Tours Shmours

Like I said, I have never actually been on our Studio’s organized tours. I didn’t even know how much we charged for that sort of thing until last Wednesday when I decided to go on the tour myself. Thirty-five bucks. Add that to the cost of the new Ray-Bans and hat I bought to keep from being recognized and we’re looking at a cool two hundred bucks just to have fun. But, I spend close to that amount on dinner at least three nights every week, so fuck it.

I noticed a while back that the Tour’s Shuttle bus always passed by the building with our offices, and depending on the Tour guide, they would point out my assigned parking space and say something like “That’s where the CEO’s park.” So I made sure I drove my new Porsche Carrera GT to work that day. I usually drive a hybrid to help out the environment, but this city’s smog problem is already way passed the point of preventative concern, so again, fuck it. (I swear that’s the last time I’m going to end a paragraph like that)

I’m on the tour, sitting in the back of the Shuttle, and our guide starts throwing out questions left and right. What is the studio’s longest running TV show? Who directed Studio X’s first movie? What actor has appeared in the most movies produced by Studio X? It was hard to not respond. Of course I knew all the answers to questions about my own studio. Right or wrong, I was still letting the other people on the tour answer the questions as we were moving along. We’ll at least until one of the last questions. The guide asked if anyone knew what a Foley Artist was. This one guy up front who had already answered 3 questions incorrectly said “Ugh, yeah he’s the guy deals with the Lighting on a set” “WRONG! JACKASS!” I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Plus I felt sorry for the poor girl giving the tour having to put up with his ignorance. I think her name was Amanda.

I took off the hat and shades, apologized for the outburst, and introduced myself. I told Amanda to have a seat, and that I would be driving the shuttle for the rest of the tour. I got on the intercom and told the group that this was their lucky day. For the first and only time in history, they would be receiving a never before seen tour given by one of the CEO’s.

I was driving the hell out of that shuttle. Something I have never done before, so I was just thinking of all the places on the lot I could take them. I eventually asked Amanda what else she would do if she were still driving and she said, “Nothing Sir, you’ve done everything I would have done if I were giving a tour.” Well, that pissed me off. I thought I was doing something special and showing off things not normally on the tour. So I drove the tour group right up to the door of the gift shop, and told them that anything they wanted out of there was on me. I also told Amanda if she could beat that surprise ending on her Tour Guide wages I would permanently trade jobs with her. New cost of having fun: $3,649.18. Fuck it.

AJ

Visiting Hollywood

One of my friends from college came out here to stay with me for a week. I actually just dropped him off at LAX about an hour ago. We had a great time catching up, goofing off, and seeing the sights. It’s always the same with every visitor I have. I ask them what kinds of things they want to do while they’re here, then I receive different variations of the following verbal list:

1. “I’ve gotta see that Hollywood sign.”
2. “Where do the celebs hang out?”
3. “Lets walk down that street that has all the stars in the sidewalk”
4. “Do I get to see where you work?”

Ok future visiting friends. We can do whatever you want because it’s your vacation time, and I want you to have fun. But, here are a few reasons why I am tired of doing the things on that list.

1. You want to see the Hollywood sign? You can see it from all over the place. It’s huge, and sitting on the side of a mountain. I can drive you up close enough to snap some pretty good pictures of the thing, but that’s about it. No, we can’t actually walk up to the sign and touch it. They have that thing fenced off and surrounded by surveillance cameras and motion sensors. Being noticed by either one of those will earn you a couple hundred bucks in fines.

2. Celebs are everywhere, and they are just as boring as you and me. The chances you will spot one out here are pretty high, but never guaranteed. When I first moved out here, it took two months before I actually saw one. It was Fred Durst at The Grove. Yeah I know, people use the word “celebrity” very loosely, and Fred is sort of sitting on the fence for me.

3. I don’t know what it is about the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but apparently it has this special power to make homeless people feel less homeless. They’re everywhere. I don’t even like going down there to see my own star, and I paid $15,000 for that damn thing.

4. Yeah, I would love to take you on tour of our Studio. This one is actually fun for you and me both, so it can stay on the list for many years to come. Every studio in town gives really great-organized tours. That was my favorite thing to do when I first got out here, because unlike all the other things on the list, it didn’t make me feel like a touristy piece of shit.

Hmm. That last one got me thinking. I’ve never actually been on one of those organized tours of Studio X. I always just give my own little all-access “walk around with the CEO” version of what I think would be cooler than the actual tour. But, how do I know it’s more fun if I have never been on the real one? I just might have to do that… maybe tomorrow.

AJ

Movie Magic

I swear I’m like a little kid when it comes to watching movies. I still love going to the movies, watching them at home, and reading about them at work. It never gets old to me and I never want it to. I was scared that the magic of viewing movies would go away when I first moved out here and started working as a PA on sets. When most people are around all the drama, stress, and other bullshit that goes into making a film, they tend to think of only that when they are watching the movie. I worked my way up from production assistant and eventually started directing. I’ve had a few disagreeing moments with people on my sets that turned into small fights. But, because of those fights we pushed harder to get the shots, resolve our differences, and make a brilliant movie that we all believed in.

Believing in a movie is everything to me. Studio X makes anywhere from 8 to 12 movies a year, and I only direct one of them. I get first pick from the scripts as they come in and always pick the one I believe in the most. People often assume that I pick the one that’s going to bring in the most money, but that’s not the case. At this stage in the game I don’t care about that. I’m CEO and Co-Chairman of this place; I’ll see money from all the films no matter how little I’m involved.

In an effort to remain anonymous, I can’t really say which movies I have picked in the past years versus the scripts I’ve passed down to up-and-coming directors. I usually pass on comedies, unless it’s something extremely clever like Little Miss Sunshine, or Stranger Than Fiction. I also always pass on comic book movies. Those things will effortlessly make their money back from the books already existing fan base, and I don’t want to be held accountable for their virginity any more than I have to. Chick Flicks and Romantic Comedies are also a no go. I can’t involve myself with a film that will only work depending on how bad the audience actually wants to see those two actors having sex.

That leaves everything in-between for me. I like things that are different. So I will pick a script that could either suck really badly in the hands of someone who didn’t know what they were doing, or be total genius if crafted by someone who cared about it and believed it could be great. That’s how I got where I am today. I take a stack of papers with words on them, and turn it into a visual masterpiece that everyone can appreciate. That’s weird that I said that, I just received an email from Friend and the subject title was “Visual Masterpeice.” However, I’m sure it’s just another forwarded video clip from pornbloopers.com.

AJ

If You Can't Beat'em Then Settle

When I found out that Friend was telling the Segway story again I strained my abs from laughing too hard. After that happened, I thought I was going to have to get hypnotized to remove that thought from my memory because I couldn’t get through a damn meeting with my screenwriters without doubling over in laughter. Before I tell you the conclusion to the story, let me first tell you my point of view.

At the time, I was producing this comedy/action movie with one of the larger studios in town. I brought the movie in at 15 million over budget because we lost a tank in one of the Great Lakes. All of the big execs at the studio were screaming at me, and anytime I am not in control of a situation, I start to get pissed. I’ve found that the best remedy for me at least, is to do something I can control, and that is buying things.

My wife created a rule when we got married that I couldn’t get on the internet and drink at the same time. This all happened a few years ago after a late night after an award show in Beverly Hills, ten shots of patron, ten minutes on the internet and when a hummer was delivered to our house two weeks later. So after I got back from the meeting with the execs, I had my sights set on hitting the internet and bringing something home to take my pain away.

I walk into the office and see something that looks like a dolly. I didn’t know what the fuck it was, but I stood on it and thought it was going to fall over. It didn’t and instead it took off with me on it. It was the most amazing piece of machinery I had ever seen. I really didn’t know where it came from, but I just assumed that after my casting session in NYC and the bar down in Soho, I might have found internet access.

I knew that if I had this wonderful wheel barrow machine, then everyone else in the office had to have one as well. The film was already fifteen million over budget and I was pissed off at the execs. I ordered twenty-seven more of them charged to the movie and they were delivered two hours later. Some guy came by to do some training, but we all played freeze tag on them instead.

So you know the rest of the story. My assistant crashed into the ground, and I felt sorry for her but only the strong survive in this world. She left crying and I got a notice of lawsuit three days later. I’m on a slower learning curve than friend, and it took me a good two weeks to figure out that Segways weren’t worth the money. My ex-assistant was suing for one hundred thousand dollars and through my war-like negotiating tactics, I got them to settle for twenty-eight Segways instead. Friend was pissed when he found out that I lost his Segway, but everything evened out. I can’t help but to smile and think of my ex-assistant every time Friend shows up at the lot driving that big ass hummer.

LD

I Believe I can Fly...

Well, I don’t know if I actually believe that, but I do believe if there were a machine you could buy that made you fly, I would buy it. Who wouldn’t? Remember when those Segways first came out? People were more than willing to pay five grand for a machine that did what? Eliminated walking? Made you look like a Robot? I don’t know, but they were different so people bought them. I did. When I first got mine, I used it to ride around from my office to the sound stages on the studio’s lot. People normally use golf carts around here, so I pulled the whole Segway transportation display as more of a comedic stunt. No one laughed. I should have just rolled up on a Big-Wheel like a true badass. Do they even still make those? It would have saved me a shit ton of money if they did.

Have you ever experienced something so funny that it stays funny forever? No matter how long ago it happened or what you’re doing, you still laugh. The other people in the funeral home are assuming you’ve gone mad for bursting out in random laughter in such a somber setting. But its not your fault, you cant help when and where you are when that brief moment of hilarity decides to resurface. Well I have a story about one of those times.

*** Just so were clear, this is a story about something I’ve witnessed that I continue to think is funny when I re-live that experience, NOT about me thinking of that certain experience and laughing some place I shouldn’t have been laughing. (like a funeral home)

So, back to the Segway... I parked it in the hall and totally forgot about it because it’s stupid and pointless. When I went back for it a few hours later, it wasn’t there. Friend must have found it, took it for a spin, and left it someplace else. I went to his office to see if he knew where it was, but he wasn’t in there. He must have still been out riding that dumb thing around. I tried to find out if anyone had seen where he rode off to, but neither of his assistants were at their desk. In fact, no one was in the office at all. Where the hell was everyone? I looked out the window, and there they were…. all on Segways. He bought one for each person on our entire team. They were following him around on those things from building to building like a pack of water buffalo.

I had to get a closer look. I ran downstairs, jumped on the nearest golf cart, and took off after them. Once I got close enough to see what was really going on, it was just what I expected. He enjoyed the hell out of that thing so much, that he could never imagine a time he wanted to be off of it. As a result, the people he always had around him taking orders and running errands, had to be able to keep up with him to take part in their own abuse. His assistants were keeping up with their normal tasks of answering phones and taking notes, which didn’t look easy standing up at 17mph. His second assistant was writing down a phone number on her hand when she hit a speed bump at an awkward angle. She went down face first on the pavement. And being Friend’s assistant, she was up closest to him in the herd. At least four people from development ran over her before the rest of the team could figure out how to make those things stop. Listen, I know it might have sounded brutally painful to you, but I was there..... Trust me, it was hilarious.

AJ

Blog World

I'm not really into sappy dreamer stories but I really feel that I should give a preface before we dive into this. So I am going to do this extremely quickly, one of my best friends and I decided in college that we were going to take over Hollywood. We would have conversations about it until three in the morning. He was always editing something and I was always writing something. Anyway, college ended, and I decided to go to law school to open a few doors because I wanted to produce.

He graduated a year after I did, and he went ahead and moved out to LA or Los Angeles as I like to call it. We made it our mission to write at least eight marketable screenplays before I graduated law school. We never got to eight, but we did sell two before I walked the line. Fair trade I guess. In negotiating, we had a bad ass agent (me) who negotiated a sick amount of back profits and got us on as executive producers. Our little 15 million dollar movie made 175 mil in the US and 325 worldwide. The next movie was written by me about one of my life experiences and he directed it. Add 25 to those previous numbers. If you want to see something cool, write a gut wrenching story based on things that only happened to you and watch millions around the world show their support by showing up to it. The best fucking therapy on earth. Friend and I took our money and pumped it into what we called a production company, which eventually became a studio. We are co-chairman and ceo's, and split everything equally. We have 32 employees now. How sick is that mom who told me to get a job at a big firm? Sorry.

Here we are today. Not every movie we've made has made its money back, but we've gotten close. For every three movies that make 200 mil you're allowed to make one bomb. By bomb, Hollywood means it made its money back but nothing more. Things have gotten very intense lately and Yoga, running, and aikido really aren't doing the trick anymore. My therapist told me that I should blog about my life and my problems because I trap everything inside and never express...you get the picture. So I talked to Friend, and he said his therapist told him the same thing. So we decided to do it together. This is probably not going to make any cohesive sense, and we've decided to just dive right in when something is on our minds. I hope that some of you out there can relate. I know that I have what some might call a dream life, but I'm telling you, we've all got our sets of problems. Please leave comments if you've been through the same thing or just want to drop in and say hi. We're really doing this for the benefit of us but would love to hear from some people out there. My best friend and I will name names when talking about Hollywood but we won't name each other's name...not to the general public anyway. We will refer to each other as Friend and the studio a Studio X. If you really need to know who we are, shoot us an email.

ld and aj