Don’t Get Me Wrong…I Love Television

I am a television addict. I’ve produced several television shows, and when I first got my start in Hollywood I was a staff writer in a couple of shows. When, I finally decided to cast myself as a lead in a show that was created by one of my underlings or bitches as I like to call them (I’m just joking bitches), that was the only show that didn’t make it past the pilot season. Another show that I absolutely loved was killed after eight episodes to make room for some dumb reality show that involved midgets or something like that. Can I make a quick side note here? No? Okay, never mind. Well, it’s my fucking blog and I’ll do whatever in the hell I please. Sorry, honey, no…I’m just talking to my blog. No, I’m not cheating on you with a girl named blog. Her name is Sarah.

Ok, sorry, snap back to reality whoops there goes gravity. I need to make another point before my side note point. When Eminem got political on his last album, I quit listening. Now, I am not saying I’m a master voter. If anything I’m a master…, you get the point. I was inferring a seventh grade joke about masturbation in the last sentence in case you didn’t get it But when I see a guy named Slim Shady walk out of the voting booth, that's when it's time to become a dictatorship. See what happens when I get side tracked? Here’s the point. Can I please see one movie where a normal sized person beats the shit out of a midget in a fight? I saw this in a preview of a Vince Vaughn movie the other day where all of Santa’s little elves team up on him and beat him up. Vince Vaughn is like six five and he could kick midgets around like David Beckham. I mean the only thing that could stand a chance against a guy like Vince Vaughn is his career, and I think it just choke slammed him for making a movie called Fred Clause. Really, did he really say “let’s make some bad decisions” in the trailer? In the trailer? I’ve heard this in Wedding Crashers, The Breakup, and now this critical masterpiece Fred Clause?

Television. I plan on doing a long post about my love of television and what seems to work, but this is neither the time nor place. In this post, I only want to address one major problem that should be taken care of immediately. Do NOT ever interrupt my baseball game, sitcom, or my wife’s America’s Skinniest Top Model show with a weather report. I pay damn good money to see what I want when I want to see it. You may give a small option to view the weather report or you can show it over the commercials in your time but not my time. If there’s a tornado, do you really think I’m going to get in my basement? If a murderer was going to come in your room and kill you while you were having sex, would you rather him tell you about it for three hours or would you rather die having sex? I would rather die watching my baseball game.* You say, “Whoa whoa whoa, buddy. If they tell you about the weather, you can take cover to save your life.” Nice point, idiot retard stupid. If I go down to my basement, I’m supposed to be taking cover against my house collapsing. Now, I’m no physicist but I’m thinking if my house collapses gravity is probably going to pull it downward. Do you really think that after the wicked storm tears down my house, I’m going to crawl through the debris out of my basement? No, I’m not.

LD

*Footnote: One reading of the above passage would infer that I would rather die watching a baseball game as opposed to having sex. This would be the literal reading, and I need my readers to be more active with their inferences. Of course, I would rather die while having sex and watching a baseball game.