Breaking In

I often get asked the age old question. How do I make it in Hollywood? That really depends on what you mean by making it and/or what you really want to do. I really can’t tell you how an actor makes it in the business or a director. The only way that I’ve personally seen people do well in those professions is to meet me. The only advice I can give is to tell people how I made it.

If you want anyone to give you anything you have to have something they want. I learned that after tons of letters and resumes went unanswered. I sent off scripts to studios and talent agencies. Some were returned unopened and most were probably tossed in the trashcan. I did everything I knew how to do to make my place in the business, but nothing ever really happened until I actually arrived in the city of angels.

Everyone is told that if you want to make it in Hollywood, naturally, you need to move to Hollywood. That’s true in theory, but the important thing to remember is that you have to plant your seed before you arrive. If you show up in this town with nothing, it’s like showing up to a golf game without any clubs. You need to have something that people want.

I knew that I could write screenplays, but I also knew that other people could as well. I knew that I was passionate about the business, but I also knew that other people were. That’s why I chose to go to law school. I needed something to set me apart from the competition. I needed a gimmick and law school gave me that edge. Sadly, the hardest thing about Hollywood is getting a foot in the door, and that’s what law school did for me. It put me in the same position as someone who grew up in Los Angeles with a powerful father. It got me in the door.

Once you are in the dance club you can meet ladies, and once you are in the business you can start to make things happen. I’d written a script that I knew could make waves, but I needed my foot in the door before anyone would take me seriously. I needed law school to get my foot in the door. Graduate school is not for everyone, but it can definitely give one an edge up if they need it. Some don’t. It can also be a huge waste of money if not used correctly. Your route is really up to you.

LD

Traff-Tastrophe

Hello Readers,

It’s the other Friend here with yet another Hollywoodless blog. Keep your heads up though, this Strike will end sooner or later, and when it does… I promise we will Hollywood the living shit out you. Yeah, and you didn’t even know that Hollywood could be used as a verb. It can.

Driving in LA isn’t as bad as everyone says. The people that talk about how horrible it is fall into 2 categories: 1. People that have never actually been here, and just go off what someone else says (that “someone” has probably also never been here) and 2. Asians.


If you’ve lived in LA your whole life, the traffic is no big deal. You’re used to it. It’s the people that move here from small towns that we have to worry about. They are the ones giving us the bad reputation. I moved here from a town with less than one hundred thousand people. I could get from my house to anywhere else in the city in less than 10 minutes. True Story. Once I got here, small trips took a bit longer. I adapted with no fuss because those “small trips” were to more exciting places than the ones back home. There, I could make it to the McDonalds and back home in about seven minutes. As record breaking as that may sound, I would much rather be here spending an extra twenty-five minutes driving to a place where I can eat top-notch sushi off a naked woman’s body.

I’m not going to give you any tips on driving in LA. There are none. The tips that everyone else gives out can be used when driving anywhere. Surely by now you’ve noticed that people with cars generally go to work and get off around the same times everyday. If you can’t stay off the freeways during those times, then you are a fucking idiot who deserves to sit in traffic. Feel free to curse as loud as you can while sitting there, I heard that helps speed things along.

There is a hand signal that is used when driving that I think we should all adopt. I use the hell out of it and I love when I see it being used be others. No, I didn’t invent the signal, but I did give it a name: “The Courtesy Wave” This move is done after someone in another lane allows you to merge over into his or her lane and get in front of them. When done properly, it is so beautiful. If, after signaling, you are granted the space to merge in front of the cooperating automobile, you go ahead and make your way over. Once there, raise your right hand up by the rearview mirror, and give off a little wave. A wave that says: “Thanks, because of your kindness, I will not miss my exit ramp.” ***Note: Do not use your left hand to give the Courtesy Wave, the car will not see it unless your window is down. And I doubt it is because “someone” also once said this city has a smog problem. It’s true, if you breathe it in… you will die.

AJ

Passing Time

With all the movies at the studio on hold because of the pending strike, Friend and I have had to find other ways to spend our time. We love movies and television but even your passion can start to ware you down after a while. So we’ve resorted to a game that we’ve spent much time on while planning our Hollywood empire.

This game is simple in theory, but much harder to enact. To play the game you need two mouths and bag full of marshmallows. If you must, you can only use two marshmallows, but this will greatly shorten the game in the long run due to extenuating factors. Now, just like in tennis, you need to get a few practice runs in.

You take the marshmallow and toss it into your friend’s mouth. You can start with a few direct throws, but you really need to get a few tosses off to the side and down low to get warmed up. This will prove to be beneficial down the road once the game goes into full effect. Remember, the way to catch a marshmallow is to always go backwards with the marshmallow. Don’t stab at it unless in the rare situation that you have to dive.

Now, once you’ve got a ninety percent completion rate or better you’re ready to play the game. First, Friend will toss one my way and I’ll toss one his way at the same time. This requires great eye mouth coordination. Next, you want to try behind the back and between the legs once you’ve mastered the first technique. If you trust your friend’s hygiene, try spitting from one mouth across the room into the other. Finally, you have to integrate the walls and ceilings for a more unpredictable effect.

Whether you choose to eat the marshmallows that land in your mouth is really up to you. I can’t advise you there other than to say that it will ruin smores for the rest of your life if you eat all the ones you catch. This is especially true if you catch like I can.

Since Friend and I were both in the same fraternity, we like to treat our assistants like pledges. So we made them all go get three bags of marshmallows. Then, they stand against the wall with their mouths open. We tell them that they have to catch at least five marshmallows to keep their jobs, and then we rapid fire them. If things keep going at this rate we’ll have to hire a whole new staff. Sorry for the Hollywoodless post, but with the way this strike is going, my next post will be about the time Friend taught me how to juggle.

LD