Star Struck

When you think of being star struck, you think of being in the presence of someone you idolized as a kid. You think of that great actor that you sat in the theater to watch. You think of someone that serves as a pseudo mentor to you and someone that you always wanted to be. Then you become a producer and you don’t give a shit anymore. You start to see the star of a celebrity as nothing more than a dollar sign attached to their head and a deciding factor to make a movie.

I used to want to be an actor, and then, I realized that they live and die in this town. They don’t have a long lifespan and the ones that do are the ones that can be recognized by their first names. Producers used to be the leaders of this town. They were the ones that dominated and controlled the town. They signed stars to long-term contracts and paid them little money. The stars got famous and the producers got rich.

Things have slowly changed now that everyone from the creative exec who presides over the movie to the hairdresser who fixes up the stars gets an executive producer credit on the film. Producers aren’t what they used to be now that every movie star becomes a producer after a few big hits. They want control over their vehicle and they want to drive their project forward. Movie stars and directors control the town these days because along with those nifty titles they can also throw producer by their name.

The days of the true producer who nurtures the movie to what the script meant it to be are over. These days producers are nothing more than people who whore out celebrities to get another credit to their roster that hopefully brings in enough royalties to afford the car lease and the semi-just outside of Beverly Hills mansion. I try every day to be the producer of old, but these days it’s so hard to get a beautiful movie in front of the right person that you have to take what you can get.

The people who say that they’ll never sell out are poor. You have to sell out in this town to get to do what you want. This is called show business. It’s not called show me your film theories you learned in your liberal arts college. If you take the movie part away we are just car salesmen and women (gender neutral) who are trying to move a product.

With all of my work in the business, I don’t get star struck by your average mega-star anymore. It takes something more. I will admit that I was out at Diddy Riese getting a cookie with the wife when Kobe Bryant walked up to the line. I had some loose connections with his agent when we were attempting to get a cameo out of him in the sports agent movie so we had a mutual connection. We really hit it off and I was as nervous as a hooker on tax day.(oooooh I changed that up bitches)

I kept trying to convince him that we could do the White Men Can't Jump thing and try to hustle some people on the court. We settled for a game of ping pong instead and I bet him one thousand bucks before we ever played the best of seven series. Folks, it turns out an athlete is an athlete, and that’s why I felt sorry for him when I “accidentally” forgot to tell him that I played a year of college baseball at a junior college down south. He beat me four games to zero but I think I really earned his respect when I smoked him later at Balderdash. Don’t fuck with me at Balderdash, Kobe. I’m badass.

LD

Visiting Hollywood

One of my friends from college came out here to stay with me for a week. I actually just dropped him off at LAX about an hour ago. We had a great time catching up, goofing off, and seeing the sights. It’s always the same with every visitor I have. I ask them what kinds of things they want to do while they’re here, then I receive different variations of the following verbal list:

1. “I’ve gotta see that Hollywood sign.”
2. “Where do the celebs hang out?”
3. “Lets walk down that street that has all the stars in the sidewalk”
4. “Do I get to see where you work?”

Ok future visiting friends. We can do whatever you want because it’s your vacation time, and I want you to have fun. But, here are a few reasons why I am tired of doing the things on that list.

1. You want to see the Hollywood sign? You can see it from all over the place. It’s huge, and sitting on the side of a mountain. I can drive you up close enough to snap some pretty good pictures of the thing, but that’s about it. No, we can’t actually walk up to the sign and touch it. They have that thing fenced off and surrounded by surveillance cameras and motion sensors. Being noticed by either one of those will earn you a couple hundred bucks in fines.

2. Celebs are everywhere, and they are just as boring as you and me. The chances you will spot one out here are pretty high, but never guaranteed. When I first moved out here, it took two months before I actually saw one. It was Fred Durst at The Grove. Yeah I know, people use the word “celebrity” very loosely, and Fred is sort of sitting on the fence for me.

3. I don’t know what it is about the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but apparently it has this special power to make homeless people feel less homeless. They’re everywhere. I don’t even like going down there to see my own star, and I paid $15,000 for that damn thing.

4. Yeah, I would love to take you on tour of our Studio. This one is actually fun for you and me both, so it can stay on the list for many years to come. Every studio in town gives really great-organized tours. That was my favorite thing to do when I first got out here, because unlike all the other things on the list, it didn’t make me feel like a touristy piece of shit.

Hmm. That last one got me thinking. I’ve never actually been on one of those organized tours of Studio X. I always just give my own little all-access “walk around with the CEO” version of what I think would be cooler than the actual tour. But, how do I know it’s more fun if I have never been on the real one? I just might have to do that… maybe tomorrow.

AJ

Obsession

I became obsessed with working in the entertainment industry in college. I used to be obsessed with being famous but the more I thought it about it, the more I realized that I didn’t want to be famous, I wanted to be noticed. We all want to be noticed for what we do that makes us stand out from everyone else. If all we wanted was to be famous, we’d go shoot up a local gas station to get our fifteen minutes.

When I was developing my strategy for my career in Hollywood, I never thought I would care about an Oscar. I always wanted to write and make comedy movies, but after the desire for money and laughs go away, you’re stuck with wanting more. I wanted to get noticed not just by people with a need to laugh, but by people that knew movies and knew great movies.

Friend and I were not surprised when we got our first Oscar nomination. It didn’t sneak up on us when we weren’t expecting it. We made the movie with the intention of winning an Oscar. No, we didn’t make a strong themed movie like Brokeback Mountain in the hopes of just being different. We made a movie that was real. We made a movie that was so real that it could have passed for a diary of my life.

It was the easiest movie I had ever written because I no longer had to guess what a character felt or what type of music he liked to listen to. I simply looked back at the notes that I had jotted down when going through the worst time of my life and constructed them into a visual story. At the time I was going through it, I never thought that I would actually appreciate the hell that I had to go through. But at the end of the day, I realized that it made me strong and it solidified my career in the entertainment industry.

If you want to turn your struggle into a movie, please send ten thousand dollars to Studio X along with your struggle. We’ll get back to you.

LD

So Many Questions

I have a lot of people ask me: What was the first movie you remember seeing in theaters? That’s easy. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. How about that for an interesting concept: There is this ooze, and it leaked on these 4 turtles and a rat that somehow already knew jujitsu, and it made them grow to human size, then the rat taught the turtles how to fight, and they constantly kicked the ass of this guy who loved to wear shards of metal. You think Marijuana was involved in that creation? Who cares…when I was six, those fuckers were so badass. I dressed up as Leonardo for Halloween four years in a row. I know, I know, four years. I could have been a different turtle each time. But Leo was the assumed leader of the bunch, and blue is my favorite color.

Anyways, I think a better question to ask your favorite director when you see him eating lunch at The Palm is: What movie made you realize that film was art? If you’re going to interrupt his meal, you might as well go for the gold. Find out his core influence. Who gives a shit that my mom took me to see TMNT for my sixth birthday. It wasn’t because of that movie that I am where I am today. I was six. It was because I continued watching tons of movies throughout my life until I got to Donnie Darko. That’s when I realized that I wanted to make movies. I don’t really care to get specific, that movie just knocked me on my ass the first time I saw it. Every director has “that” movie and it’s different for each one of us.

“That” movie is usually different from our favorite movie. At least mine is. My favorite movie is always changing, but I constantly juggle it around with the same five or six movies that I’ve once been quoted saying was my favorite. You have to be careful what you say when you’re asked that. Every time I’m out with someone new, I inevitably ask out of curiosity what his or her favorite movie is. I was out on a date once, and the poor girl said her favorite flick of all time was Harry and the Hendersons. I didn’t know what to say. I took her home right after dinner, and haven’t talked to her since. It’s not like she was missing a limb, or had bad breath; she merely had shitty taste in movies. What a nerdy form of shallowness I have. I guess it’s a good thing I’m in therapy.

AJ

Hollywood Networking

Among the many questions I get from college and high school kids is how do I get my first job in the industry. To this I usually reply, “Get the hell away from me. It’s two in the morning and I want to know how you broke into my house.” But here’s the answer, kids. It’s all about building a network.

There are many ways to build a network in this industry, but this is neither the time nor the place for me to tell you how to do that. The best book I’ve ever read about network building is called Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time, and it’s by Keith Ferrazzi. Ferrazzi has built a network of thousands of people, and this book shows you how. If you want to do anything with your life you need to be an avid reader. The more information you consume the more you will be prone to match interests with someone that could get you somewhere in life. Check out the book and implement it. Just don’t try to get me on your network list.

LD

Here's Johnny

The first celebrity I saw in Los Angeles was John Larroquette. The only reason I knew who he was is because my father used to love Night Court. I remember standing behind him in line at a coffee shop and feeling a buzz in the room. He hit on the cashier for about five minutes and walked out of the shop. I remember thinking that if John Larroquette creates such a buzz, what would it be like to see an A-lister walk into the room.

Approximately one year later I got the feeling first hand and all I can say was that it was surreal. That’s when I first broke into the Hollywood scene and the best way to compare it to anything is to compare it to being in a fraternity. You were good enough to walk through the door but you don’t know what to do. You just try your best to watch everyone else and act like them. The first time I got recognized on the street, I was trying to figure out if I went to college with the guy who was freaking out about seeing me. It turns out he had heard me speak to a section of law school students about using their law degree in the business.

When Jack Nicholson expressed interest in a spec script I wrote I thought it was a joke. I had just gotten an agent off the sale of my first script and he asked me if I had anything else. I handed it over to him, and I was so used to people not getting my material, I never though about it again. He calls me two days later and tells me that Jack Nicholson is interested in producing and playing the lead.

Thinking that this agent was trying to impress me by leading me on, my exact words were “You can tell Jack that I’m interested in him playing the lead but there’s no fucking way he’s producing my baby.” The agent calls me back and tells me that Jack respects my love for the material and he will drop his back profits and take an executive producer role. At this point, I started to realize that I was really dealing with Jack “I sit on the front row at Lakers’ games” Nicholson.

Little did I know that that one little statement would change my career. I was just trying to call my agent’s bluff and instead I earned the respect of one of the best actors of my generation. The movie died in pre-production and ended up coming out a couple of years later with a different lead. It’s funny how a person can get lucky sometimes, but to be lucky you have to help yourself. And sometimes you have to just shoot from the hip and have some guts even though you might endanger yourself in the process. You have to take risks. And that’s the story about why I drink whiskey.

LD

Movie Magic

I swear I’m like a little kid when it comes to watching movies. I still love going to the movies, watching them at home, and reading about them at work. It never gets old to me and I never want it to. I was scared that the magic of viewing movies would go away when I first moved out here and started working as a PA on sets. When most people are around all the drama, stress, and other bullshit that goes into making a film, they tend to think of only that when they are watching the movie. I worked my way up from production assistant and eventually started directing. I’ve had a few disagreeing moments with people on my sets that turned into small fights. But, because of those fights we pushed harder to get the shots, resolve our differences, and make a brilliant movie that we all believed in.

Believing in a movie is everything to me. Studio X makes anywhere from 8 to 12 movies a year, and I only direct one of them. I get first pick from the scripts as they come in and always pick the one I believe in the most. People often assume that I pick the one that’s going to bring in the most money, but that’s not the case. At this stage in the game I don’t care about that. I’m CEO and Co-Chairman of this place; I’ll see money from all the films no matter how little I’m involved.

In an effort to remain anonymous, I can’t really say which movies I have picked in the past years versus the scripts I’ve passed down to up-and-coming directors. I usually pass on comedies, unless it’s something extremely clever like Little Miss Sunshine, or Stranger Than Fiction. I also always pass on comic book movies. Those things will effortlessly make their money back from the books already existing fan base, and I don’t want to be held accountable for their virginity any more than I have to. Chick Flicks and Romantic Comedies are also a no go. I can’t involve myself with a film that will only work depending on how bad the audience actually wants to see those two actors having sex.

That leaves everything in-between for me. I like things that are different. So I will pick a script that could either suck really badly in the hands of someone who didn’t know what they were doing, or be total genius if crafted by someone who cared about it and believed it could be great. That’s how I got where I am today. I take a stack of papers with words on them, and turn it into a visual masterpiece that everyone can appreciate. That’s weird that I said that, I just received an email from Friend and the subject title was “Visual Masterpeice.” However, I’m sure it’s just another forwarded video clip from pornbloopers.com.

AJ

If You Can't Beat'em Then Settle

When I found out that Friend was telling the Segway story again I strained my abs from laughing too hard. After that happened, I thought I was going to have to get hypnotized to remove that thought from my memory because I couldn’t get through a damn meeting with my screenwriters without doubling over in laughter. Before I tell you the conclusion to the story, let me first tell you my point of view.

At the time, I was producing this comedy/action movie with one of the larger studios in town. I brought the movie in at 15 million over budget because we lost a tank in one of the Great Lakes. All of the big execs at the studio were screaming at me, and anytime I am not in control of a situation, I start to get pissed. I’ve found that the best remedy for me at least, is to do something I can control, and that is buying things.

My wife created a rule when we got married that I couldn’t get on the internet and drink at the same time. This all happened a few years ago after a late night after an award show in Beverly Hills, ten shots of patron, ten minutes on the internet and when a hummer was delivered to our house two weeks later. So after I got back from the meeting with the execs, I had my sights set on hitting the internet and bringing something home to take my pain away.

I walk into the office and see something that looks like a dolly. I didn’t know what the fuck it was, but I stood on it and thought it was going to fall over. It didn’t and instead it took off with me on it. It was the most amazing piece of machinery I had ever seen. I really didn’t know where it came from, but I just assumed that after my casting session in NYC and the bar down in Soho, I might have found internet access.

I knew that if I had this wonderful wheel barrow machine, then everyone else in the office had to have one as well. The film was already fifteen million over budget and I was pissed off at the execs. I ordered twenty-seven more of them charged to the movie and they were delivered two hours later. Some guy came by to do some training, but we all played freeze tag on them instead.

So you know the rest of the story. My assistant crashed into the ground, and I felt sorry for her but only the strong survive in this world. She left crying and I got a notice of lawsuit three days later. I’m on a slower learning curve than friend, and it took me a good two weeks to figure out that Segways weren’t worth the money. My ex-assistant was suing for one hundred thousand dollars and through my war-like negotiating tactics, I got them to settle for twenty-eight Segways instead. Friend was pissed when he found out that I lost his Segway, but everything evened out. I can’t help but to smile and think of my ex-assistant every time Friend shows up at the lot driving that big ass hummer.

LD

I Believe I can Fly...

Well, I don’t know if I actually believe that, but I do believe if there were a machine you could buy that made you fly, I would buy it. Who wouldn’t? Remember when those Segways first came out? People were more than willing to pay five grand for a machine that did what? Eliminated walking? Made you look like a Robot? I don’t know, but they were different so people bought them. I did. When I first got mine, I used it to ride around from my office to the sound stages on the studio’s lot. People normally use golf carts around here, so I pulled the whole Segway transportation display as more of a comedic stunt. No one laughed. I should have just rolled up on a Big-Wheel like a true badass. Do they even still make those? It would have saved me a shit ton of money if they did.

Have you ever experienced something so funny that it stays funny forever? No matter how long ago it happened or what you’re doing, you still laugh. The other people in the funeral home are assuming you’ve gone mad for bursting out in random laughter in such a somber setting. But its not your fault, you cant help when and where you are when that brief moment of hilarity decides to resurface. Well I have a story about one of those times.

*** Just so were clear, this is a story about something I’ve witnessed that I continue to think is funny when I re-live that experience, NOT about me thinking of that certain experience and laughing some place I shouldn’t have been laughing. (like a funeral home)

So, back to the Segway... I parked it in the hall and totally forgot about it because it’s stupid and pointless. When I went back for it a few hours later, it wasn’t there. Friend must have found it, took it for a spin, and left it someplace else. I went to his office to see if he knew where it was, but he wasn’t in there. He must have still been out riding that dumb thing around. I tried to find out if anyone had seen where he rode off to, but neither of his assistants were at their desk. In fact, no one was in the office at all. Where the hell was everyone? I looked out the window, and there they were…. all on Segways. He bought one for each person on our entire team. They were following him around on those things from building to building like a pack of water buffalo.

I had to get a closer look. I ran downstairs, jumped on the nearest golf cart, and took off after them. Once I got close enough to see what was really going on, it was just what I expected. He enjoyed the hell out of that thing so much, that he could never imagine a time he wanted to be off of it. As a result, the people he always had around him taking orders and running errands, had to be able to keep up with him to take part in their own abuse. His assistants were keeping up with their normal tasks of answering phones and taking notes, which didn’t look easy standing up at 17mph. His second assistant was writing down a phone number on her hand when she hit a speed bump at an awkward angle. She went down face first on the pavement. And being Friend’s assistant, she was up closest to him in the herd. At least four people from development ran over her before the rest of the team could figure out how to make those things stop. Listen, I know it might have sounded brutally painful to you, but I was there..... Trust me, it was hilarious.

AJ

Terminated

We all say stupid things. The only problem is that some of us get fired for saying stupid things. I hired the son of one my of wife's friends from a charity organization. He's been working in the mailroom here for two weeks. Not a bad kid, but I kept having this feeling like he really didn't have what it takes in this business. I've kept him around because his dad owns one of my favorite pizza places down in Santa Monica. I send him out to get me lunch every day, and ironically I always want pizza. Ever since I found out, I've been ordering the weirdest pizzas.

Anyway, this morning all of the assistants and I were talking about actors and actresses that have either gained or lost lots of weight for movies. Ok, so I wasn't actually talking to them, but one of my assistants told me about it. Everyone mentioned their favorites and who pulled it off the best. So it gets over to dumbass, and he says that he thinks Eddie Murphy did an unbelievable job in the Nutty Professor. He goes on to ponder how anyone could gain that much weight that quickly. I wanted to punch him in the face. I did the next best thing and fired him. Now, I'm just wondering what to get for lunch.

LD

Don’t Get Me Wrong…I Love Television

I am a television addict. I’ve produced several television shows, and when I first got my start in Hollywood I was a staff writer in a couple of shows. When, I finally decided to cast myself as a lead in a show that was created by one of my underlings or bitches as I like to call them (I’m just joking bitches), that was the only show that didn’t make it past the pilot season. Another show that I absolutely loved was killed after eight episodes to make room for some dumb reality show that involved midgets or something like that. Can I make a quick side note here? No? Okay, never mind. Well, it’s my fucking blog and I’ll do whatever in the hell I please. Sorry, honey, no…I’m just talking to my blog. No, I’m not cheating on you with a girl named blog. Her name is Sarah.

Ok, sorry, snap back to reality whoops there goes gravity. I need to make another point before my side note point. When Eminem got political on his last album, I quit listening. Now, I am not saying I’m a master voter. If anything I’m a master…, you get the point. I was inferring a seventh grade joke about masturbation in the last sentence in case you didn’t get it But when I see a guy named Slim Shady walk out of the voting booth, that's when it's time to become a dictatorship. See what happens when I get side tracked? Here’s the point. Can I please see one movie where a normal sized person beats the shit out of a midget in a fight? I saw this in a preview of a Vince Vaughn movie the other day where all of Santa’s little elves team up on him and beat him up. Vince Vaughn is like six five and he could kick midgets around like David Beckham. I mean the only thing that could stand a chance against a guy like Vince Vaughn is his career, and I think it just choke slammed him for making a movie called Fred Clause. Really, did he really say “let’s make some bad decisions” in the trailer? In the trailer? I’ve heard this in Wedding Crashers, The Breakup, and now this critical masterpiece Fred Clause?

Television. I plan on doing a long post about my love of television and what seems to work, but this is neither the time nor place. In this post, I only want to address one major problem that should be taken care of immediately. Do NOT ever interrupt my baseball game, sitcom, or my wife’s America’s Skinniest Top Model show with a weather report. I pay damn good money to see what I want when I want to see it. You may give a small option to view the weather report or you can show it over the commercials in your time but not my time. If there’s a tornado, do you really think I’m going to get in my basement? If a murderer was going to come in your room and kill you while you were having sex, would you rather him tell you about it for three hours or would you rather die having sex? I would rather die watching my baseball game.* You say, “Whoa whoa whoa, buddy. If they tell you about the weather, you can take cover to save your life.” Nice point, idiot retard stupid. If I go down to my basement, I’m supposed to be taking cover against my house collapsing. Now, I’m no physicist but I’m thinking if my house collapses gravity is probably going to pull it downward. Do you really think that after the wicked storm tears down my house, I’m going to crawl through the debris out of my basement? No, I’m not.

LD

*Footnote: One reading of the above passage would infer that I would rather die watching a baseball game as opposed to having sex. This would be the literal reading, and I need my readers to be more active with their inferences. Of course, I would rather die while having sex and watching a baseball game.

Solo Tour?

While our movie is floating around in pre-production, I’ve been keeping myself occupied with the new Record Label. It has been fun, but still has its fair share of ups and downs. Last night, for example: Way down. One of my A&R guys (who is now fired) suggested that I go with him to see a Dashboard Confessional Concert. I only agreed because they were one of my favorite bands in college and I used one of their songs on my very first movie soundtrack. It was a hit, and this is how I get repaid:

This tour is called the Dashboard Confessional Solo Tour. I thought, “Great, I’m busy and don’t have to time watch some shitty opening act anyways.” Turns out, I was wrong in my assumption, then wrong again. You’ll see. First thing I noticed was that our ticket said “With Special Guest: Jack’s Mannequin” I thought it was a solo tour? Turns out, this was a one time thing since they were both in LA at the same time, and the Jack’s Mannequin performance was actually for charity. So I guessed that Dashboard let them intrude on their “Solo Tour” because it was for a good cause. I’m fine with that.

Here’s what I’m not fine with: Disappointing the hell out of all of your fans with the definition of a “Solo Tour.” Apparently what the Band meant by “Solo Tour” was that there would be no Band at all. Yeah, Chris Carrabba, the lead singer would go on to play the entire concert by himself. I go to concerts for the full band; I want to see an array of musical talent displayed. Not just one guy playing a guitar. He’s talented, but what if I went to Disneyland, paid to get in, was excited about the whole park, and Mickey Mouse walked up and said, “Hey! Now that I have you all in here and have collected your money, I wanted to let you know that all the rides, shows and other things that make this theme park a fucking blast… will be closed today. But, don’t worry I’m still here!” Well, Mickey, I’m sure you are really awesome as the front man for Disneyland, but you're not even close to only thing that makes this park fun. Come to think of it, with out the rest of the park, you kind of suck.

And that’s how I felt about the Dashboard Show. I was extremely let down. So I just spent the rest of the show pointing out everything else that was pissing me off. While slouching down in the seat trying to un-gay myself in the midst thousands of moist girls who were all dolled up just to see Mr. Carrabba, here are a few things I noticed:

1.“We Love you Chris!” Yes, we heard you. So did he…the first eighty times. That’s what he does. He plays the Guitar on stage and even tells you how sexy he is in between songs. But you already know this or else you wouldn’t have paid the 40 bucks to see him play. Spare us the annoyance.
2. Carrabba insists that the audience sing in place of him for about 40% of every song. It’s a good thing all the fans studied up on their Dashboard lyrics before the show, or the rest of us would have been sitting there in total silence wondering why the fuck we bought a ticket. Oh, to sing the songs back to the person that wrote them? Ok. Sign me up.
3.This one actually goes for Jack’s Mannequin. If you have a hit song, or one in particular that is popular and catchy enough to get people to come to your show, you should do them a favor and play that song. Not some bullshit cover.

Done.

AJ

I lost my virginity when I was thirty-one years old to my second wife.

Sorry, about the title to the post. I always thought that would be a funny title although it doesn’t represent any truth about me whatsoever. It’s completely not true and you shouldn’t believe a word of it. I mean, really, I’ve never been married twice. So why would anyone believe that I lost it to my second wife. That doesn’t even make sense.

If you mention the word screenwriting, you will be bombarded with a million experts who have never sold a script. They will try to teach you the fundamentals of crafting your screenplay and how to promote it. They will teach you how to sell it. But wait, if they are spending all their time teaching you, then why aren’t they selling their own screenplay. That’s because they can’t and realized it would be much easier to teach you how and charge you money. I can tell anyone how to throw a ninety-mile an hour fastball but wouldn’t I have much more credibility if I had done it before?*

I make this point because one of the many words of wisdom out there is that you should write what you love. Well, I love to throw playing cards. Do you want to watch a movie about it? I’ve actually considered uploading my card throwing abilities on youtube. I actually hit Ben Stiller with a card in the forehead when he tried to improv a scene once. Ironically, his reaction to the card hitting him was the same reaction that his character has to everything in every one of his films. He did the freak out thing where he gets loud and he utters his words and does the little thing with his thumbs. I’m a big believer that when an actor plays the same character in every movie that the character should have the same name in every movie. Like, here’s Gaylord Focker and he’s gotten a divorce and now he’s married again in the Heartbreak kid, but wait he doesn’t like being married so he’s going to resort to being a male model again in Zoolander 2.

Here’s the point, if you are a screenwriter who wants to make it big in Hollywood, first of all get used to telling customer that your special for the day is slow roasted lamb with fresh cheese sauce. Next, never write what you love unless it’s also what Hollywood loves. Hollywood uses the reasonable person standard (that’s right I went to law school bitches) to determine what the country would love. A reasonable person is defined in the dictionary as, “one who has a redneck.” That’s right, rednecks make up about 75 percent of the population of this country. They are the only breed of stereotype who have successfully found their way into every corner of this country. If you really want to write a script that gets made and makes money, imagine you can’t wait for the next Nascar race, love moonpies, and think the Blue Collar guys are fucking geniuses.

*Footnote: I once threw a ninety-mile per hour fastball but it was out the window of a Porsche going approximately ninety miles per hour.

Oh, I almost forgot. If you would like for us to consider your unsolicited, error-ridden screenplay for a possible film to put on our pre-production slate, please send it to:
Who gives a shit about your terrible screenplay when we can make Deuce Bigalow Part 3 Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90064

PS: We don't care how many holes are punched in it as long as it really gets its message across. Please put a large graphic on the title page so we can get a feel for your movie. Also, it would really help us out if you could go ahead and cast the movie with potential A-list actors that you could see playing our parts. Go ahead and choose the director as well. Please remember that we don't like to make small budget movies so go crazy with the car chase and bomb scenes! Don’t forget to write about what you love.

LD

Branch like Michelle

Friend and I share a passion for both television and film. We tried to split the passion up one time. He was going to take TV, and I was going to take the movies. But we couldn’t do it. We each loved them both too much to part ways. That would be like telling a Divorcee she can only keep one of her two kids, while the other one has to go live with their abusive, alcoholic father. I’m not saying Friend is either abusive or alcoholic, but he has been known to drink a few Heinekens and throw things. One night after a brainstorming session, he launched my saltshaker off the upstairs balcony. The thing damn near cleared an entire city block. I would have been impressed if I didn’t already know he played baseball back in college.

I knew I would never see my saltshaker again, but that magnificent toss got me thinking athletically. (Trust me, this never happens) Sports. What if we started to branch out Studio X? Friend and I had always talked about expansion, and this would be perfect for him. It could be his little personal passion within the studio. And I would have nothing to do with it because I fucking hate sports. Well, I would bang David Beckham’s wife, but that’s about it.

So here we are…two saltshakers later, and a new Sports Branch of the Studio. I was happy for friend because he finally had some people to talk teams and players with. Well, he might call it talking. It looked like yelling to me. Every time I go over there to visit and see how things are running, he's up in some new agent’s face threatening their career. He has all his new employee’s pissing their pants at the very thought of disappointing him. It’s really quite impressive.

So, with friend out ordering around his new team like a bunch of Nazi soldiers, I started to get lonely. Well, not so much lonely…I just wanted something like that to call my own. This problem was solved before it ever really became a problem. The only other form of popular entertainment that wasn’t being represented by our studio was music. I had been a musician all most my entire life, and always thought of it as a Plan B incase this whole film thing never worked out. Fortunately it did work out…very well, and from that point I just kind of left music behind.

Studio X launched its record label just last month, and I’ve actually been out signing artist myself. After it gets old I will let my A&R people start doing it, but right now they just wash my car whenever I tell them to. In college, I would be playing local bar shows with my band, Autifoy, and praying that after each gig, some Label Scout would walk up to us and ask if we wanted to sign a record contract. Well, now I’m that guy, and it’s so fun to have control over another person's fate like that. You may not think it’s fair, but it really is an even trade. I hear something I like; I change the lives of those responsible. See, I knew if I tired hard enough I could make it all the way through a blog without referencing a single pair of boobies. And no, that didn’t count as a boob ref, I checked with the judges.

AJ

Pre-Production Blues

Movies get on my nerves. You write a script and then you revise it. Then, you revise it again. Then, you get yelled at and revise it again. You get the picture. Then, if you’re lucky, you whore yourself out to someone you can’t fucking stand like Lindsay Lohan. Please Lindsay, I know that your your abilities and firecrotch would be great in this film. I’ve got a role for both, and I believe that you could win best actress while your firecrotch is sure to take home best supporting actress. After that, you go to every studio in town and you tell them where you stand. If you have a first look deal (like we do with Paramount) you have to go to them first even though you don’t think they’ll do justice to the film. You tell them that you have Lindsay Lohan attached to this script, but you’re still in talks with her firecrotch.

They’re either going to pass, (which is extremely rare because Friend and I have a proven track record for making hits), green light the project immediately (which is also extremely rare because studios are owned by corporate entities who don’t make immediate, intuitive decisions), or put it on the shelf (which is the standard). Basically, they don’t want to make the movie, but they also don’t want anyone else to make it. So, they give you enough option money to keep it on the shelf until either the material outdates itself or you're working on a movie they want to do.

By the time you have cleared a few weeks while Lindsay is out of rehab to make the movie and you’ve cleared a few hours while firecrotch isn’t hugging and asking her friends to come inside and look around you’ve got your lead actress but the movie is dead. You tell the actress that the movie is on hold so they change their schedule. You go back and tell the studio that you have the actress, so it comes alive again. Pre-production usually means no production. Movies live and die in pre-production.

So that’s where we stand now. We’re floating in the magical land of pre-production. We love Jennifer Morrison and we think that she’s exactly what we’re looking for. I suggested Jenna Fischer from “The Office” but we ultimately determined that she’s too plain Jane for us. As soon as Jennifer got the script and made a verbal commitment, we went back to the studio. They said she wasn’t a big enough star. I completely sold her and the studio agreed. I go back to her and she’s making some dumbass comedy with Rob Schneider called Big Stand. I would tell you the logline, but I only have so much time too live and can’t waste time on pre-fabricated movies that were made up in some movie factory to appeal to fucking retards that have ten bucks for a movie ticket. Look it up for yourself on imdbpro. If you don’t have imdbpro-pay for it.

Well, I’ve got a meeting in five minutes with Don LoFontaine (the movie guy who does all the voiceovers). He’s doing the voiceover work for my nieces soccer banquet. He owes me a favor for when I let him hang out on set during a famed actresses’ topless scene. Would tell you who it is, but I’d rather work with her again. If you’re curious, they looked like this (.)(.).

LD

Position Filled

Finally. I got lucky and cast this fucker while Friend was in the Fried Chicken State, or whatever Kentucky’s nickname is. I know California is the Golden State, I forgot the others. Or maybe I wasn’t paying attention. We learned the 50 state’s nicknames in the sixth grade, and that’s when girls started to sprout boobies. What was I supposed to do? Pretend I gave a shit that someone once suggested that Iowa be forever referred to as “The Hawkeye State” in tribute to Indian Leader Chief Black Hawk? No. My classroom was filled with a bunch of once-flat-chested 12-year-old girls who magically erupted into C-cups over the summer break. If Social Studies was that mind blowing, I pinky promise I would have been paying attention.

We decided to go with Jennifer Morrison for the part. She was awesome on the first three seasons of House M.D. The network must have thought so too when they decided to show their appreciation by making her character resign out from under Dr. House and be forced to continue working in a less camera worthy Unit of the same Hospital. Some people over at Fox tried to call me in regards to this decision. I didn’t answer. Of course they left a message flipping out about scheduling conflicts and such, but I don’t think they will have too hard of a time getting in her shots. She has a lousy 45 seconds of screen time or less during each hour-long episode. That’s why I wanted to steal her away. With our studio’s reputation for winning statues, even she will be telling them to go fuck their selves.

Punch me in the face and call me Gumby. I forgot about meeting up with my therapist. I was supposed to be doing this blog so I could stop going to that cunt, now it’s making me miss my sessions. I’m kidding. I love my time with Dr. Houston, but if I catch any lip over this or if she even thinks about telling me to nix the blogging now that I’m actually enjoying it, I will choke slam that overpriced bitch right through her coffee table. Again, I’m only kidding, and not just because I assume she will be reading this, I just thought that situation might be funny: The Coroner shows up on the scene of the murder to meet with his team of Medical Examiners, and they are discussing with LAPD the cause of death. Everyone seems puzzled, but one of the young new guys walks up to the Police Chief after thinking he’s put this whole thing together and says, “Sir, umm, I think she was choke slammed.”

AJ

The Week My Boss Saw My Boobs....Three Times Part 2

First, let me say that I hold a law degree from Duke. I am a professional woman who wants nothing more than to
make it in this industry. Monday morning-very uncomfortable to say the least. At this time, I was dating a guy who moved to NYC after college. I told him that my boss saw my breasts and he freaks out and gets all jealous.

I tell him that it was clearly an accident and that he has seen my boobs many more times than my boss has-sorry mom. It's been three weeks since I've seen him at this time, and he starts saying that he knows that he's seen my boobs more but they may have changed since he saw them last. I tell him that they haven't changed, but he keeps pressing the issue to where we can't have a normal conversation without my boobs taking over.

Finally, being the excellent negotiator that I am from law school, I suggest that I'll send him a current picture of my boobs so he can tell that they haven't changed. Of course, he agrees. I take the picture the picture on Monday night. I'll admit it, I took the picture like fifty times from different angles. I sent the picture to him at like three in the morning before work hoping and praying that this discussion will be over the next day. The title said, "My two titties for my itty bitty." That's a nickname I call him. Yeah, weird time in my life. Get over it.

I go to work on Tuesday and the tension is just killing me. Every time I see LD, I can't help but to think that he's imagining his assistant holding his Blackberry standing topless in front of him. So I decide to go have a conversation with him. He's at an all day meeting over at CAA and won't be back until 5. I really wanted to get this off my chest. Sorry for the pun. To see if the problem with my boyfriend is alleviated, I call him at lunch. I ask him about the picture and he asks me when I'm going to send it.

I rush back to my email and yup, you guessed it. Sent it to LD by accident. I rush back into his office hoping to fix this problem. I try everything to break into his email. The phone keeps ringing so I'm running back and forth to his office trying to delete this picture. Finally, I have the first assistant come into his office. I close the door and tell him my problem. Being the male dominated mind that he is, he tells me that the only way he's giving me the password to LD's email is if I show him my boobs also. Listen, I'm not a slut. Really. But at this moment, I knew my professional career was on the
line.

I tell him that if he opens the email, I'll let him see the picture. He reasons that he could already do that on his own and plus he wants to see real life hooters. Am I in seventh grade? He says that I have to show them for ten seconds. I can't believe I am telling this story. Well, here I go, boobs in the open air trying to save my job.

LD bursts through the door chatting away on his phone. I'm still showing my boobs to the assistant. Being a veteran at this
situation now, I just turn to LD and show him as well. He says, "I'll call you back." Hangs up. Looks at me. "Do you really want me to see your tits or something?" Wow. He tells assistant number one to get out and tells me I'm fired. I start crying and tell him the wholestory. He softens a bit until I get to the bribe part about assistant number one. This pisses him off, and I mean he loved this kid.

As for me, I got to keep my job and my dignity. As for assistant number one, the last I heard he moved back to Michigan after he couldn't even get a job at Starbucks. The guy had a Harvard MBA and got blacklisted throughout LA. The cool thing about it was that LD never told the story to anyone. He said I would eventually get the chance to tell it on my own terms-so here it is. As for the picture, LD says it's stored away in an email account somewhere just waiting to
be posted on Perez Hilton if I ever screw him over. Hey, he's not the head of one of the most prolific studios in Hollywood because he's stupid.

SM

The Week My Boss Saw My Boobs....Three Times Part 1

I am a beautiful small planet that has the privilege to work under the
sun on a daily basis. A million comets and asteroids would give
anything to be in my solar position.

Hello all: I'm LD's second assistant Sadie. He makes me say things
like that on a daily basis because he thinks it's funny. Don't get me wrong, Studio X is the best place any assistant in this town could work. LD stopped off in Kentucky on his way back from the Yankees game to see his parents. He claims that they don't have internet there so he needed me to post for him. He has been getting his pilot's license for six months and he does great while in the air, but he can't land. He freaks out once the plane starts going down and refuses to be in the cockpit.

So in the sake of comic relief, LD wanted me to relay the story about
the time he saw my boobs. This is possibly the most embarrassing
story of my entire life, but if you want to move up in Hollywood you have to do as you're told. I was nearly fired for this big misunderstanding, and I had no idea what was going on, with my life being the sitcom that it is.

So here goes. LD and AJ along with some other investors, bought a
nice pad out in Malibu in the summer of 2006. The place needed some
renovations before they put in back on the market. So they decided to
have a massive beach party while the place was being worked on. I had been working at the office for two weeks (that's right two weeks before my boss saw my boobs).

So I show up to the party in a sundress, trying to be as professional
as possible for my first office party. The party is going along well
and everyone is drinking and having a good time. AJ introduced me to
Ryan Reynolds and I thought I was going to faint after he ripped off
his shirt on the way to the beach. Everyone cleared out of the house
before I realized that I had forgot my bathing suit.

I relayed my problem to AJ and he relayed it to LD's wife. She said
that she had an extra bathing suit in the bedroom and for me to find
one that fits. By this time everyone has left for the beach and I go
into the bedroom to change. Bottoms are on and I'm just trying to
figure out if this top ties in the front or the back. A Blackberry on
the bed begins to ring and I hear footsteps. I pick up the Blackberry
to see who's calling. The door swings open with LD standing at the
door.

Here's the thing. He doesn't freak out. Doesn't even blink an eye.
He looks me right in the eye and then looks down at my breasts. Looks back in my eyes and quickly says, "nice." And walks out. The most awkard moment of my entire life. This story is far from over, and it only gets more embarrassing as it goes along. Stick around for part 2.

SM

Something for Everyone

While Friend and his brother were at the baseball game, I decided
that I also needed to get on a plane and fly off to do something
entertaining. Get away for a day, and do something that I actually
found interesting. It’s not that I think baseball is the most boring
sport in the world, golf is. Baseball is number two, and it even
duked it out with NASCAR there for a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I would never watch any of them, but if I had to…I think I will side with this redneck I was forced to sit next to at a bar one time back in
college. He said he could sit and bare the sight of a bunch of cars
driving really fast around the exact same fucking circle for five
hours just for the small chance that one of them might crash into
another car causing a massive pile up of destruction and death.

Personally, I will take my money to Vegas. And I did. I had my driver
pick up Jeff, my set designer, and we headed out within the hour.
That’s the great thing about LA, Vegas is just a three and half hour
drive away. However, that drive sucks on the way home if you didn’t
win any money. Since I’m not the greatest gambler in the world, I
just started flying.

Jeff was killing it at the roulette table, and I was almost to the
point to where if I kept going, I was going to have to sign over my
house to the Bellagio. Since I love my new house, I left Jeff in the
casino and went walking around the shops. I was enjoying a Wetzel’s
Pretzel Dog while sitting on a bench located right in front of Prada
and Gucci. I thought back to college when I was young and broke, and
used to see stores like that and say to myself “If I were rich, I
would buy all my girlfriends a Prada Bag and give it to them looking
like a total badass in some Gucci Sunglasses.” Now, that I am rich I
don’t buy any of that shit. I spend all my money on art, and
investments, and tons of other things that would seem totally boring
to the non-rich.

When you’re a filmmaker, the word “boring” cannot be associated with you in any way possible or people will refuse to pay 14 dollars to watch your work. So my pretzel dog and I went into both Prada and
Gucci and made some rather large purchases. I stocked up on them
equally. I figured with Halloween right around the corner, I could
give each kid that came trick-or-treating at my house a Prada Bag
with a pair of Gucci sunglasses inside. This way, when Tobey Maguire
thinks he’s the cool guy on the block cause he’s giving out regular
Butterfinger bars instead of the fun sized ones, the kids will just
tell Spiderman that his candy is almost as boring as his love scenes
with Mary Jane.

AJ

October Baseball

I never thought I’d see the day when it would be ten degrees hotter in NYC than LA in the middle of October. Well it is my friends, and we’re living it. I’m in NYC scouting locations aka going to the Yankees game. I’ve been a Red Sox fan all my life and after catching the sweep in Anaheim yesterday I decided to take the red eye to NYC to watch Joe Torre lose his job. Steinbrenner claims that Torre is gone if he loses the series. He said that to the media before the Yankees are even finished with the series.

Do you have any idea how wonderfully great that is? What if I told the LA Times that if my movie doesn’t make it’s money back the director will never work in this town again before the production started. I’ve always wanted to buy a baseball team. Don’t get me wrong I’m doing pretty well in the money department, but I would have to put up the studio as collateral and Friend wouldn’t be to keen on that idea because he doesn’t really care for the sport.

I’ve got a lot of great ideas to bring fan interest back to baseball. Okay, number one: one game a year I have a midget play shortstop. Even if you hate baseball you would have to come to the game to watch a midget play shortstop. Number two: for one at bat a year the baseball will be switched for a grenade. Spice things up a bit. Number three: first five thousand attendees get a free steroid syringe. Number four: each inning the drunkest member in each section gets the microphone to heckle players in the stadium. Number five: every game we give away something that we know will be thrown on the field at the opposing players, but we still make an announcement not to throw things on the field. We'll have battery give away, and free baseball sunday and free Ninja throwing star tuesday. Okay, I’ve really got to get this production schedule in order. Investors are getting pissed because we haven’t casted it, and we’re really falling behind schedule because the prostitute role is still up in the air.

LD

Yankees Game

At the Yanks/Indians game. Sweating my balls off. I'll post in a bit.

Sent from my iPHONE

Another Day at the Office

I was supposed to go to a luncheon for some screen actors film charity guild shit today. It doesn’t really matter what you call it. It’s the same crew at every one of them. Everyone lies to each other about what project they’re working on and underestimates what they actually made off every film. If anyone actually knew what studios made off certain movies Hollywood would go bankrupt in two weeks because greedy actors and nerdy screenwriters would burn down most of the buildings.

I didn’t go to the luncheon because…I didn’t go to the luncheon. Friend and I were trying to add some more action to the script because I keep feeling that it’s too talky. We kept going over ideas and eventually had a contest to see who could make the best paper airplane. The paper I had was too thin, so I had my assistant bring me the stack of resumes we had from job applicants and all the scripts that flood our doors everyday. Congratulations to Danny Ingold. The cover page of your Pulp Fiction meets the Notebook script was the leading paper airplane.

Still looking over possible actresses for the prostitution role. We auditioned some no names earlier, but no dice. I thought we had a winner with this girl named Samantha Johnson. She offered to perform certain acts on Friend to score the role. We didn’t know if that was part of her audition, a casual suggestion or a firm offer. This film is racking my brain. If anyone has any casting ideas for the role, please leave them below. Off to get a massage.

LD

Casting

The things that came out of their mouths when auditioning for the
prostitution role made me sick. When Friend and I were contemplating this Olsen thing, it started off as a joke. We were settled on Scarlett Johansson and finally we were like, Scarlett is in every movie that requires a young woman to play a serious part. And she's a great actress but I can't ever take her seriously because she's sporting an e-cup, and the whole time she's trying to make me believe in her character, all I can do is stare at her hooters just trying to imagine how huge they can possibly be and why the other actors on set aren't constantly asking if they can see and/or feel her boobs.

So we're contemplating young actresses to throw in the young
prostitute role, and he suggests the Olsen twins because if one of
them pulls a Lily Tomlin on the set, we'll fire her and hire the
other. That's the last I heard of it, but I show up at the studio
today and they're both sitting in the lobby. They both spring to
their feet and start telling me how much they love the script and the
role.

Mary-Kate blew Ashley away, and we really didn't know what to do. I
finally got up the courage to tell Ashley that she wasn't getting the
role, and it turns out I was talking to Mary Kate. I kept confusing
them, so I hatched this plan that I thought was brilliant. I told my
assistant to spill his Jamba Juice on Mary Kate so I could tell them apart.

I was able to tell them apart especially when Mary Kate told me that
she would never work with our studio again and that she told her
sister Ashley that I said she was a shitty actress. In situations
like this I really wish I could keep my mouth shut, but it doesn't
look like it's happening anytime soon. I told her that I would
blacklist her all over town, that she and Ashley's best gig in the
coming years would be a doublemint commercial, and that even Uncle
Jessie couldn't get her out of this mess. Back to the drawing board.

LD

And Twins

I had my assistant set me up a lunch with the Olsen Twins. I was in the mood for sushi. I started the conversation with the twins by saying, “Listen, I’m going to win one of you an Oscar. I don’t care which one of you it is, just decide later and let me know.” This town can get upset with me if they want, but I am sick of them both showing up on set to play one character. They split the scenes, do half the work, and take home twice the money. Fuck that. I’m ready to do a movie that breaks up the monotony of a single fertilized egg splitting into two.

They didn’t act like it during the lunch, but I have a feeling that they are both secretly jazzed about the opportunity to escape their all of the sudden not so interesting lives. They’re twins, we get it…and now were over it. They have to be sick of doing movies together anyways. How old would it get to continue hearing different variations of this pitch: “Ok, you two play twin sisters on the cheerleading squad and you have both fallen for the captain of the football team and he cant tell you apart and… NEXT!

I really hope that one of them just isn’t in the mood for signing contracts this week. I’d hate to have to audition them both for the same part. How awkward would that be? It’s not like I can tell Mary-Kate that she didn’t have the look I was going for, she competed against an exact replica. Personally, I like the ring “Ashley Olsen” has to it better, but it’s unfair for me to take that kind of bias just because I know they will call out her name in the Kodak Theater come February. I guess it would be more diplomatic to just flip a coin.

AJ