If You Can't Beat'em Then Settle

When I found out that Friend was telling the Segway story again I strained my abs from laughing too hard. After that happened, I thought I was going to have to get hypnotized to remove that thought from my memory because I couldn’t get through a damn meeting with my screenwriters without doubling over in laughter. Before I tell you the conclusion to the story, let me first tell you my point of view.

At the time, I was producing this comedy/action movie with one of the larger studios in town. I brought the movie in at 15 million over budget because we lost a tank in one of the Great Lakes. All of the big execs at the studio were screaming at me, and anytime I am not in control of a situation, I start to get pissed. I’ve found that the best remedy for me at least, is to do something I can control, and that is buying things.

My wife created a rule when we got married that I couldn’t get on the internet and drink at the same time. This all happened a few years ago after a late night after an award show in Beverly Hills, ten shots of patron, ten minutes on the internet and when a hummer was delivered to our house two weeks later. So after I got back from the meeting with the execs, I had my sights set on hitting the internet and bringing something home to take my pain away.

I walk into the office and see something that looks like a dolly. I didn’t know what the fuck it was, but I stood on it and thought it was going to fall over. It didn’t and instead it took off with me on it. It was the most amazing piece of machinery I had ever seen. I really didn’t know where it came from, but I just assumed that after my casting session in NYC and the bar down in Soho, I might have found internet access.

I knew that if I had this wonderful wheel barrow machine, then everyone else in the office had to have one as well. The film was already fifteen million over budget and I was pissed off at the execs. I ordered twenty-seven more of them charged to the movie and they were delivered two hours later. Some guy came by to do some training, but we all played freeze tag on them instead.

So you know the rest of the story. My assistant crashed into the ground, and I felt sorry for her but only the strong survive in this world. She left crying and I got a notice of lawsuit three days later. I’m on a slower learning curve than friend, and it took me a good two weeks to figure out that Segways weren’t worth the money. My ex-assistant was suing for one hundred thousand dollars and through my war-like negotiating tactics, I got them to settle for twenty-eight Segways instead. Friend was pissed when he found out that I lost his Segway, but everything evened out. I can’t help but to smile and think of my ex-assistant every time Friend shows up at the lot driving that big ass hummer.

LD