things I did when I was kid to fill the void left by my lack of a brother or sister. I might even get a camera crew in here and try to sell it as a reality show. Who wouldn’t want to watch the head of a major studio build a house of cards, while juggling and solving a Rubix Cube at the same time?

AJ

Turkeys on Strike

So, I got one decent call over the Thanksgiving Holiday that an actor was seriously considering our offer but other than that the phone was pretty cold. We had one A-lister drop our project over the weekend due to script concerns. Apparently he or she thought that with the strike still ongoing the script wasn’t going to turn out the way that it was originally planned.

Back in the good old days, you could sign an actor to a five year deal and pay them 60 grand a year. They were basically puppets that did whatever you wanted. Today you have to throw anything you can at an actor before you can get them to sign on to your film. To get an A-lister you have to give them their 20 mil, backend profit participation, a huge trailer, the producer credit, the power to veto casting, a hundred other perks, and of course script supervision authority. That last one is usually just boilerplate that stays in the contract for no other reason to just say it.

It’s like one of those dick moves where you say that you’ll pay for the tickets and they actually accept your offer. You don’t drop out of a movie over script concerns especially during a damn writer’s strike. We told the actor that we were willing to do anything to complete the movie and match up the script to their approval. That wasn’t good enough and we’re back to the drawing board.

After a big time actor drops out, the studio always threatens to sue, but with at least the top ten actors in town the studio wouldn’t dare pursue any litigation. They want to work with these people again, and if they sue them for damages they are definitely not going to get them on another film. If they pursue something like specific performance the judge might order the actor to follow through the contract as formed, but do you really think the actor is going to give you a killer performance after they have been ordered by a court to act? No, they are going to turn into on onset diva that you don’t want to have anything to do with.

I thought about taking on the role myself, but I really just don’t have the time anymore. I used to cast myself in some of the comedies I wrote a few years back, and I had a great time especially when Friend was directing. Anymore, it’s just not worth it because they have to plan a whole project around me because of my schedule. When I first entered this business out of law school I used to wonder if the producers that I worked for were just acting busy to look more powerful.

I’ve learned that the truth is that they are really that busy. Agents get their secretaries to dial random numbers and they just shoot the shit to remain in you conscience mind. Every other call is some type of problem. An actor doesn’t think that they are being treated fairly or a director feels that his artistic expression is being altered by the studio’s bottom line. Starting tomorrow, I will be on the phone all day whoring out the project to the next big actor down the list. We’ll tell him that the other actor left because he wasn’t right for the role and that they were not our original first choice. Hollywood…it’s a web of lies.
LD

Southland Tales

When Friend and I started doing this blog, I never wanted it to be an avenue for Movie Reviews. Even though movies are our lives, I didn’t want to be someone else you came to for opinions of movies. I see everything I can get my eyes on, and that’s what I want to continue to recommend to our readers: See movies.

I saw a movie yesterday that was worth talking about: “Southland Tales.” This is the closest thing to a movie review you are ever going to get out of me. It probably won’t happen again, but like I said, this one is just worth it.

I read reviews from time to time. And I know that they always start with a short plot outline. This is going to be tough for me, since this particular film did not have one. This is a movie where so many things are going on at once, it’s impossible to follow the plot much less care about it. Same with all of the characters; you cant relate to any of their situations, so it makes it rough to care for them. This movie was just scene after scene after scene of pure chaotic randomness. Entertaining? Yes, but hard for me to attempt giving you any kind of a synopsis what so ever. So, I’m just going to share with you a plot-less recap of some things that went on, and maybe you can piece it together yourself.

Ok. The Rock plays a former military vet who is now an actor. His girlfriend is a porn star played by Sarah Michelle Geller, who is very hot in this movie. (SMG fans: buy a ticket, you will not be disappointed.) Her character hosts a show on TV much like “The View” minus the older women plus three other porn stars who talk with each other about how hard they like to get fucked. She wants to capitalize on her porn stardom by putting out a clothing line, CD, energy drink, and all that other shit. Her and The Rock have put their heads together to write a screenplay describing how the world ends. Justin Timberlake spends the entire movie hanging out at the Santa Monica Pier. He walks around the arcade lip-singing The Killer’s songs while a bunch of white-haired nurses dance on the ski-ball machines. Two SUV’s have sex with each other much like Elephants would. Sean William Scott plays a cop that agrees to let The Rock follow him around on duty to research his future role in the screenplay he co-wrote. The Rock’s amnesia or schizophrenia kicks in when he witnesses a murder on this venture. Cheri Oteri rollerblades around Venice Beach wearing a blue mesh bra on the outside of her shirt. The Rock’s wife is played by innocent little Mandy Moore, who says “Fuck,” “Cock,” and “Shit” all the same sentence. Her dad is a leader of some Political Party. There are midgets. In 2008, people wear futuristic see-through rain jackets as shirts. There is a party on a blimp. There is a time travel device that sends a clone of you back in time. If you meet your clone, you can open a deminsional portal but shaking their hand. If this takes place inside of an Ice cream truck, it will levitate up in the sky, high above the Staples Center. The Rock can’t decide if he is really himself or the character he plays in his movie. This is triggered by a lady on the beach who tells the rock she is going to shoot herself in the head if he doesn’t let her suck his dick right there. There are tons of other cameos (my favorite from Kevin Smith) and that’s pretty much it for the movie. Oh, I think the world ends, but I’m still not sure on that one. I might have left a few things out, but trust me; they wouldn’t make the plot anymore digestible.

When I first heard about this movie I was pumped. It had a big named cast and was written and directed by Richard Kelly, the man responsible for my favorite movie: Donnie Darko. I still have yet to meet Kelly, but after seeing this film I don’t think I want to. Not just because this movie didn’t meet my expectations, but because he now stands for everything I am against in filmmaking. He doesn’t give enough of a shit about his audience to allow the movie to make any sense what so ever. I’m sure it made sense in his eyes, but that is selfish filmmaking. Let us in on the story too. I know he also doesn’t care if anyone liked it, or if Roger Ebert gave him a horrible review, or even if after a week at the box office it has made less than $150,000. He is defending his vision and boldly standing up for artistic expression, which is sometimes honorable… But in this case it’s just filmmaking in its laziest form.

*** I didn’t write any of this to keep you from seeing this Film. That’s why I don’t like reviews. Go see the movie if you want to see it. Just hurry, because it won’t be in theatres for very long.

AJ

It Never Stops Ringing

Thanksgiving comes once a year but the phone never stops. I couldn’t imagine how this business was run without cell phones. My direct cell phone number goes out to very few people. When my phone rings, it’s either Friend telling me the status of one of the movies on our roster, one of my old law school buddies calling to make fun of me, an old fraternity brother with an update, someone extremely important that my assistant gave my number out to, my assistant calling to ask if a person is important enough to give my number out, or someone calling with the best news I’ve heard that day. My assistant gets to decide if something qualifies as the best news that I’ve heard that day, and then she gives my number out. If something comes along later in the day that is even better news and she’s already given my number out then she’s fired. I’m kidding.

So, if my cell phone rings, it’s probably always important enough to answer it. I’ve got another cell phone that is not always important enough to answer. Those calls come from people at the studio and other people around town. It always comes in second if both phones are ringing at once, and believe me…it happens. Thanksgiving is work day for me just like any other. I keep my phone in my pocket because it never goes on my belt.

The other phone sits it my jacket pocket because it can be left behind if by some reason I have to flee my jacket. Every number I own is in that phone which sinks up to my Macbook Pro. Someone trying to make it in the business would give their life for that phone directory. Last Thanksgiving, I got the call that Johnny Depp had signed on to the “based on a book” movie. We gave him the script one week before hand and made the offer two days before Thanksgiving. He talked it over with his family and called me personally to accept the offer. This Thanksgiving is no different because we’ve got three pending offers out that are waiting to be accepted. Steve Carell has been offered a part in a new comedy we’ve got coming up. Seth Rogan has been offered a part as a supporting actor in a new Sci-Fi comedy the studio is working on, and we’re in talks with Zach Braff to direct a dramedy that’s set to begin production next fall.

Three for three would make a nice Holiday. So would an ending to the damn strike that’s got this town in a frenzy. Although, it has given me some time to make repairs around the house. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone, and I hope your holiday is as great as mine could possibly be. I just hope my pocket vibrates tomorrow.

LD

Almost Thanksgiving...

Oh yeah! Thanksgiving is nearing. Like tomorrow. It actually kind of snuck up on me again. I say “again” because it always does. In Los Angeles the weather doesn’t give out any hints that the holidays are on their way. This city is located in one of seven small Mediterranean Climate locations in the entire world. Weather pretty much stays the same all the time. When I first moved out here, I wasn’t used to it at all. I completely missed Thanksgiving that year, and almost missed Christmas too. Back where I’m from, I would know it was time for the holidays because of the season cues: leaves changing colors, cooler temperatures, and ultimately snow on the ground. I thought I would get used to not having those reminders, but every year it’s the same surprise. This year I was reminded of the holiday from shit loads of junk email that came telling me about all the different “Day After Thanksgiving Sales.”

You couldn’t pay me to get out in the middle of that shit. The traffic, the lines, the parking… it’s hell on earth. “But, it’s the biggest shopping day of the year.” I know. That’s why I’m staying home. Not just because I’m rich, but because I am smart. I avoided this day even back when I was poor. People turn ridiculously mad when the idea of saving money enters their heads. They go crazy. They camp outside of stores the night before, just so they can wait in line for another 3 hours to save $45 on a no-name brand piece of shit 15” Flat Screen TV. It’s not even HD, who cares if it’s a hundred and thirty bucks; you’re going to have to throw it away in a year.

Wow, then there are the Cell Phone commercials on TV. All the major players in the cell phone game are pushing their new phone: Samsung, Verizon, Motorolla, T-moble. It doesn’t matter. Just stop. Seriously….Stop. Save your money on advertising. Use that money to come up with a new product all together. The cell phone gig is up. Why in the hell would anyone buy your new cellular when they can buy an iPhone? Have you seen that thing? Yeah, there is nothing you can create that will compete with it. It doesn’t matter how small you make it, how you arrange the buttons, or even what colors it comes in. I don’t want it. Other people may argue that Apple still has their fair share of commercials out there for the iPhone. It’s true, they do, and they suck as well. It show’s all its features, its sleek design, and its user-friendliness. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great, but all they need to say on the commercial is:

iPhone. If you’re seriously thinking about buying a phone other than this one… you are a fucking idiot.

AJ

Unsolicted and Unwanted

When Friend and I opened our first production company, we were struggling just like any new business. We had a little bit of cash saved up from our script sale, but we really didn’t have the money to get any extras. We had to pick where to spend our money and where not to. We rented a small space on Wilshire and we followed the motto that your office is in your head.

That’s why we constantly went to the talent instead of them coming to us. We spent all of our money on nice suits and fancy leased cars. Friend and I don’t believe in the whole producers and directors dress like shit theory. We treated our image the way that agents do and sold ourselves to ever person that came through our doors. As the money slowly started coming in, we started doing maintenance in the office to make the conference room look better. After much work, we had a kick ass conference room and lobby. Our personal offices looked like something out of the projects, but we knew that we could avoid anyone ever going in there. In the beginning we had friends come in and pose as secretaries until we figured out this whole give college credit deal where you didn’t have to pay people to work for you. Amazing.

We had written our fair share of scripts but we needed more material to take to the studios. Friend and I were busy trying to get a production company off the ground and that greatly decreased any writing time that we had before. We were busy spending our last cents on nine dollar drinks at the bar and picking up the tab on drinks after work. So, we did what every young non investment-backed production company does. We took out an ad in the trades and on internet classified sites looking for new material. We were hoping to find some hot young writer that was undiscovered and putting out genius material. We learned our lesson. Below is the ad put in the paper and some of the material we received.

New start up production company looking for material to option and take to the studios. Only serious inquiries please.

Three dogs find there way through the depths of Africa all with celebrity voices such as Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.

Six men fall in love with the same gal all while trying to find a lost diamond at a water park.

A young man has a genie grant his wish to be older than he really is. (think I’ve heard this one before)

A guy and a girl fall in love in front of the moonlight but the kicker is that they are both gay.

A taxi cab driver becomes a Nascar Racer after his license is revoked.

Two chickens discover that their favorite food is…chicken. Voiced by celebrity voices such as Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise.

A pastor on the run must find a secret treasure while saving the world with his message.

A lawyer takes the bar exam, but it’s not really the bar exam. It’s the bartenders exam and then he gets embarrassed.

A weatherman has trouble predicting the weather after he gets caught in the weather.

A cow is exiled from his cow family after he discovers that he is gay. Voiced by celebrity actors such as Ellen or Elton John.

A dog is embarrassed after he learns that his tail is not actually his penis.

LD

Lightning Strike

You want to talk Industry? Current industry? Then we have to talk about the strike. I don’t want to, but that’s all there is. Friend already posted about the strike a few times, but that was weeks ago. Things have moved forward since then with some serious progress. And of course by that, I really mean that no headway has been made what so ever. I have yet to see any budging from either side. There is a reason for this: Everyone in Hollywood wants to prove how badass they are. Or at least show who has the most important job. I would love to take this argument back and forth with the whole “Which came first? The Chicken or the Egg” thing, but seriously…come on. The writers hold all the weight. If you disagree, you’re a dumbass.

For all the people in this town that have more than enough money to hold them over, the strike is nothing more to them than a vacation. That’s why most of the high-end actors, and talk show hosts are all in support for this thing. They don’t care. I wouldn’t either if were them. I would be on an exotic island somewhere lying on the beach until I got a phone call. If it lasted 22 weeks like it did last time, then so be it. I would come back with a hell of a tan. I can’t wait until the talk shows come back on. It will be like in elementary school when you go back to class after Christmas break and cant wait to tell everyone what presents you got. Only now it will be a ton of B-list actors telling all of America how they spent their time while the writers were striking. “Well, since I couldn’t act, I bought a hovercraft and road it all the way up the pacific coast and became one with the seagulls.”

It’s not the actors I’m worried about; it’s the production crews. They are taking a really hard hit, and I feed badly for the people loosing their jobs over this just so to make other people feel bad for going on strike. Even more so, I feel for the kids that moved all the way out the LA in hopes of pursuing their dreams of working in the film industry and arriving to find nothing more than a bunch of pissed off writers and empty sets. The people that are already working the jobs that these kids seek, are getting fired, so there is no way in hell they are going to hire anyone else right now. And when this thing finally blows over, there are going to be twice as many people looking for the same amount of jobs. It sucks, it really does…. I would hire them all myself, but I would have to make pay cuts, and that would probably make my already existing employees go on a strike of their own. Damn those writers and their ability to think of everything!

AJ

Panera Confrontation

The other day I stopped in at the Panera Bread over on Sepulveda to get a ham and swiss on ciabatta bread. It’s a rarity for me to get something different than that because that’s what I like and why should I get anything different. Rhetorical question. Every time I go to Panera there are always three people in front of me who look at the menu as if it was written in a foreign language. I do this little “scoot forward” thing to kind of show them that I already know what I want. Then, the first person finally decides what she wants and steps up to the plate.

That person looks dumbfounded once she realizes that she has an option between an apple, a small piece of bread, or chips. Is that really a choice? Who chooses an apple over chips? Chips? Wendy’s brags because they let you pick something besides fries with your combo. Who doesn’t want fries with their combo? Fries are the only reason that the fast food industry still exists.

First, let me say that I have never kicked anyone in the throat before. Never. The guy in front of me drops a quarter on the ground and walks away. That quarter is now abandoned property and open to the public domain. I don’t care around change in my pocket because I don’t work at a concession stand so if I see a quarter laying there, I think of the future benefit. It turns out that I needed twenty-three cents so I picked up the quarter off the ground.

The cashier smiles when I picked it up and we shared a chuckle together. I start to walk off and this guy comes back looking for his quarter. I guess he was so dehydrated that he had to get his drink before picking up the quarter on the first go round. He asks if anyone has seen the quarter and the cashier totally rats me out. The guy looks at me as if I had just beaten up a handicapped kid with a cane. Then, he resorts to call me an asshole in front of the restaurant.

So, he kind of gives me a quick smirk and walks back to the table to eat his food. I knew I could quickly embarrass this guy, but I also knew that I needed more than a snippy comeback. So, I went to a new cashier and told her to give me twenty dollars worth of change. I filled up a Panera Bread cup with it and proceeded to dump it all over the guy’s food. It was kind of a dick move but it contained so much irony.

Well, the guy follows me outside like we are going to fight in the parking lot or something. He starts mouthing off while his wife is standing behind him screaming. He comes up and takes a swing at me. Are you serious? Eighth grade? The missed swing made him fall to the ground, and it made me drop my iphone. He did this belly move where he dragged himself over to pick up the phone. I really don’t know what he had in mind after he got the phone in his hands, but before he could get it I kicked him in the throat.

LD

Organic Food.

Today, I met the girl of my dreams, acquired her number, and threw it away. That last one was on purpose. Yeah, I just summed up this entire post in the first sentence. That was wrong of me, and I apologize. I will rewind and play this thing out from the beginning. I just thought you might like to first see where this story is going before you commit to riding it out. Besides, some of my favorite movies are the ones that start out with the ending and work forward.

I got a call from one of my good friends who I have lunch with about once a week. I asked him about lunch plans for the day. He said his mother was in town, and would be coming along. I met them at a place called Leaf Cuisine: An organic, vegan, raw restaurant. My friend's mom only eats that kind of food, so we had to go along with it. I didn’t mind. When it comes to food, I will try anything once.

We were standing in line looking at this menu that might as well have been written in Japanese because I didn’t understand what any of it was. There were also no pictures anywhere in the joint, so I was pretty much out of luck anyway you looked at it. My friend was in the bathroom, and his mom was behind me in line on her cell phone. So, I tapped the girl ahead of me in line on the shoulder, and asked her if she had ever eaten this stuff before. My luck had just changed. Not only was she extremely beautiful, she was very knowledgeable of everything on the menu. She got really excited to tell me all about it too. On and on she went: “The hummus is amazing, and so is the Pad Thai, oh and I really like the Rawsagna. If this is your first time you might want to try the Mock Salmon or the Caesar Wrap.” I was far too busy observing how her already adorable face lit up even more when she was telling me about the food, that I missed most of her descriptions. It was her turn to order and I was next, so I looked back up to the menu for a recap. The only word I recognized was Caesar. I’ve had a few Caesar Salad’s in my day, I figured they couldn’t fuck that up too badly. The employee asked if I wanted it as a salad or a wrap. What? You’re going to put my salad inside a tortilla? Sure, why not.

Cute Girl got her organic food to go, so she just sat at the bar until her order was ready and headed out. I got a table for the three of us, and was waiting for the food. I noticed over by the bar that Cute Girl had left her bag on the floor. I grabbed it, and took off after her. She was already making her way back for it, and we met half way in the parking lot. I’m not sure if she was more excited to see her bag or me, because she jumped straight back into the weird food conversation. “How did you like your wrap?” I told her that my order hadn’t come up yet, but I was looking forward to trying something new. She went on to tell me about how she usually eats there 3-4 times a week, and gave me her number. She said if I was ever there again and wanted company, she would love to join me. Wow, what an amazing girl. Very pretty, forward, and cares about what she eats. I couldn't wait to find out more about her.

When I went back inside my food was waiting at the table: A bunch of small lettuce wrapped up inside of one big leaf of lettuce. No tortilla? I took one bite of it, sat it down and walked over to the trash can. Not just because I wanted to vomit, but to throw that lying bitch’s phone number away. There is no way in hell I could date a girl who would make me eat that shit 4 times a week.

AJ

Breaking In

I often get asked the age old question. How do I make it in Hollywood? That really depends on what you mean by making it and/or what you really want to do. I really can’t tell you how an actor makes it in the business or a director. The only way that I’ve personally seen people do well in those professions is to meet me. The only advice I can give is to tell people how I made it.

If you want anyone to give you anything you have to have something they want. I learned that after tons of letters and resumes went unanswered. I sent off scripts to studios and talent agencies. Some were returned unopened and most were probably tossed in the trashcan. I did everything I knew how to do to make my place in the business, but nothing ever really happened until I actually arrived in the city of angels.

Everyone is told that if you want to make it in Hollywood, naturally, you need to move to Hollywood. That’s true in theory, but the important thing to remember is that you have to plant your seed before you arrive. If you show up in this town with nothing, it’s like showing up to a golf game without any clubs. You need to have something that people want.

I knew that I could write screenplays, but I also knew that other people could as well. I knew that I was passionate about the business, but I also knew that other people were. That’s why I chose to go to law school. I needed something to set me apart from the competition. I needed a gimmick and law school gave me that edge. Sadly, the hardest thing about Hollywood is getting a foot in the door, and that’s what law school did for me. It put me in the same position as someone who grew up in Los Angeles with a powerful father. It got me in the door.

Once you are in the dance club you can meet ladies, and once you are in the business you can start to make things happen. I’d written a script that I knew could make waves, but I needed my foot in the door before anyone would take me seriously. I needed law school to get my foot in the door. Graduate school is not for everyone, but it can definitely give one an edge up if they need it. Some don’t. It can also be a huge waste of money if not used correctly. Your route is really up to you.

LD

Traff-Tastrophe

Hello Readers,

It’s the other Friend here with yet another Hollywoodless blog. Keep your heads up though, this Strike will end sooner or later, and when it does… I promise we will Hollywood the living shit out you. Yeah, and you didn’t even know that Hollywood could be used as a verb. It can.

Driving in LA isn’t as bad as everyone says. The people that talk about how horrible it is fall into 2 categories: 1. People that have never actually been here, and just go off what someone else says (that “someone” has probably also never been here) and 2. Asians.


If you’ve lived in LA your whole life, the traffic is no big deal. You’re used to it. It’s the people that move here from small towns that we have to worry about. They are the ones giving us the bad reputation. I moved here from a town with less than one hundred thousand people. I could get from my house to anywhere else in the city in less than 10 minutes. True Story. Once I got here, small trips took a bit longer. I adapted with no fuss because those “small trips” were to more exciting places than the ones back home. There, I could make it to the McDonalds and back home in about seven minutes. As record breaking as that may sound, I would much rather be here spending an extra twenty-five minutes driving to a place where I can eat top-notch sushi off a naked woman’s body.

I’m not going to give you any tips on driving in LA. There are none. The tips that everyone else gives out can be used when driving anywhere. Surely by now you’ve noticed that people with cars generally go to work and get off around the same times everyday. If you can’t stay off the freeways during those times, then you are a fucking idiot who deserves to sit in traffic. Feel free to curse as loud as you can while sitting there, I heard that helps speed things along.

There is a hand signal that is used when driving that I think we should all adopt. I use the hell out of it and I love when I see it being used be others. No, I didn’t invent the signal, but I did give it a name: “The Courtesy Wave” This move is done after someone in another lane allows you to merge over into his or her lane and get in front of them. When done properly, it is so beautiful. If, after signaling, you are granted the space to merge in front of the cooperating automobile, you go ahead and make your way over. Once there, raise your right hand up by the rearview mirror, and give off a little wave. A wave that says: “Thanks, because of your kindness, I will not miss my exit ramp.” ***Note: Do not use your left hand to give the Courtesy Wave, the car will not see it unless your window is down. And I doubt it is because “someone” also once said this city has a smog problem. It’s true, if you breathe it in… you will die.

AJ

Passing Time

With all the movies at the studio on hold because of the pending strike, Friend and I have had to find other ways to spend our time. We love movies and television but even your passion can start to ware you down after a while. So we’ve resorted to a game that we’ve spent much time on while planning our Hollywood empire.

This game is simple in theory, but much harder to enact. To play the game you need two mouths and bag full of marshmallows. If you must, you can only use two marshmallows, but this will greatly shorten the game in the long run due to extenuating factors. Now, just like in tennis, you need to get a few practice runs in.

You take the marshmallow and toss it into your friend’s mouth. You can start with a few direct throws, but you really need to get a few tosses off to the side and down low to get warmed up. This will prove to be beneficial down the road once the game goes into full effect. Remember, the way to catch a marshmallow is to always go backwards with the marshmallow. Don’t stab at it unless in the rare situation that you have to dive.

Now, once you’ve got a ninety percent completion rate or better you’re ready to play the game. First, Friend will toss one my way and I’ll toss one his way at the same time. This requires great eye mouth coordination. Next, you want to try behind the back and between the legs once you’ve mastered the first technique. If you trust your friend’s hygiene, try spitting from one mouth across the room into the other. Finally, you have to integrate the walls and ceilings for a more unpredictable effect.

Whether you choose to eat the marshmallows that land in your mouth is really up to you. I can’t advise you there other than to say that it will ruin smores for the rest of your life if you eat all the ones you catch. This is especially true if you catch like I can.

Since Friend and I were both in the same fraternity, we like to treat our assistants like pledges. So we made them all go get three bags of marshmallows. Then, they stand against the wall with their mouths open. We tell them that they have to catch at least five marshmallows to keep their jobs, and then we rapid fire them. If things keep going at this rate we’ll have to hire a whole new staff. Sorry for the Hollywoodless post, but with the way this strike is going, my next post will be about the time Friend taught me how to juggle.

LD

Autographing

I think I had always planned on being famous. I used to practice my signature all the time. This started in high school and just turned into an OCD thing over the years. Every time I had something to write with and something else to write on, my signature was sure to follow. Checks were my favorite, but I only got to sign one of those at the beginning of every month. The only thing I needed to write checks for in college was rent. Now I write them almost non-stop. Well, I have someone write them for me, which is almost the same thing. Only now, my assistant has one of those self-inking stamps with my signature on it, and he just slams it down upon my approval. I remember when I had that thing made; I must have signed my name a hundred times trying to get the perfect one for the template.

That’s something I’ve yet to see with a celebrity. I can picture it though, and I laugh when I do. Imagine Justin Timberlake out shopping when he is spotted by a crowd of fans…. all wanting autographs. Timberlake, who is in hurry but still wants to please his admirers, pulls out a self-inking signature stamper and goes to town on them. He makes it through the entire group in under a minute and is back on his way. As practical as that seems, it would never happen. At least not for Justin. He’s way too famous to go out in public like that. He has to have people do his shopping for him. I often wonder how he likes not being able to go out like a normal person. I’m sure at first it might be neat to watch people go ape shit at the very sight of you, but after a while I think it would have to suck.

I’m content with my level of fame. Since I spend all of my time on the other side of the camera, it’s possible for people to not know who I am. I’m fine with that because not only do I make more money than the people in front of the camera, but I get to do something I thoroughly enjoy with a certain level of anonymity. Which is great for me, because I can still have fans that appreciate my work without sacrificing my love for going to the grocery store. I may not be able to dance as well as Timberlake, but at least I can buy my Nutella in peace.

AJ

WGA Strikes Again...I'm having way too much fun with the puns on "Strike"

I rolled into the studios past the picketers again today. It’s kind of annoying to drive around them but is spices up the day a bit. I thought about having one of my assistants set up a cappuccino stand next to them to earn the studio a little more revenue but decided against it. We have to keep up our relationship with these people because they keep the business running. We send food and drinks out all day long and keep feeding them all the Hollywood Trades so they can keep up on the non-business that’s going on in the business right now.

I truly feel that we are the only studio actually doing any work now. I heard Paramount and some of the others were doing some housekeeping chores to keep busy. You know just the old magic Hollywood accountant cooking the books to try and figure out how they can lower back profits off of streaming online content more once the strike ends. I’ve always been of the school of thought that if someone makes you money you better damn well pay them what they deserve.

We were the first studio to start streaming our content online. We saw the digital age coming before Steve Jobs did. That was a joke, Steve. You know what’s sweet about being rich? Apple personally made me a computer where the studios name lights upon the back like the Apple does. I tried to get them to do one with my penis but they said that it looked too much like the twig of the apple so we just left it at that.

I would like to take a quick second to address the irony of extremely rich writers holding up three dollar picket signs attached to popsicle sticks. Now, I know that not every writer in Hollywood is rich, and many of the poorer ones are out there picketing to get the guys that keep taking their jobs more money. But I counted five people I’ve written checks out to that contain quite a few zeros. We have eight people in front of the studio in options deals right now. You wouldn’t believe the number of calls I’ve received from writers who picket in the day and want to keep their writing project going at night. Disloyal bastards. I’m not that much of a dick to make them do that. Well…….I’m not going to give a response to that.

LD

Inspiration

Why do I write? I started writing because I don’t sleep when everyone else does. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. So I just talked to myself. Not out loud, but in the form of words on my computer screen. I’m not crazy; I just have jacked up sleeping patterns. Some really good movies have come from this problem of mine though. That’s how I know I have a passion for this stuff, I don’t think about anything else. Seriously. Break into my thoughts one night if you don’t believe me. Every time I think, it’s about something that would make a great scene, or a clever line of dialogue, or an unbelievable series of shots. I might even go on to recommend doing this if you are uncertain of your passions. Don’t put off sleeping on purpose just because you want to discover what makes you tick. I’m just saying; if you find yourself unable to drift off, you might want to take notice of the things that are keeping you from doing that.

Or don’t, I don’t care. If I took inspiration advice from some of the kids who were studying film with me in college, I would still be back home working at Hollywood Video… or the local multiplex. I heard a few of them were still scooping popcorn there. These kids were all about NOT “selling out.” They were cutthroat artist who hypothetically, could get offered buckets of money for their film if they would only cut it down from 3 hours to 90 minutes and leave out all the bullshit… and they would tell the investors to go fuck themselves. They didn’t care about money, only artistic expression. They wanted people to see their movie for what it was, without making it commercialized. If that meant no one would ever see a single frame, then so be it. They weren’t about to sell out. Well, what they called selling out, I called working. That’s why I went to college: to turn my education into money. In my case, getting paid by the shitloads to make movies.

My advice is to not listen to advice. Listen to good music. Read good books, or do neither. I just contradicted myself by giving out advice that was also contradicting. So, I will just give out recommendations from now on. My first recommendation is that you check out the new CD from one of my favorite bands: Angels and Airwaves. Their new album came out yesterday and is called I-Empire. Do yourself a favor and buy it. Music can be an excellent source of inspiration. That wasn’t advice, it was only a reccomendation. See the difference?

AJ

WGA Strike 3

I’m not going to put my two cents into the strike because that’s been done a million times before. Everyone has something to say that is going to cure it and/or keep it going. The strike is old news, and we really don’t care about it anymore. I’ll tell you this…without writers Hollywood is nothing. Writers are the architects of the system and without them the house is going to fall constantly.

I’m a member of the WGA and have been for over fifteen years. Where does that leave me? I’m a studio head who occasionally needs to put a script out to the public. Do I need the WGA to advocate for me in a confrontation? No. I’ve got an in house legal team to do that sort of thing for me. I’m licensed by the California Bar. I pay my dues every year. So why am I a member of the WGA? To show support.

Do I buy into the whole don’t prolong this strike by not going around the system? No I don’t. Studio X keeps going because we will it to keep going. We’ve got rooms in the studio filled with scripts that are just waiting to get made. Do you not think that every underling assistant in the building wants to be a writer? You’re damn straight they do, and I’ll bet that if we put ten of them together they can probably come up with an idea to make the script work if we shoot in Vegas instead of Columbia.

I know what it’s like to be a starving writer, and I know what it’s like to be a rich producer. And I know what it’s like to be a mega-rich studio head. At the end of the day we all work together for a common goal. They have to get what they want, and I’ll lend my full support but the show must go on. I’m not going to shut down our television wing just because writers want royalties on dvd sales. Should they get them? Absolutely.

To be honest with you, I have no idea why I’m even writing this now. I have to write eight new television shows right after I revoke my WGA membership. I’ll join back up after the fray if they’ll have me. Don’t worry. They’ll take me back because they want their writers to have jobs when the strike is over.

Tours Shmours

Like I said, I have never actually been on our Studio’s organized tours. I didn’t even know how much we charged for that sort of thing until last Wednesday when I decided to go on the tour myself. Thirty-five bucks. Add that to the cost of the new Ray-Bans and hat I bought to keep from being recognized and we’re looking at a cool two hundred bucks just to have fun. But, I spend close to that amount on dinner at least three nights every week, so fuck it.

I noticed a while back that the Tour’s Shuttle bus always passed by the building with our offices, and depending on the Tour guide, they would point out my assigned parking space and say something like “That’s where the CEO’s park.” So I made sure I drove my new Porsche Carrera GT to work that day. I usually drive a hybrid to help out the environment, but this city’s smog problem is already way passed the point of preventative concern, so again, fuck it. (I swear that’s the last time I’m going to end a paragraph like that)

I’m on the tour, sitting in the back of the Shuttle, and our guide starts throwing out questions left and right. What is the studio’s longest running TV show? Who directed Studio X’s first movie? What actor has appeared in the most movies produced by Studio X? It was hard to not respond. Of course I knew all the answers to questions about my own studio. Right or wrong, I was still letting the other people on the tour answer the questions as we were moving along. We’ll at least until one of the last questions. The guide asked if anyone knew what a Foley Artist was. This one guy up front who had already answered 3 questions incorrectly said “Ugh, yeah he’s the guy deals with the Lighting on a set” “WRONG! JACKASS!” I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Plus I felt sorry for the poor girl giving the tour having to put up with his ignorance. I think her name was Amanda.

I took off the hat and shades, apologized for the outburst, and introduced myself. I told Amanda to have a seat, and that I would be driving the shuttle for the rest of the tour. I got on the intercom and told the group that this was their lucky day. For the first and only time in history, they would be receiving a never before seen tour given by one of the CEO’s.

I was driving the hell out of that shuttle. Something I have never done before, so I was just thinking of all the places on the lot I could take them. I eventually asked Amanda what else she would do if she were still driving and she said, “Nothing Sir, you’ve done everything I would have done if I were giving a tour.” Well, that pissed me off. I thought I was doing something special and showing off things not normally on the tour. So I drove the tour group right up to the door of the gift shop, and told them that anything they wanted out of there was on me. I also told Amanda if she could beat that surprise ending on her Tour Guide wages I would permanently trade jobs with her. New cost of having fun: $3,649.18. Fuck it.

AJ

Visitors

Dear Readers,

Had another unexpected visitor pass through town. Taking them out, but I wanted to go ahead and fill your heads with anticipation. Yesterday, I took my own studio tour incognito. I will tell you all about it before I tuck myself in for bed.

AJ

Sent from my iPhone