Seasons Greetings

Friends and Fellow bloggers,

Friend and I are home for the holidays, and will be here for a few days to spend some time with our fam’s. We will be departing for our annual holiday trip to the big apple at the end of the week. As I typed that I just realized how much I hate it when people refer to NYC as “The Big Apple.” I hate it almost as much as I hate when someone says “Mornin’ Sunshine!” Congradja-fucking-lations, you woke up before me. I’m still on LA time, which means your 8am is my 5am, and I don’t want to be up at 5am. So don’t give me any shit when I wake up at 11. I bought this house, and I will sleep in it as long as I want.

Anyways, back to business. Blog business that is. As a result of the Holiday Season, Friend and I will be away from our computers a lot, so we might not be posting daily as usual. iPhones might be used to relay interesting encounters, but that’s about it.

We set three very important production employee ground rules when we started studio X.
1. Everyone gets paid on Friday.
2. Crew will always have good food to eat on set.
3. Everyone will have the holiday off to spend with their families.

So, even though we aren’t paying you or feeding you for reading our blog, we are asking you to take rule number three into consideration. Spend some time with your familes and check back with us after the holidays. We’ll be here when you return, we promise. Now for some late night talk show reruns…..

AJ

My Life and My Wife

My wife has never really been into the whole celebrity thing, but she loves the Hollywood lifestyle. She’s always been a networker and a greeter. She loves interaction whereas I’m more introverted. It has been said that you can differentiate between an extrovert and an introvert based upon where their energy comes from. An extrovert gets his or her energy from interacting with others and an introvert gets his or her energy from alone time. I’m an introvert with extrovert tendencies, which means I can be as good as an extrovert in a social setting but I just have to work a lot harder.

When you become big in Hollywood, you get a publicist. Your manager tells you what steps you should take in your career to better your longevity. Your agent solicits new work and advises you on projects. Your publicists tells you what steps to take to improve your image in the perception of the public and future employers (such as myself).

The first thing a publicist will often tell a new client is that he or she needs to date a celebrity. This is usually true because the relationship will raise the status of both celebrities because now they are a unified front and get a name like Brangelina. This is advisable for anyone in the business because it’s hard for an outsider to understand the pressures and the lifestyles of this business. The industry can make you nuts and that’s hard to take in from (as I like to call it) a Johnny Random perspective.

My wife and I have to find ways to balance out our lives. She is usually busier than I am hosting parties and doing charity events. If you add shopping to that schedule you’ve got a full day. I go to bed in the wee hours of the morning and get up at the crack of dawn. She’s usually off and running before I even get ready and it takes her a long time to get ready. We live and learn and we made a decision early in our marriage to not let this business ruin us, and with effort we’ve made it work.

LD

Music Videos

Music Videos are an amazing form of art that combines two things I am extremely passionate about: Music and Film. I’ve directed a hand full of music videos in my day, and still will consider it if something mind-blowing should present itself. Sadly, I haven’t seen a good treatment attached to a good song in a while.

I feel like a lot of people have given up on music videos. They used to be an awesome outlet for CD promotion, and overall band recognition, but it seems is if they are falling off the face by the day. MTV figured out that they could make more money off of hooking an audience to a series of bullshit reality shows than to play actual music videos at any time.

It’s true though; Music Videos are a hard sell. Not many people are willing to sit and watch hours of music vids. They can’t hold interest because of the need to appeal to several genres at once. If a particular viewer isn’t into rap, they are going to flip around while the Soulja Boi video is playing. That wouldn’t be so horrible if MTV could guarantee that the viewer would come right back to see the next video, but they cant.

I remember a day when people would watch MTV all day long just for the chance to catch the Michael Jackson – “Thriller” video from the beginning. I wish it would go back to that: Fans sitting around waiting to see their favorite band’s video. It’s cheaper than a movie, you can talk to your friends while you wait, and you get to listen to good music videos in the mean time. Sounds like a win win…win.

If it weren’t for Youtube, I would never see current music videos. This does of course eliminate the waiting process, but for what sacrifice? I have to watch it in a little 3-inch box on my computer screen instead of on my new Panasonic 103-inch plasma. (If you have 70K to spare, I recommend the hell out of this TV.)



Since MTV wont play em, I’m going to pay homage to some music videos in an art form that never seizes to put a smile on my face: Artist who learn their entire song in reverse. This always makes for an interesting playback in the right direction, and leaves everyone else wondering how the hell they were able to match up their mouth movement with the lyrics. Sorry, I just gave away the secret. Enjoy.

Coldplay - "The Scientist"


Jack Johnson - "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"


Mute Math - "Typical"


AJ

Round 1

So I went to the Mayweather Hatton fight in Vegas this weekend. I just got back from Vegas today. The fight was beautiful with Floyd “Money” Mayweather knocking out Ricky Hatton in the tenth round. It seemed like everyone wanted Hatton to win because he was the underdog. I’ve never really been into these underdog stories.

People want the underdog to win because as humans we crave equity. The assumption exists in our minds that life is supposed to be fair, and I’ve got bad news for you…it’s not. Floyd Mayweather is the best pound for pound fighter in the world, and he will be the first to tell you. He talked so much shit before the fight about how he was going to kill Hatton and he did.

What’s greater and more difficult? To be a little underdog and land a lucky punch to take down the great one or to be consistently good all the time. That’s the harder thing to do in life and it takes much more work. That’s what we pride our studio on and our careers.

In listening to Steve Martin’s audiobook Born Standing Up, he made a quote that I have modeled my life around. I don’t remember the exact words but involved something like, “Everyone has a great night, but the only ones that are remembered are the ones that are consistently good every night.” And he went on to explain that’s why he shot for being good every night instead of being great.

It’s time that this society embraced the motto that only the strong survive and that winners keep on winning. It’s time that we quit searching for equity and start paving our own way. It’s time that we embrace the fact that those who have tons of money and talent worked for every bit of it. There’s an opportunity cost for everything so lets quit rooting for the underdog.

LD

Hollywood Hook-ups.

When I was just a growing pup in the industry, I always loved listening to stories from people that had been in the game longer than me. There were always new aspects of this whole thing that I couldn’t get enough of. I was a PA living vicariously through the people higher up. Even if it was an Industry Related person telling a Non-Industry story, it still seemed “industry” to me. Tom Hanks could talk about his antique typewriter collection for 2 hours, I still listened.

Now that I have been around for a while, and am in a position of power, I have accumulated a pretty decent amount of stories. However I don’t assume that everyone wants to hear them. I usually wait until someone asks me a related question before I just openly break out into story time.

Someone recently asked me if because I’m a bachelor and the head of a major studio, have I ever slept around with any famous women. Even if I did, I wouldn’t openly write about it in my blog. I wouldn’t have to. Us Weekly would write about it for me. It has happened before, and it’s just something you have to get used to out here.

People are always searching for celebrity gossip, and if none exist, they will just make it up. I have several friends that are actresses. If I take one of them out to eat to discuss a role, or to a Premiere as a friend, then the next morning all the tabloids say we’re dating. I just think it’s funny. Not many people outside of the industry know what I look like anyways.

There was this one time I hooked up with one of the girls off that show “The Hills.” (I don’t really care to discuss which one) But as non-famous as I considered the people on that show at the time, they were always in the news about something. It was weird how it happened, she just yanked me into the girl’s bathroom by my collar and started making out with me. My pants ended up around my ankles, and before I could even figure out how she did that trick, the door swung wide open. I saw three camera flashes go off before it closed shut.

I thought about going to the owner, who was a good friend of mine, and asking him to make everyone exit through the door with the metal detectors….where I would be standing on the other side like airport security ready to buy every shitty consumer digital camera that set the alarm off. I didn’t end up doing that though. I figured with the other girl who opened the bathroom door blocking most of the shot, mixed with the bad angle and short amount of time the door was actually open… any picture that was taken, probably didn’t capture anything worth publishing.

I was right. The next day, no photos were seen of me…. or her. I saw a publication that used another picture of her and the caption said “_______ _______ from ‘The Hills’ was caught making out with some no-named loser in the bathroom of a Beverly Hills hot spot last night.” Hilarious. She is a shitty scripted reality TV star, and that makes me a no-named loser studio CEO. At least that’s anonymous. I would rather be the only who knows who that loser is than for people to actually think I associate with that bitch and her pant removing voodoo.

AJ

Another Day Another Goodbye

Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday. We were in San Francisco scouting out locations for the Prostitution movie. I was planning to post after we were done on the plane on the way back but a medical emergency halted that. Well, I don’t know if I would call it an emergency but it seemed pretty intense when it happened.

Have you ever done something and then afterwards you wonder why the fuck you did it? You think…did that serve any purpose whatsoever and what was I trying to accomplish by doing that. That happened to me yesterday, and I still don’t know why I did what I did. And now all I have to show for it is a hospital bill and hopefully not a lawsuit.

We had a good majority of the production team on location as well. On the plane on the way over, the cinematographer said something that pissed me off. He said that he didn’t like the films ending and then he referenced a movie done by one of competitors as an example of a good ending.

I didn’t want to hire this asshole in the first place, but he came as a packaged deal with the director on the film. Agencies won’t give you anyone anymore unless you buy the whole package. We stopped by a little French Cuisine restaurant on the way back, and he says that if it were up to him he would have casted the movie differently. Finally, I snapped off and told him to shut his damn mouth or he would be out of the project for good.

He told me that I didn’t have the power to put him out of the project because he was attached with the director. He said I didn’t want to ruin my relationship with the agency. Do you think I give a shit about an agency? An agency? I told him if he said one more word he was gone. He quickly turned away and started to walk to the bathroom. I heard him mutter something under his breath that consisted of me being a hack.

As soon as I heard it I picked up the saltshaker on the table and chucked it at the back of his head. I saw the whole thing in slow motion and it spun end over end until it struck him right in the cranium. A saltshaker (stay with me here) a saltshaker split his head open and required nine stitches. The doctor told us later that the gash was further complicated by the amount of salt that fell in his wound when it struck. True story.

So, he’s off the project, and we’re in negotiations to bring the director back. At this point I don’t really give a shit. I just wish I’d thrown the pepper to save some money.

The Price is Right

I was over on the CBS lot the other day taking care of some stuff, and I bumped into Drew Carey. Nice guy. Reminded me that I have yet to watch an episode of Price is Right since he’s been hosting. I used to watch that show all time when I was a kid. I’ve heard a few comedians do bits about that show, and I don’t care to elaborate on anything that they’ve discussed but, but I do have a story that is from a different view point that I wouldn’t mind sharing.

Back when I first moved to LA, before I had a job or anything, My Mom and Grandmother came out to visit me. My Grandmother had been watching The Price is Right since it started back 1972. I thought it would be a nice surprise to take her to see the show live. So I got us some tickets, and we did just that. Being in LA opens that door to see a live taping of almost any show. I remember back when I used to watch it, at the end of the show it would always say: “If you would like become a contestant on the Price is Right….” Fuck yeah I would! “…..and will be in the Los Angeles Area….” SHIT!

So now that I had arrived, why not? Go in, sit down, get your name called, play a game, and win a NEW CAAAAR! Sounds easy right? Wrong! First off, once you get your kickass Price is Right name tag, you have to wait in line for about 4 hours. Normally I wouldn’t mind as much, but when you have your grandmother with you and it’s hot outside (on top of how hot she already is from thinking about Bob Barker)… you start to become concerned. One thing that was playing out was that you didn’t have to wait in line standing up. There were benches. Really long, line-waiting benches.

I went to a near by Coke machine, and got a Sprite for each of us. When I got back, my mom was talking to this girl who was now sitting in my seat. Sarah was her name. I know this because everyone at the Price is Right is on a first name basis. They say “Cheers” is a place where everybody knows your name…that’s bullshit, The Price is Right is. It’s funny too because they have to write your real first name on the tag just as it would appear on your birth certificate. No nicknames are allowed. Even if your name is Michael, and you’ve always went by Mike….still no. So my grandmother stopped this one gentleman, and asked him how he was able to get his nickname on his tag. He responded with: “I didn’t, this is my real name.” I looked down at his tag to see the name: “Poncho.” To keep from laughing my ass off, I just turned over to talk to Sarah.

We continued to talk for a while. She explained to me that her mother was on the show back in 1985, and won a lamp. She said her mother now had to walk to work because of car troubles, and she just wanted to get on the show and win a car for her mom. What a very kind and generous girl. Its people like her that you hope get on the show and do really well. But, sadly enough, your kindness doesn’t get you on the show. Your enthusiastic personality does. Yeah, they interview every single person before you go in to decide who should get called on stage. Three question interview: Name? Hometown? Occupation? See how creative you can be with that.

At this point they were putting us into an order that was decided by when you reserved your tickets. Sarah had to move up to the front of the line, cause apparently she camped out all night to get on the show. So on her way up there, Little Miss Generosity was gathering up her things, and packed up my Sprite in the process. She took off with it, and I never saw it again.

Once we got to our seats I saw her sitting a few rows up from us. I yelled out her name to get her attention and asked her why she had to be such a Sprite-stealing bitch. She was like: “Oh was that yours? I am so sorry, I was wondering why I was carrying around a random Sprite.” Fair enough, accidents happen. You had to throw away your drinks when you entered the studio anyways.

They called down the first 4 contestants, and Sarah ended up being one of them. “First Item up for bid Bob”…she ended up being the first contestant up on stage. “What’s she playing for?” You guessed it: a Car. First game… a Car. She won it too. She re-told the "mom walking to work" story to Bob right after she won it.

Sarah made it all the way to the showcase showdown and was the top bidder. Everyone always passes on the first showcase because the second one almost always has the car in it. But not the kind and generous Sarah. She said “I’m going to go ahead and bid on this one, so that maybe he (her competitor) will get the car…I’ve already won one today.” Now everyone thinks this girl is a saint. Saints are good people, and good things happen to good people. She won her showcase within $250, which meant that she got both showcases. Sarah walked away with two cars, a bedroom set, snowboarding equipment, luggage, a trip to Cape Cod, and a 5,000 bucks cash off her bonus spin. Wow.

I kept waiting for her to take her generosity to the extreme, grab that stupid looking microphone away from Bob and say: “I would like to give away my second car to this guy in the audience. I stole his Sprite earlier and I just feel so bad about it.” But, I guess she didn’t feel bad about it, cause she didn’t give me shit.

While were one the subject… I would also like to share with you the funniest Price is Right clip I have ever seen. Please Enjoy:



AJ

Reindeer Humping

Why or how do reindeers hump you ask? Well that’s an amazingly dumb question that warrants a very intelligible response. I’ll try my best to define it for you. Reindeer humping involves the human placement of lawn reindeer Christmas decorations in a manner that resembles procreation. In other words, you pull up to a house, jump out of the car and set up the reindeers to look like they’re humping each other. It works perfectly because the first reindeer always has his head down like he’s pulling the sleigh. Then, you prop the second one up behind him and it looks like a perfect reverse reindeer humping position.

Then, the amazing part happens, which is enough to brighten even the most depressed person’s day. You have to drive about a mile down the road. Then, you turn around and pretend like you don’t know what you just did and observe the house from an outsider’s perspective. And it all it’s glorious magnitude are two reindeers grinding right in the middle of a wonderful Christmas scene. There’s nothing better. You know some old guy gets up for work at 6:30 in the morning, walks outside and laughs his ass of at the site of his reindeer making passionate love.

Now that you understand the objective, let me tell you the story. Friend and I aren’t old but we’re also not as young as we used to be. But we made a promise early in this business to never lose the kid in us. So, we make it a yearly tradition to make all the reindeers hump and it’s much more fun in Beverly Hills than in Kentucky. The only difference is you have to climb a lot more gates here. So a couple of years ago Friend and I went on our journey.

When you are a media mogul you are always going to have competition and we are no different. The head of another prestigious studio in town is always trying to one up us in everything we do, and we had our assistants scope out his place. We found out that he had the most wonderful reindeer scene in Los Angeles, and we decided to make it one big orgy. Normally, we take the assistants out and make them do the dirty work but this one involved our own sweat and blood. So, we packed up Friend’s Hummer that I gave him and packed hedge clippers, string, duct tape, night vision goggles, and dressed to the nines in our all black gear.

The assistant pulls up and Friend I jump out of the car. We have an elaborate plan to scale the fence and Friend is going to start clipping the wires that separate the reindeers while I start applying the string to hold them together. I get stuck on the damn fence and Friend has to pull me over. We get the reindeers separated and we finally get them set up in orgy position. We are both laughing our asses off and we really should have left at this point, but we were thirsty for blood. We wanted more, and that’s when I made the biggest mistake of the night. I pulled out my Sharpie Mini.

The Sharpie Mini is for emergencies only, and I only use it when I need to write out loud. And this was definitely a situation that called for it because I was about to draw the most elaborate penis of all time on the inflatable snowman. I draw a perfect penis in shape and form and once again I should have been satisfied, but I had to draw the veins. The damn veins. Why do I have to be a perfectionist and have to draw a realistic penis and not just leave it as a cartoonish symbol. As I’m crafting the veins the house alarm goes off and th front door swings open and the studio head runs out the door. He catches Friend trying to scale the fence and me completing my masterpiece snowman penis.

It was an uncomfortable conversation to say the least, and we all had a big laugh about it afterwards. I bought him a whole new Christmas set for his front yard. That shit is expensive and I feel like I own a piece of his front yard, and since it is my decoration set Friend and I are going out this weekend to set the orgy up again. Only this time there won’t be any hitches in the plan.

LD

Tennis Ball Machine

UPDATE

So we've got the tennis ball machine on the roof of Sound Stage B. We are picking off assistants at will and now we are trying to shoot the striking writers signs. This came after I dug up my old catching gear and offered a thousand dollar bonus to any assistant who could actually catch a ball out of the machine. We make them get set up and then we just fire at will. What a great life.

LD

Sent from my iPhone

American Gladiators

That’s right boys and girls. If you haven’t heard by now, they are bringing back one of the greatest shows of all time: American Gladiators. The correct response to information as wonderful as that is: very intense smiling, instant reminiscing, and maybe even a little pant wetting. Please take a few moments to do those things.

Ok, as excited as you all probably are, Friend and I are even more excited. They sent the studio five VIP tickets to the Live Taping of the very first show. Friend and I obviously had first dibbs on the tickets. He took 3 of the 5 so that he could bring along his wife and his assistant. I grabbed the fourth for myself and just ripped up the last ticket so that no one would sit next to me. I like my personal space.

We’ve actually known about this for a while now, and I apologize for not posting on the subject sooner. The show tapes this Wednesday. I probably should have held out until afterwards to talk about it. But, if don’t get around to it, be sure to check out the show when it airs on Sunday January 6th. Click here for more information.

So, in the spirit of the Gladiators starting back up, Friend and I decided to display our childhood love for the show around the office. We thought about setting up a Joust in the break room, but taking someone down in the Joust would only be fun if everyone was around watching you. We didn’t want to create widespread unproductively, so we decided to do something a little more low-key.

Do you remember that badass, semi-automatic gun that the Gladiators would use to shoot tennis balls at the competitors? Yeah, Friend and I had one of those custom built and mounted on the top of Sound Stage B. All week, we’ve just stayed up there making anonymous calls to the mailroom. We send these kids out all over the lot on miscellaneous errands. As soon as they turn the corner where we can see them, we fucking wax their ass with fuzzy green balls. Yeah, it's as awesome as you might think. Especially if you used to watch the show and imagine how awesome it would be to have one of those guns.

There are still 22 days left until Christmas. Plenty of time to move that gun up to the top of your wish list. Key word in that last sentence was “wish.” Even Santa won’t be able to deliver on that kind of a present request. I checked. There are only two of those guns in existence today. One is on the Set of American Gladiators, and the other one belongs to us. Suck it.

AJ