I lost my virginity when I was thirty-one years old to my second wife.

Sorry, about the title to the post. I always thought that would be a funny title although it doesn’t represent any truth about me whatsoever. It’s completely not true and you shouldn’t believe a word of it. I mean, really, I’ve never been married twice. So why would anyone believe that I lost it to my second wife. That doesn’t even make sense.

If you mention the word screenwriting, you will be bombarded with a million experts who have never sold a script. They will try to teach you the fundamentals of crafting your screenplay and how to promote it. They will teach you how to sell it. But wait, if they are spending all their time teaching you, then why aren’t they selling their own screenplay. That’s because they can’t and realized it would be much easier to teach you how and charge you money. I can tell anyone how to throw a ninety-mile an hour fastball but wouldn’t I have much more credibility if I had done it before?*

I make this point because one of the many words of wisdom out there is that you should write what you love. Well, I love to throw playing cards. Do you want to watch a movie about it? I’ve actually considered uploading my card throwing abilities on youtube. I actually hit Ben Stiller with a card in the forehead when he tried to improv a scene once. Ironically, his reaction to the card hitting him was the same reaction that his character has to everything in every one of his films. He did the freak out thing where he gets loud and he utters his words and does the little thing with his thumbs. I’m a big believer that when an actor plays the same character in every movie that the character should have the same name in every movie. Like, here’s Gaylord Focker and he’s gotten a divorce and now he’s married again in the Heartbreak kid, but wait he doesn’t like being married so he’s going to resort to being a male model again in Zoolander 2.

Here’s the point, if you are a screenwriter who wants to make it big in Hollywood, first of all get used to telling customer that your special for the day is slow roasted lamb with fresh cheese sauce. Next, never write what you love unless it’s also what Hollywood loves. Hollywood uses the reasonable person standard (that’s right I went to law school bitches) to determine what the country would love. A reasonable person is defined in the dictionary as, “one who has a redneck.” That’s right, rednecks make up about 75 percent of the population of this country. They are the only breed of stereotype who have successfully found their way into every corner of this country. If you really want to write a script that gets made and makes money, imagine you can’t wait for the next Nascar race, love moonpies, and think the Blue Collar guys are fucking geniuses.

*Footnote: I once threw a ninety-mile per hour fastball but it was out the window of a Porsche going approximately ninety miles per hour.

Oh, I almost forgot. If you would like for us to consider your unsolicited, error-ridden screenplay for a possible film to put on our pre-production slate, please send it to:
Who gives a shit about your terrible screenplay when we can make Deuce Bigalow Part 3 Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90064

PS: We don't care how many holes are punched in it as long as it really gets its message across. Please put a large graphic on the title page so we can get a feel for your movie. Also, it would really help us out if you could go ahead and cast the movie with potential A-list actors that you could see playing our parts. Go ahead and choose the director as well. Please remember that we don't like to make small budget movies so go crazy with the car chase and bomb scenes! Don’t forget to write about what you love.

LD