Don’t Get Me Wrong…I Love Television

I am a television addict. I’ve produced several television shows, and when I first got my start in Hollywood I was a staff writer in a couple of shows. When, I finally decided to cast myself as a lead in a show that was created by one of my underlings or bitches as I like to call them (I’m just joking bitches), that was the only show that didn’t make it past the pilot season. Another show that I absolutely loved was killed after eight episodes to make room for some dumb reality show that involved midgets or something like that. Can I make a quick side note here? No? Okay, never mind. Well, it’s my fucking blog and I’ll do whatever in the hell I please. Sorry, honey, no…I’m just talking to my blog. No, I’m not cheating on you with a girl named blog. Her name is Sarah.

Ok, sorry, snap back to reality whoops there goes gravity. I need to make another point before my side note point. When Eminem got political on his last album, I quit listening. Now, I am not saying I’m a master voter. If anything I’m a master…, you get the point. I was inferring a seventh grade joke about masturbation in the last sentence in case you didn’t get it But when I see a guy named Slim Shady walk out of the voting booth, that's when it's time to become a dictatorship. See what happens when I get side tracked? Here’s the point. Can I please see one movie where a normal sized person beats the shit out of a midget in a fight? I saw this in a preview of a Vince Vaughn movie the other day where all of Santa’s little elves team up on him and beat him up. Vince Vaughn is like six five and he could kick midgets around like David Beckham. I mean the only thing that could stand a chance against a guy like Vince Vaughn is his career, and I think it just choke slammed him for making a movie called Fred Clause. Really, did he really say “let’s make some bad decisions” in the trailer? In the trailer? I’ve heard this in Wedding Crashers, The Breakup, and now this critical masterpiece Fred Clause?

Television. I plan on doing a long post about my love of television and what seems to work, but this is neither the time nor place. In this post, I only want to address one major problem that should be taken care of immediately. Do NOT ever interrupt my baseball game, sitcom, or my wife’s America’s Skinniest Top Model show with a weather report. I pay damn good money to see what I want when I want to see it. You may give a small option to view the weather report or you can show it over the commercials in your time but not my time. If there’s a tornado, do you really think I’m going to get in my basement? If a murderer was going to come in your room and kill you while you were having sex, would you rather him tell you about it for three hours or would you rather die having sex? I would rather die watching my baseball game.* You say, “Whoa whoa whoa, buddy. If they tell you about the weather, you can take cover to save your life.” Nice point, idiot retard stupid. If I go down to my basement, I’m supposed to be taking cover against my house collapsing. Now, I’m no physicist but I’m thinking if my house collapses gravity is probably going to pull it downward. Do you really think that after the wicked storm tears down my house, I’m going to crawl through the debris out of my basement? No, I’m not.

LD

*Footnote: One reading of the above passage would infer that I would rather die watching a baseball game as opposed to having sex. This would be the literal reading, and I need my readers to be more active with their inferences. Of course, I would rather die while having sex and watching a baseball game.

I lost my virginity when I was thirty-one years old to my second wife.

Sorry, about the title to the post. I always thought that would be a funny title although it doesn’t represent any truth about me whatsoever. It’s completely not true and you shouldn’t believe a word of it. I mean, really, I’ve never been married twice. So why would anyone believe that I lost it to my second wife. That doesn’t even make sense.

If you mention the word screenwriting, you will be bombarded with a million experts who have never sold a script. They will try to teach you the fundamentals of crafting your screenplay and how to promote it. They will teach you how to sell it. But wait, if they are spending all their time teaching you, then why aren’t they selling their own screenplay. That’s because they can’t and realized it would be much easier to teach you how and charge you money. I can tell anyone how to throw a ninety-mile an hour fastball but wouldn’t I have much more credibility if I had done it before?*

I make this point because one of the many words of wisdom out there is that you should write what you love. Well, I love to throw playing cards. Do you want to watch a movie about it? I’ve actually considered uploading my card throwing abilities on youtube. I actually hit Ben Stiller with a card in the forehead when he tried to improv a scene once. Ironically, his reaction to the card hitting him was the same reaction that his character has to everything in every one of his films. He did the freak out thing where he gets loud and he utters his words and does the little thing with his thumbs. I’m a big believer that when an actor plays the same character in every movie that the character should have the same name in every movie. Like, here’s Gaylord Focker and he’s gotten a divorce and now he’s married again in the Heartbreak kid, but wait he doesn’t like being married so he’s going to resort to being a male model again in Zoolander 2.

Here’s the point, if you are a screenwriter who wants to make it big in Hollywood, first of all get used to telling customer that your special for the day is slow roasted lamb with fresh cheese sauce. Next, never write what you love unless it’s also what Hollywood loves. Hollywood uses the reasonable person standard (that’s right I went to law school bitches) to determine what the country would love. A reasonable person is defined in the dictionary as, “one who has a redneck.” That’s right, rednecks make up about 75 percent of the population of this country. They are the only breed of stereotype who have successfully found their way into every corner of this country. If you really want to write a script that gets made and makes money, imagine you can’t wait for the next Nascar race, love moonpies, and think the Blue Collar guys are fucking geniuses.

*Footnote: I once threw a ninety-mile per hour fastball but it was out the window of a Porsche going approximately ninety miles per hour.

Oh, I almost forgot. If you would like for us to consider your unsolicited, error-ridden screenplay for a possible film to put on our pre-production slate, please send it to:
Who gives a shit about your terrible screenplay when we can make Deuce Bigalow Part 3 Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90064

PS: We don't care how many holes are punched in it as long as it really gets its message across. Please put a large graphic on the title page so we can get a feel for your movie. Also, it would really help us out if you could go ahead and cast the movie with potential A-list actors that you could see playing our parts. Go ahead and choose the director as well. Please remember that we don't like to make small budget movies so go crazy with the car chase and bomb scenes! Don’t forget to write about what you love.

LD

Something for Everyone

While Friend and his brother were at the baseball game, I decided
that I also needed to get on a plane and fly off to do something
entertaining. Get away for a day, and do something that I actually
found interesting. It’s not that I think baseball is the most boring
sport in the world, golf is. Baseball is number two, and it even
duked it out with NASCAR there for a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I would never watch any of them, but if I had to…I think I will side with this redneck I was forced to sit next to at a bar one time back in
college. He said he could sit and bare the sight of a bunch of cars
driving really fast around the exact same fucking circle for five
hours just for the small chance that one of them might crash into
another car causing a massive pile up of destruction and death.

Personally, I will take my money to Vegas. And I did. I had my driver
pick up Jeff, my set designer, and we headed out within the hour.
That’s the great thing about LA, Vegas is just a three and half hour
drive away. However, that drive sucks on the way home if you didn’t
win any money. Since I’m not the greatest gambler in the world, I
just started flying.

Jeff was killing it at the roulette table, and I was almost to the
point to where if I kept going, I was going to have to sign over my
house to the Bellagio. Since I love my new house, I left Jeff in the
casino and went walking around the shops. I was enjoying a Wetzel’s
Pretzel Dog while sitting on a bench located right in front of Prada
and Gucci. I thought back to college when I was young and broke, and
used to see stores like that and say to myself “If I were rich, I
would buy all my girlfriends a Prada Bag and give it to them looking
like a total badass in some Gucci Sunglasses.” Now, that I am rich I
don’t buy any of that shit. I spend all my money on art, and
investments, and tons of other things that would seem totally boring
to the non-rich.

When you’re a filmmaker, the word “boring” cannot be associated with you in any way possible or people will refuse to pay 14 dollars to watch your work. So my pretzel dog and I went into both Prada and
Gucci and made some rather large purchases. I stocked up on them
equally. I figured with Halloween right around the corner, I could
give each kid that came trick-or-treating at my house a Prada Bag
with a pair of Gucci sunglasses inside. This way, when Tobey Maguire
thinks he’s the cool guy on the block cause he’s giving out regular
Butterfinger bars instead of the fun sized ones, the kids will just
tell Spiderman that his candy is almost as boring as his love scenes
with Mary Jane.

AJ

October Baseball

I never thought I’d see the day when it would be ten degrees hotter in NYC than LA in the middle of October. Well it is my friends, and we’re living it. I’m in NYC scouting locations aka going to the Yankees game. I’ve been a Red Sox fan all my life and after catching the sweep in Anaheim yesterday I decided to take the red eye to NYC to watch Joe Torre lose his job. Steinbrenner claims that Torre is gone if he loses the series. He said that to the media before the Yankees are even finished with the series.

Do you have any idea how wonderfully great that is? What if I told the LA Times that if my movie doesn’t make it’s money back the director will never work in this town again before the production started. I’ve always wanted to buy a baseball team. Don’t get me wrong I’m doing pretty well in the money department, but I would have to put up the studio as collateral and Friend wouldn’t be to keen on that idea because he doesn’t really care for the sport.

I’ve got a lot of great ideas to bring fan interest back to baseball. Okay, number one: one game a year I have a midget play shortstop. Even if you hate baseball you would have to come to the game to watch a midget play shortstop. Number two: for one at bat a year the baseball will be switched for a grenade. Spice things up a bit. Number three: first five thousand attendees get a free steroid syringe. Number four: each inning the drunkest member in each section gets the microphone to heckle players in the stadium. Number five: every game we give away something that we know will be thrown on the field at the opposing players, but we still make an announcement not to throw things on the field. We'll have battery give away, and free baseball sunday and free Ninja throwing star tuesday. Okay, I’ve really got to get this production schedule in order. Investors are getting pissed because we haven’t casted it, and we’re really falling behind schedule because the prostitute role is still up in the air.

LD